It wasn't me
by Esthernight
Summary: Shawn writes a play about his life in New York and his family back at the trailer park come to see it. Shawn and Cory slash. The frist chapter and a couple of the last chapters is form the POV of the Hunter family, but a lot the story is the "play", which is Shawn's life form his POV. Please tell me if thats a confusing bad idea, any freeback would great, thank you!
1. Chapter 1- The flyer

The flyer flew over The Pink Flamingo Tailor Park. An old man sat in his lawn yelling at his neighbors "get your house off my lawn." He sat there in his ripped jeans, plaid shirt, bits of food stuck in his gray facial hair. The flyer landed in the dirt next to him. The wind blew and pushed his head to slightly right. He took notice of the paper below crumbed up, half of it covered in dirt, but it caught his eye with the words "Shawn Hunter" in black print. "Hey Mary, come out here" he called out as he picked the flyer and cleaned it off.

Mary came out of the trailer in a stained apron, gray hair tangled, holding a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. "What do want Mike?" Mary yelled. Mike got up from his chair and called out. "Hunters"

"We didn't do it" voices cried out around him.

"Get out here, you wouldn't believe this." A group of people rushed out of the surroundings trailers all with messy hair and tore up clothes. They all stood around looking at Mike.

"Okay Uncle Mike you got us out here. What do you what?" said a younger dirtier man.

Mike handed the flyer. "Look at this Eddie"

"Okay well there's a picture of a boy front of a trailer" Eddie started, "It says the downtown New York theater is proud to present "It wasn't me" written and directed by…..Shawn Hunter"

Everybody's face showed a mixture shock and confusion.

Eddie looked at over the picture next to the name.

"Wow my little half brother sure thinks he's something now. Hear this 'real life story of rising from the secrets, lies, and crimes of a trailer park boy.' what a snob."

Mike took the flyer, "Maybe we should go. You know yall; New York isn't too far from here."

Everybody frowned at him. "Why should we?" Eddie yelled out. "He's a city folk now" a cousin yelled. "Yea he thinks he's better than us" said someone else.

Mary threw her hands up, "Hey, hey yall maybe we should see it. Shawn is family, after all and we support family."

"Opening night is tomorrow, that plenty of time to get cleaned up and drive my trailer into the city." Mike said.

The rest of them looked at Eddie as they were waiting for his command. Eddie signed and pushed his brown hair back. "Yall are right, Shawn is family, and we haven't seen him in years. Plus I'm mighty curious about this play."

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The theater wasn't small but wasn't that big.

Mike parked his trailer across five parking spots in the back. The family walked out, showered wearing their best clothes.

Eddie stopped and raised his hands motioning them to stop "Okay everybody remember our plan? The back door is right there, sneak in quietly and quickly. And if anybody asks we already paid."

They all nodded.

"Now do have what we everything? Jake?"

Jake nodded opening his jacket revealing several bags of microwave popcorn.

"Lisa?"

Lisa shakes her coat and pulls out a few candy bars.

"Clay?"

Clay shows him one of the six packs of beer in his shirt.

"Okay let's get sneaking" Mike said opening the door.

The family made their way into theater and quickly got seats in a dark row in the back. Mike and Mary heard laughter in the lobby.

"We will be right back" Mike said to them taking Mary's arm. Eddie and Stacy gave them a couple of dirty looks and then chased after them.

The lobby floor was cover with white tile, the walls were red with posters of plays scattered around. People were scattered around wearing collar shirts, fedoras, and suits talking to each other and drinking colorful cocktails. They hear a voice coming from the center for the room

"Oh my god! Look!" Mary said.

There were four men stood in the middle of the room, two were tall, greasy black hair wearing white suits.

Eddie's eyes went to the other two men "There's Shawn and that suburbs living dorky friend of his…Cory right?"

"Yea" Stacy said "That half brother of ours sure dose clean up nicely"

Shawn's brown hair was short and spiked, he growing a goatee. His blue eyes were brighter than ever. He was wearing a nice red collar shirt unbutton at the top.

Next to him was Cory. He had grown his black curly out, his face was clean and shaved and he was wearing a pair of small rectangle glasses. He was wearing a black suit, with a blue unbutton collar shirt.

"Why won't you just look at that" Mike said, "Those two are still buddies."

"So what is it going take to get your amazing play in our theater?" One of the white suit men asked Shawn.

Shawn smiled "I would love to work with you guys"

Eddie watched at Cory placed his hand on Shawn hip and pulled Shawn closer to him.

"I'm so proud of Shawn, and I just know his play is going to be a hit." Cory said moving his hand up and down Shawn's stomach.

Cory and Shawn smiled at each other.

"House is open" a voice called out. Everybody started moving into the theater.

Eddie, Stacy, Mike, and Mary raced back in the theater and join the rest of the family.

As people were sitting, Eddie couldn't help to whisper to Mike "Did see the way that Cory guy was touching Shawn."

Mike gave him a confused look, "What? What do you mean?" He said.

Eddie was thinking of how to response, when the lights went down.


	2. Chapter 2- The stage lights come on

The stage lights came on.

(This is the "play"; this is in first person, in Shawn's POV over his life)

I lived in a lonely, dark, and dirty world. Nobody wants to be friends with the kid who lives in dirty trailer park and has a crazy drunken dad always making things up and a mother who sleeps around and cries in her own beer. My earliest memories were sitting on my busted up bed hearing my parents yelling, hearing the breaking of beer bottles.

"Come on Virna" my dad would scream.

"Chet, I love you too much to see you like this." My mom would scream back.

"If you really love me, you would do what say" he would storm.

I would sit there crying. I would try to cry quietly, but my wine always seemed to echo though the small trailer.

"What's wrong with you boy? Why you crying?"

His voice would bomb as he came into my room his drunken eyes, blue like mine but filled of unknown range.

"Sorry, I'm sorry Daddy." I would cry.

Then he would beat the sorry out of me.

This is my life.

This was the cycle of a trailer park kid, to end up like their alcoholic fathers and abuse their own kids. It couldn't be broken.

I might have been right, if it hadn't been for a school trip to the zoo. The happiest of my earlier memories.

I was eating my half made lurch when I heard a girlish scream coming from the lama cage.

"Cory, Cory" this fuzzy haired girl called out.

I didn't know what got into me. I didn't know why I did it. I didn't know how much my life would change. But I dropped my sandwich and ran. I grabbed this pale white arm I saw. As my feet hit the ground, I looked at a pair of brown eyes, black curly hair, and a dorky, but cute face.

"You saved my life! I'm Cory, Cory Matthews."

I didn't know what to feel, I just felt this warmth come over me.

"I'm Shawn, Shawn Hunter."

Then I noticed the fuzzy haired girl beside him.

Cory smiled at her "This Topanga, my wife" he giggled.

I looked at the both of them, a couple of kids playing house. It was cute.

"Hey…can…" I started to say and took a breath "Can you eat lunch with me?" I said. I was scared the moment I said it, waiting for rejection.

"Sure, want some of my apple?" Cory smiled pulling a bag of apple slices form a brown paper bag.

Then Topanga (I know strange name, she was named after some canyon I think) gave me an extra juice box that she had. So I couldn't help to like her too.

That is a day will never forget, that is the day I met my best friend.


	3. Chapter 3- To cover up babe

My mother taught me about make up.

"This is your skin tone, olive fair, you blend it with you fingers like this." She said covering up my latest bruise.

Then she took a crème color jar and used it to cover up her own purple eye.

It was funny to think how we looked nothing alike, our skin tones, our eyes, and our cheekbones. Not alike.

"Eddie said boys don't wear this girly stuff." I said looking though the box.

"Well it's not lipstick, though Veronica red would look amazing on you." She laughed. "But honey, this is a different type of makeup; it's for a good reason." She went on. "You can't walk out looking beat up, people will talk or worst take you away." She put down the jar and picked a shiny eye shadow color panel. "And your father would break without you."

"Really?" I smirked.

"Yes honey, I know it's strange, but your father loves you more than anything." She cracked a little smile, "that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him…" She stopped herself when she looked up at me.

"Your father is a good guy he just….he is just..." She paused for a minute. I picked up a small bottle of lipstick that I couldn't stop looking at.

"He just has problems." She finished as she saw me holding the bottle. It was bright red with sparkles. It was just so dazzling, it just had something about it that drew me in.

"You like that one Shawn? That's called Veronica red."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do they named it Veronica?"

She smiled at me, a smile I didn't see often.

"Because the name Veronica." She said shaking her shoulders and rolling the r. "Sounds like a woman that's sexy, bold, and fearless. She is the kind of woman that's in control of her life. I love that name!"

It was nice seeing her being excited like this.

"So why do we put on makeup?" I asked her.

Her eyes darken "To cover up, to cover up babe."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

I wasn't home a lot, either was dad, either was mom. I spent most of my time with Cory.

We had every class together, Mr. Fenny's class…ever year. We read comic books and traded baseball cards together. Topanga became just strange as her name, wearing sheets and talking to ghost. We didn't hang out her much for a few years, but she was still there. Cory's house was well… really a house, and a home. He had a loving family, corky but loving. They were everything that mine wasn't. Mr. and Mrs. Matthews were caring, nurturing, and…sober. His older brother Eric was an interesting character, but you couldn't help to like him. His little sister Morgan was so annoying but I couldn't help to laugh at her trying to boss around her older brothers. I would make every excuse I could think of to stay there, any excuse to not go home. The home where the drinking, fighting, and…hitting never seemed to stop. Mr. Matthews would always offer me a ride home, but I would tell him that I could walk. The Matthews knew where I lived, I had told Cory that much. Plus Mr. Matthews worked at the supermarket where some Chet Hunter's famous drunken scenes took place. Mr. Matthews seemed to have always watched me carefully. As a kid I used to think he had laser eye vision, because I could felt his eyes burning into my skin. I just couldn't help to feel he didn't like me. Not that I could blame him, I ate his food, watched his TV, hell I was at his house more than he was. Not to mention every curse word and bad habit his son knew was because of me. He seemed to be friendly with me around his wife and kids, but I feared what he would do if we were ever alone together. So I refused a ride, it was always for the better. They were good people and the tailor park was a bad place, especially at night.

I walked though the white trash color scheme: the black color of the sky, the reddish brownish color of rusted objects, and the off white color of the trailers.

Drunken yells ringed thought out the park, but after all these years their screams didn't really affect me anymore. I just walked to my trailer, looking at the stars, that were faded by the pollution form the factory next door. I opened my door to find my dad sitting on the couch watching TV. His face blankly stared at the old set.

"Hi dad" I nicely greeted him. He didn't move or talk or anything to show that I was in even in the room. I walked over and sat next to him waiting. Waiting for him to talk to me, look at me, and even address me in some way. I waited and waited. His only movement was blinking once in a while. Eventually I quietly got up to go bed.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"Who cares about history? I'm focusing on my future" Cory called out. Fenny was trying to teach us American history, it was boring as hell. But leave it to Cory to speak up, I guess having Fenny as his next door neighbor gave him a lot of confidence. Fenny stared at us for a second then signed.

"Okay, Mr. Mathews you bring up an interesting point."

We were shocked to hear him say that. Even Cory stood here with his mouth opened wide.

"How about for an assignment…."

Here he was, the Fenny we all knew. Fenny always had the ability to turn anything into homework.

He told us that we were going to have a pre-reunion, where we were to dress up as if we going to our 20th year reunion. I hated it. I never spend a lot thinking about my future, I didn't want to. Every time I did, I thought about the trailer park life cycle. I remembered how my half-sister, on my dad side, Stacy. Stacy was only a few of years older than me, and once had a dream. She wanted to design and sell clothes. But then she got pregnant in high school. Just like her mother, like all the girls in the trailer park. That's how things worked for people like us. I was going to end being a fat drunken tire salesman, just like my dad.

"I know what I'm doing" Cory said dreamily "pitcher for pillies!"

I laughed a little. Cory wasn't that great of a thrower, he was okay at baseball but not major good.

Topanga popped up n front of us, "Cory, Chloe and Amy have said that you and I will grow up and get married so I guess we need to discuss our futures, I'm going to be president, you?"

Another thing about planning the future, marriage.

"I want to be baseball player…is that okay "Honey"?" Cory smirked.

Topanga stood in thought for a moment "Well baseball isn't part of war and bloodshed. So I guess I'll allow it."

She nodded and turned to her desk.

I saw Cory frown.

"So you and Topanga are going to get married?"

"I guess so, everyone says were supposed to. Mom always said we were always a cute pair." Cory put his head down, "But Topanga is…well crazy now, but…maybe in few years it will be different. It's one of those things that…"

"That's just is the way its suppose to be."

Cory looked up and deep in my doomed eyes. He nodded sadly in agreement.


	4. Chapter 4 - My frist real crime

_Is it possible to have you'll heart beaten out of you? _

_Is it possible to wish to be your own yet wish to blend in with wall?_

_It's impossible to ignore a fate._

_But maybe it's possible to run and hide from it. _

I started writing little poems in this black spiral notebook. It was stupid. They don't even rhyme. I just had all these words racing though my head. I don't even know where I got this stuff from, but I just felt that I had to write them down.

I wrote feeling a cherry bomb in my pocket.

"Virna!" dad's drunken voice echoed though out the trailer.

"I can't go through this again now." I said to myself. I crept out though the back. I hoped on my bike and just pedaled away. It was dark and storm clouds were coming, but I didn't care. I just pedaled, thinking about what would happen if I stayed home.

I knew would have been happening. I couldn't have imaged it going any differently. I just felt this nagging, like I wanted to hit something.

The cherry bomb was calling me "Light me. Light me. Light me Shawn." I never knew how a cherry bomb exactly worked. But I did know that if you light the tip, things go bang. As I rode the cherry bomb ticked in my pocket. I stopped at The Market Giant to catch my breath when looked on the ground in front of me. It was the matchbox.

"Screw it" I said to myself.

I threw the bike down, took the cherry bomb out of my pocket, and grabbed the matchbox.

I lit that sucker and watched it spark. But as the tip started to disappear the thought occurred to me it was going to blow up.

"I'm so screwed."

I just flung into the next the thing I saw…a mailbox.

I watched the smoke puff out form the sides. I watched the metal bend. I watched pieces of paper splatter around.

People around were staring with their mouths open. I just stood there, I think even stopped breathing.

People were starting to look at me. I just needed to get out of there, so I hopped on my bike again.

At first I was just pedaling not caring about what direction I was going in. I felt rain pouring. I heard thunder roaring. I saw lightening flashing. Then I thought "I need Cory."

I shifted the bike and rode to the Matthews yard. I slammed my bike against the grass and climbed up the tree. It wasn't strange that all. I've sneaked into Cory's bed room window for years. Every time I could get away from the Hunter song and dance I would sneak into Cory's at night. Cory never seemed to mind, Cory enjoyed it actually, I think it made him feel "badass". It bothered Eric but he was heavy sleeper most of the time. The room was dark, nobody was in there so I waited by the door. I waited on Eric's bed, trying to catch my breath while I listened to the storm. The door opened and I saw a patch of curly hair. As lighting stuck I grabbed Cory.

"Don't turn the light."

"Shawn?"

"The cops are after me, maybe even the FBI, you are not involved. Unless you want to be? " I told him, maybe a little too dramatic.

"I'm in." Cory laughed as turned on the light and stared at me, noticing my wet clothes.

"Please don't tell anybody I'm here."

"Shawn what happened? Let me get you some dry clothes." He asked getting some clothes from his dresser.

"Cory, I'm a fugitive."

"A fugitive? Cool."

I told him everything.

"You blew up a United States mailbox." Cory screamed a little.

"Well it's still standing, but you should have seen the flames and the freaked out look on people's faces." I laughed.

"Wow why does everything cool happen when I'm not around?" he joked. He sat to me on the bed next to me and handed me the clothes.

"I can't go home."

"Why? You didn't mean do it?"

"But I did it! That's what my old man is going to hear…I'm going to get killed for this."

"What are you going to do?"

"Can I stay here for a couple of days?"

"Fine with me! I'll ask my mom" He nodded walking to the door. I stopped him.

"Wait, wait you're new to this…see no one can know I'm here especially not your parents."

"Alright" He smiled at me. His cute, dorky, conforming smile. There was always just something about that smile that made my heart feel lighter. When I saw that smile I just couldn't help to smile too.

"Cory, dinner" Mrs. Matthews yelled.

"Shawn wait here, I'll be back as soon as I can with some food. You put my clothes" Cory said before leaving.

I smiled as I watched him leave.

"Leave it to Cory to make everything better" I cheered as I put on…well tried to put on the dry clothes. I think he forgot will I was a bit taller and bigger he was. I managed to squeeze on them, when Cory reappeared with a plate of food.

He looked at me in his clothes.

"So my pants are a bit small on you?"

"No they fit just great" I joked.

"Cory" Eric called as he opened the door. I quickly slid behind it.

"I know what's going on" Eric spoke.

"You do?" Cory grasped.

"Sneaking food, strange noises, and the smell in there…you're hiding a puppy."

I took a breath.

When he wasn't looking I jumped into the bathroom.

"Oh its big puppy" I heard Eric say.

"You're right I'm hiding a puppy, but let it go." Cory said. I laughed a little.

"When?"

"A minute ago"

"You let it go"

Then I heard Mrs. Matthews walk in.

"You're going into the bathroom to give Morgan a bath." Cory screamed to give me a hint.

I crawled out the bathroom window and back into the bedroom window. Eric was staring at me.

"Hey Cor, Lassie came home"

Cory turned to him "I can explain"

"No, I really don't want to know. Let's just cut to my bide."

Cory agreed to do his chores. Man, what a good friend.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

This sleepover at Cory's was different.

I laid next to Cory in his twin bed. That wasn't new, but this feeling was. Cory and Eric were both sound asleep, but I couldn't even shut my eyes. I had just committed my first real crime. Sure as I kid I always had sticky fingers, I stole stuff the Market Giant all the time, my whole family did, it was free food. I had shop lifted stuff, spray painted a few buildings, picked locks but it was nothing like this. My dad hit me when I did nothing. He hit me harder when I did something. "You're supposed to be better than that" he would say in that deep drunken voice. I knew I couldn't hide forever. What are the cops going to do with me? What is dad going to do with me? Jail? Beaten? Both? I started shaking thinking about it. I turned to face Cory. He quietly snored with a smile on his face. That smile, the smile that made me once again have to smile. As I watched him I got a strange little feeling. My eyes noticed his lips the most. I felt this nagging again but it was a different kind of nagging. I felt myself wanting to…I didn't know exactly what, but I knew it wasn't good. I turned around and tried to shut my eyes. Cory sleepily put arm around me, just like he had million times. He had no idea, he always rolled in his sleep. I never really gave it much thought before, however this time it felt different. At first it was weird and I was thinking about pushing him away, but his grip kind of made me feel…safe?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

I waited in Cory's room the whole day. I was so bore I even cleaned his closet. I wrote a few things down, on some loose paper I found in one the drawers.

_I want to do things, bad things_

_But don't know why I want to do them_

_Wait that's wrong I do know why_

_It's what I see, I guess. It's what I do. _

_Right? _

Then Cory came home and told me that my folks came by the school.

"Did you say anything?" I asked him.

"No, no" He tried to reassured me.

"Cory" Mr. Matthews's voice boomed. I quickly slid myself under Cory's bed.

"How was your day son?"

"I know nothing...I mean nothing new happened." He smiled "How was yours?"

"Well I heard today that Shawn maybe involved in blowing the mailbox at the store. That he well you know did it."

"Oh well, that I didn't hear." Cory squeaked.

"You know there was a kid in my neighborhood just like Shawn. Always getting into troubles small things at first like shoplifting…"

Oh crap! He knew! I thought to myself.

He went on "but then he got bored and move to things more serious, more dangerous."

That was exactly what I feared.

"Shawn is not like that." Cory commanded.

"Oh I think he is, and if he were now. I would come down on him hard"

I felt his weight on the bed smash my body. I knew it! I knew he always hated me.

"What Shawn did was irresponsible and dumb."

"Why are you telling me?"

"Because you need to know if you do anything wrong that you can always come home. I don't care what it is! "

He jumped on the bed.

I gasped in pain.

"We are here for you."

He got off the bed and left the room.

"Man, your dad really hurt me." I sapped crawling out.

"Did you hear what he said?"

"He sat on my head." I said ignoring him, my headache trying to adjust to the light.

"Shawn I think if we explained this to my dad he could explain it to yours."

"No, I can never go home."

"Shawn you're overreacting."

I looked over at my best friend. He wouldn't be able to understand all the whats and whys.

"Cor all of our lives I've done these little things, but this crosses the line."

"Dad" Cory called out leaving the room.

"No" I said running out window.

I had to leave Cory's. But if I didn't have Cory's than what did I have? I had to think of some other place.

"where is the place I go the most, besides Cory's?" I thought "School?"

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I went to Fenny's classroom; he wasn't there, so I took a nap by his desk.

Then a deep voice spoke, "Well the room is empty, perfect time to set fire to my desk."

That woke me up.

"Cory told you I was here?"

"Mr. Matthews has been a true and loyal friend. If anybody has betrayed this friendship it was you when you asked him to lie." Fenny smirked.

"I would have done the same for him. Mr. Fenny I'm not worried about me and Cory."

"Cory and I, Mr. Hunter" He corrected searching his drawers then picked up a roll of paper.

"What is that for?"

"I use it to paint on the weekends. It's a really strong material, hard to rip."

He then got out a pair of scissors a cut it a little bit.

"But even a small sip and…"

He tore it apart.

He had made his point. I never thought Cory and I could ever be tore apart. Fenny smiled and started walking to the door.

"Are you going to turn me in?" I quietly questioned.

"I don't have to" He said leaving as Cory open the opened the door.

"Oh" He said when he saw Fenny. "It's not Monday?" He joked.

"So can borrow some money?" I asked him thinking he would just along with it.

Cory sat on his desk and just stared at me silent.

"Can I at least borrow your bike?"

"Actually, I got a ride here?"

"Who from?"

"Your Mom and Dad"

I shallowed hard.

"They're here?"

Cory nodded.

"I'm not going home." I yelled. "If you don't want to help me, fine I'll sneak out the back."

He stopped me.

"Cory move or I'll…"

"You'll do what? Hit me?" He smirked.

"Cory get out of my way"

"You have to go home Shawn. You can't runway"

"Yes I can!"

I needed to runaway.

"Shawn" he yelled putting his hands on my chest. I got that strange feeling again. "I'm not moving. Shawnie I want you to come back to my side of the line." He went on.

"How I do that?" I groaned.

"Go Home" He signed.

We walked out to the rusted red truck. My folks were quiet, too quiet. As we drove Cory home they stared to the road with blank faces. I looked over at Cory, he was giving me a little smile and holding my hand. He thought my dad would just yell at me. He never saw the scars on my body. He couldn't have ever imaged the beating I was going to get.

We dropped Cory off. When the truck pulled out of the drive way I heard my dad mummer "Why did to on go and do it?"

"I don't know." I whined.

"Why you do mean "I don't know"?" He started to yelled.

"I just had this feeling…and I just did it."

We pulled up to our trailer. Before I could take a breath my body was being dragged out of the truck. He threw me up against the wall.

"You have feelings huh?" He screamed as he punched me in the stomach.

My mom just sat on the couch with her head in her hands.

"Well we're going to have stop that huh" He roared throwing me again .

"I'm sorry daddy" I cried.

"You better be sorry! I had talk to the cops. Your lucky we got dirt on them. They don't ever dare to take a Hunter in." He yelled punching me in the face.

"Maybe that's enough Chet." I heard my mom whimper.

He threw me down and screamed at her "What?"

"Chet he knows what he did, he knows it was wrong, Just maybe that's enough." I could tell by her voice that she was scared, knowing what he would do.

He looked back to me and hit me a few more times then ordered me to go to my room. I sat in my bed hearing my mother cry as he finished my beating on her.

I woke up the next morning feeling the pain.

"Hey there little bro."

I opened my eyes to see Eddie smiling at me.

"The old man really got you huh?" he smirked putting is a finger on my black eye.

"You are really are his favorite son." Eddie laughed.

"What?" I almost yelled.

"Oh well, so you commit your first crime, congrats." He laughed again. "You're tougher than I thought. So me and the guys are going to steal us up some cars. You in?"

I picked my head off the pillow and looked right into his cold eyes. "No, just because I blew up one mailbox doesn't mean I'm joining your gang."

Eddie smirked "Shawn, we are who we are. Don't act like you're better than us."

We heard footsteps entering the room. Eddie turned his head and smiled.

"Hi Virna"

I turned my head to see my mother holding the make up kit.


	5. Chapter 5- nice feelings?

The next mouth I got my first stand of facial hair, my dad was so proud.

"You're starting to become a man." He smiled. The two us were standing at the bathroom minor gazing the small brown hair above my lips.

"Next your picking up girls left and right." He chuckled "just like your old man."

"Picking up girls?" I asked. I always knew dad that a way with women mean I had probably hundred half siblings running around. I knew of the two that were living in the trailer park Stacy, the smoker teen mom and Eddie drunken criminal. I also heard I had a brother named Jack, but his lived with his mom and his rich stepdad in some mansion. Anyway I knew what picking up girls meant to him, but wasn't sure what that meant me.

"yea, you'll defiantly be a ladies' man, got the Hunter looks." He said putting his hand lightly on my shoulder and smiled at himself in the minor. Despite the going gray hair and beer gut, he didn't look half bad sober.

"Yea, you're about to enter a new world. Growing into a new body. And you gotta get a lot…"nice" feelings" he laughed.

"What you mean "nice" feelings?" I asked with a little laugh.

"Like when you kiss a girl your wiener is going to exploded."

I grabbed my crotch tightly and stared at him "What?"

Dad laughed "No, no boy your wiener won't really explode, it will just…well feel like it."

"What?' I asked even more confused.

He paused as if he thinking about what to say "Son… when you and girls start kissing, touching, or whatever else." He tried to explain. "You're going to feel like you in a dry desert and like you weak enough to faint."

He smiled like it was some great thing.

"Dessert? Faint? How is that good?" I debated.

He dropped his head. "It's hard to really explain son…just kiss enough girls to one day you'll get it." He started to walk away.

"So I'm supposed to like, really like girls?" I whispered. Dad stared at me confused.

"Well yea…" he answered. "What else is there?"


	6. Chapter 6- That's a kiss?

_Hi Jack, it's your brother Shawn,_

_How are you? I'm good…well kind of…I guess. I'm starting to grow body hair? ...so that's cool? Do you have body hair? No, no that's a creepy question! I just…I'm curious about how you are. There so many things I want to know about you, so many questions I want to ask you. I would like to hear from you?_

I slammed down the pen.

"Why am I doing this to myself?"

Eddie was in jail…again and Stacy was too busy with her kids. These were the times that even though I had all this "extended" family, I was still an only child. They were my siblings yet, they weren't. We grew up in three different trailers, we lived three separate lives. The truth is that Jack was always my favorite, because I didn't know him. I knew what Eddie was, a trash talking thief that only came to me when he needed something. I knew what Stacy was, a bitter slut that didn't talk to me at all. Jack was the brother I got to dream about. Not in a creepy sexual way, I just wanted to imagine him as the big brother I've always wanted…needed. Jack was the big brother that had no criminal record, no unplanned child, and no alcohol addiction. At least that was the dream Jack, but I had no way of knowing different. He never wrote back, never came to visit, and never called.

The next day in class we watched this cheesy video about the "changes in our bodies" and getting our hormone telegrams. I sat behind Cory while he cracked a bunch jokes. I had to laugh it was oldest, cheapest, most poorly made thing I had ever seen. But as bad as the video was it sort of explained some things, I mean noticed changes (down there), I was growing hair everywhere, and I felt my voice getting deeper.

Cory didn't seem to care about anything of it. "I'm going to stay 12 forever!" He kept demanding as we ate lunch. I couldn't really focus on what he was saying. My brain was too busy thinking "He's so cute"

I pulled a stand of hair out my face.

"Hi Shawn." A blonde girl named Jenna appeared in front of me giggling.

"Hi Jenna" I said causally pushing another hair out of face. She giggled again.

"I was thinking that maybe we could go to the movies Friday?" She asked with big smile.

"Okay Sure" I responded.

"Great it's a date, here my number." she handed me a piece of paper and walked away.

"What was that?" I turned to Cory waiting for him to make some silly joke, but he looked more confused than I was.

"I think you just got a date." He whispered.

"Yea, wow" I laughed hopping to get to him to laugh too, but he didn't. "You okay Cor?"

"Yea, I just can't believe you got a date."

He looked hurt or angry or maybe both.

"Cor, what's the matter?" I asked putting a hand on his shoulder. He stared at me, almost shaking.

"Shawn…so you're starting to like girls? Like…interacting with them?" he whispered.

This is where it began. This is where I started lying to my best friend.

"Yea, what else is there?" I laughed with the fakest laugh.

We sneaked into the movie theater. It was some movie with vampires and Brad Pitt. Jenna and I hardy paid attention to the film, instead we spend the night throwing popcorn at peoples head and laughing. It was fun, but it didn't feel like this "thing" everybody kept saying. We ran out as soon as the lights went on. I walked her home as we talked about little things like how boring Fenny was and how he gave us too much homework. As we stepped on her welcome mat she turned to me with a weird smile.

"I had a really nice time with you Shawn."

"Um… yea I did to…"

"So?"

"So what?"

"So are you going to kiss me?"

I was caught off guard. I didn't think about kissing her. But this was a date so it had to end with a kiss, right? I didn't let her see me sweat and put on a fake smile.

"Well yea…babe"

I always thought using the word "babe" would make me sound cooler, and I guess it did.

I closed my eyes as we move on heads closer. The first I noticed was how cold and small her lips were. Then the taste of artificial strawberry lip gloss. Maybe it was that bad taste made I stomach turn. I didn't what to do so I just repeated what she was doing. She started moving her lips up and down, so I just followed along. She put her hand on my neck, so put my hands on her waist. After a few seconds my eyes opened when I felt her pull away.

"Wow, you're a good kisser" she said taking a breath.

"I am? ...I mean yea…you too…babe"

As I walked home I thought about that kiss.

"That's a kiss?" I said to myself. "I mean I felt _something_, but I wasn't like was in a dessert about to faint. I still don't what dad is talking about."

When I got home my parents' were fighting.

Dad swung around the beer in his hand "I'm telling its a million dollar idea."

"Chet…"

"Can't you listen? See I got this idea to invent something gives people a way to turn their lights on and off without getting up." He yelled slurring every other word. "…with clapping."

"Chet…"

"I even got a jingle. Clap on" He sang clapping his hands right in her face. "Clap off."

I started picking things that he had knocked over, including the glass pieces form the last beer.

"Chet it's called the Clapper"

"Hey that's a good idea for a name, the clapper."

"No Chet"

He turned to notice me "You support me son, right?"

I hated when one of them brought me into their fights. It was always a lose, lose situation.

"Well dad…maybe you shouldn't…I mean, it would take too much of your time any you job at car dealership."

My mom looked at me as if I was holding a bomb. "Shawn you shouldn't have mentioned that" she whispered.

"My job! To hell with my job."

"Another one? Dad you lose another job?"

"A man can't grow at some 9 to 5 job." His voice grew louder as another empty beer shattered all over the cheap carpet. "And a man mostly certainly needs his so called family to support him." I tried to run for safely in my bedroom, but caught me.

"You trying to run boy" He yelled grabbing me by the arm. He threw me down on the floor. He kicked me in the stomach over and over again. He picked me up only to throw me against a wall and slammed his fist into my eye.

He stepped back, out of breath. "Son" he slurred a second before dropping to the ground and passing out.

I stared at him sleeping for a second. Leave it to my dad to disappoint me even more.

I turned away to go my bed. I laid in my covers re-thinking the night. I wish I could have gone to Cory's, but I was too tried. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep into the dream world.

I found myself sitting in my seat in Fenny's classroom alone. I looked up at the chalkboard "Girls, Girls! Girls?" I read to myself. "What the hell does that mean?"

"Shawn"

I looked down to see Cory sitting front of me "How was your date?"

"It was Good Cor"

"Shawnie, you're lying to me." He was smiling at me; it made me feel like I was in pressure cooker. "Shawnie I want us to stay like this forever."

"Me too, Cor but…It's the way it's supposed to be."

"There's another way"

"What?"

Cory grabbed my hand and put his lips on mine. I felt this warmth over my body and my muscles tensed up.

"Oh Shawn" Cory moaned.

"Shawn"

"Shawn" I opened my eyes, to see my dad standing by my bed. "Oh Shawn"

I jumped up and stared at him nervously. I panicked wondering if he had heard anything from my dream.

"I'm sorry son" Those were the words, the reason why I could never truly hate him, his remorse. He looked at my purple bruise on my arm. "You're a good boy, you really are. I'm sorry I'm such a screw up… don't you ever start drinking. You hear me."

"I love you daddy"

He turned away for a few seconds, blinking real fast. "How was your date boy?"

"Um…good"

"Did you get a kiss?"

"Um…yea"

"That's my boy" He cheered patting me on the shoulder and walked out as mom walked in, with what else but the make-up kit.

She sat on the bed and ran her fingers though my hair "Morning hun" I gave her my arm.

"So I hear you had a little date."

"Yea" I nodded

"So, do you like her?"

"Want the truth?"

"Yes, of course" She giggled.

"Promise not to tell"

"Shawn, I think we both know that I can keep a secret."

I took a breath "When we kissed I got this feeling…"

She started laughing "Oh honey, you're becoming a man. You're supposed to have _that feeling_."

"But it wasn't…really a good feeling."

She paused and looked at me confused. "Well I guess she isn't the one for you. Oh well there is plenty of girls in this world." She chuckled.

That was all I could tell her. There was no way I could tell her about the dream, I couldn't even tell myself about it. I was crazy anyway; after all I didn't really want to kiss Cory.

And that is where it began. That is where I started lying to myself. 


	7. Chapter 7- Milk, Cookies, and beer

"So how your date with Topanga?" I asked Cory as we walked to his house from school. I found out form a group of girls following me that Cory asked Topanga out.

"Shawn it wasn't a date! I mean it was supposed to be, but it wasn't. She came over to my house and bought some crazy witch soup, we played a little sock basketball, and we talked about Mother's day gifts. That's it" He said.

I swallowed "Did you two make out or anything?"

"No" Cory laughed.

So many feelings were running my head. The thought of her kissing him made me sick, yet I couldn't help thinking how she could not want to kiss…him. I had to shake head. I had to stop those thoughts, and most certainly those dreams.

"Do you like her? Like, like, like her?"

"You know, Shawnie she is actually kind of cool."

I felt hurt. I never really thought anything of Topanga before then, besides the fact that she was a bit of a freak. But all of a sudden when I thought of her I felt this squeezing in my heart. I didn't understand why, but I was angry at her.

"Is she like your girlfriend now?"

Cory laughed a little, "I don't know. I don't think so. I kind of think she likes Minkis, you've seen them, the world's strangest couple."

As we walked by the Market Giant, I saw something bad in the window. A drunken Chet Hunter trying to steal a six-pack and getting in a fight with whom else but Mr. Matthews. I couldn't really hear what they were saying, but dad seemed just like his drunken self. Mr. Matthews appeared to be clam, pleading with him. I stood there and watched them.

Cory stood beside me watching it too, "Shawn" Cory whispered to me putting his hand on my shoulder. "Let's go"

%%%%%%%%%

Cory and I sat at his kitchen table doing homework, but I couldn't pay attention to the papers lying in front of me. I was too busy thinking what kind of trouble my dad had gotten into.

Cory knew it, "What's the deal with Algebra? I mean forget about your x already, huh?" he laughed. I started laughing too. Come on that's funny.

The front door opened and shut. "Honey I'm home." Mr. Matthews came in the room. He walked straight to Mrs. Matthews and whispered something in her ear…while staring at me. Mrs. Matthews nodded then gave us a smile.

"Shawn do you want to stay for dinner?"

They always asked me that. I always said yes, anything to get away from the trailer.

Mr. Matthews stared at me all though dinner. As Mrs. Matthews started gathering the plates, he asked me "Shawn, do you want to spend the night?"

That shocked me. Usually it was Cory or his mom that asked me that. "Um…"

Mr. Matthews lean forward "Please we insisted"

I looked over at Cory. He seemed nervous, and _oh damn he looked so cute_. Then I had the scariest thought if I spend the night with Cory…if I was in a dark room…in a bed. I was afraid might do something, that I might act on these feelings.

"No" I cried out.

Mr. Matthews stared at me confused "What? Why?"

"I won't have a place to sleep?"

Mr. Matthews smirked "Haven't you always slept with Cory?"

"No, he can't sleep in my bed" Cory yelled.

We all were in shock. He never had a problem with it before. I felt hurt, angry, but most of all I was curious.

"Dad it's just were not kids anymore…we are growing… older." As Cory's best friend I always was able to read his face, well most of the time. Cory seemed to try to hide it from me, but I could see he was scared and worried.

"I should go" I said as I started to walk out. Mr. Matthews grabbed my shoulder.

"Shawn, you are spending the night. We'll put a cot in the boy's room and that is final." He yelled and walked up the stairs.

"Wow, I rarely see dad that serious." Cory stepped up and whispered to me.

"Cor…" I whispered "I have to ask you something…"

"What Shawn?" Cory whispered staring right into my eyes. I wanted to ask why he wouldn't want me in his bed. I wondered if maybe he was thinking the same thing I was, but I felt my nerves bouncing around. I used to talk to Cory about everything, sports, movies, TV…even about my dad. I knew Cory was good at keeping secrets, but this feeling inside me was a secret that I had kept for Cory.

"Nothing" I finally responded.

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It was three in the morning and I couldn't sleep. I watched Cory tossed and listened to Eric laughing some girl's name. Now they both were dead sleep, but I was very much alive. That was something I trended to have to remind myself of. I had the basic requirements of being alive: beating heart, breathing lungs, moving bones. However I been to think about the other factors of being alive: believing in something, having goals, and knowing one's self. When I thought those things I had to question rather I was living or just alive.

I sat up and stared out the window. The stars always shined brightest at the Matthews' house. Then I heard the door open.

"Shawn, you awake?" Mr. Matthews whispered letting in a little light.

"Yes" I grasped. Mr. Matthews calling me out scared the hell out of me. I didn't want to talk to him, alone.

"Shawn, while don't you come down and have some milk and cookies with me."

My stomach turned "I don't think…"

"Shawn, please" He took a deep breath "it's important, we need to talk."

"Okay" I spoke softly. I might as well just face the music. I crawled out the bedroom and followed him the stairs.

"Sit down" he said motioning to the kitchen table. I nervously sat and took a breath. Mr. Matthews went to get out a carton of milk. He handed me a glass then sat across from me.

"Shawn, I know you're a smart boy"

I laughed "Smart? Yea right, have you seen my grades?"

Mr. Matthews stared into my eyes, "You know there's more than one way to be smart." He took a deep breath "Shawn, has your dad…"

"My dad?"

He nodded "Shawn, I have always welcomed you into my home because I wanted to protect you from harm…but it seems more and more that things are worse than I thought." He ran his fingers though his hair.

"What?" I was confused. Why would he want to protect me, if he hates me?

He was playing his hair than slammed his hand on the table "has your father ever hit you?"

I started breathing fast and looking down at the floor.

"Shawn?" He spoke trying look into eyes.

I kept looking down trying to keep my mouth shut and to stop any tears from falling.

"Shawn, did Cory ever talk to you about his grandfather?"

"His grandfather Poppy?"

"No…grandfather John, John Matthews."

I shook my head "No"

"John Matthews is my father."

"Okay…so…"

"You see he was an alcoholic."

I looked up at him.

"And he was the worst kind of alcoholic. He was kind that would beat anything he saw."

"Your dad beat you?" I grasped.

"Yea, he beat me all though my whole childhood. Ever since I could remember my father would always come home drunk and if anybody made a move or a sound…" He banged his hand on the table again, "That was painful, not just physically but mentality, and I was too afraid to talk to anybody about it." He bitterly laughed "The truth was everybody knew what he was, but nobody tried to stop him."

He lowered his eyes. "As a kid I felt so weak and unless, I had all this hate, anger, and just resentment toward him" He leaned more towards me "And Shawn those feelings, grew into anger toward the world. Shawn I began to steal, to get into fights…Shawn I even trying drinking. I always thought since my dad drank that I was bound to do the same."

"Do you become…you know a drunk?" I asked him.

"Alcohol has one of most horrible taste in the world…yet I couldn't help it. So to answer your question, I had a few drunken nights."

"Did you go home?"

"Hell no! I would never scared my mother like that, and my father was such a fucking hypocrite"

I grasped. I had never heard Mr. Matthews talk like that.

"Cubbie would let me sleep it off in the back room."

"Really?"

"Yup, He let a lot of guys pass out back there." He looked down "I had gained a lot of negative attention, and just like with my dad, nobody tried to stop me. Well nobody until…"

"Until what?" I sat on the edge of my seat.

"I was on a date with this beautiful blonde. Shawn, to this day I have no idea how I got her to go out with me." He laughed "She was hot, smart, and came from a good family. We were just having a blast. Sure people were staring at us, but she didn't care. As we were walking out that night I asked her 'You know who my father is. You know who I am, so why are you hanging around me?'" He smiled "And she said 'Because I know who you really are. You're the bag boy who would take someone's bags to their car without charge. You're the guy who stood up for Sarah Gunmen when Bobby Raymond wouldn't take "no" for an answer. You're the boy with the biggest heart I've ever seen."

I couldn't help to smile "Aww that's beautiful. What happened to that chick?"

Mr. Matthews laughed and point to the gold ring on his finger, "I married her"

"Wow"

"Yea, wow." He chuckled. "One of the happiest moments in my life, but it also led to one the scariest moments, when Amy told me she was pregnant."

"But I thought you liked being a dad?"

"I do. It's just when I first heard that…my mind went back my father. I was scared that I would turn into my father." A tear started to come from his left eye. "But when I held Eric for the first time…I made a promise to him and to myself that I was never going to lay to hand on my children." He took a breath "Shawn for years I have dealt with your dad's…"

"Scenes?"

"Yea, did you know that I'm actually supposed to be your dad's sponsor?"

I was completely shocked "No, I didn't even know he…"

"I know Shawn; it's hard to see him actually trying to get help."

"If you're his sponsor then why…."

"I know, I know get that I haven't been doing a great job. But Shawn I've always tried. I've always tried my best. I just always thought he would get a little drunk and let his anger out at the store. I would rather him take it out on me than you and your mother." He looked straight into my eyes "Shawn you really are a good kid, and a really good friend to Cory. I've watched you grow up, and I see that hiding away and that fear that I felt in you."

"So don't you hate me?" I shook.

"No, of course not. I could never hate you… Shawn if he…tries to hurt you… please don't be afraid to call me, or run over here. Please?"

"Okay" I nodded "Can I go to bed now?"

"Yea, Shawn…if you talk anybody to talk to I'm here?"

I nodded and I got up.

%%%%%%%%%%%%

I opened the door, trying to quietly seek in. I found Cory sitting on my cot.

"Shawn"

I walked over to him.

"Shawn, are you crying?"

"Cor…" I cried. He grabbed my hand and pulled me down on the cot next to him. I ended up telling him the entire talk with Mr. Matthews, as we laid in the cot.

"I don't want to be my dad Cory" I sniffed

"Well I don't want to be my grandfather" he whispered "Shawn lets promise never to drink."

I nodded in agreement, thinking how much I wanted to kiss him.

**Note: For the next chapter I want to move into the high school years (Season 2). I just want to know if that's okay? Because that's where the good stuff really starts. I want to know if yall think that I have not covered enough of their childhood? Or that yall think I should just skip to high school? **


	8. Chapter 8- I'm not a fag

**Note: I'm going to tell yall now the word "faggot". I know that it is a offensive word. As a member of the LGBT community it's a word that dose bother me too. I hope yall please see the context that it is used in, it's supposed to be a hurtful word and sadly it is used. Yall know by now that this a intense story and since Shawn is "getting older" things are getting more mature (including language) thank yall so much and please review **

I walked through the halls of John Adams High School, with Cory right be my side. I kept looking over at him sweating, shaking, and repeating "the plan" Eric gave to him to himself.

Damn he's so cute when he's freaking out.

Cory kept going on and about this guy named Harley, and the plan was to bow to him the first chance we got. I didn't mention it to Cory, but I was already aware of Hardy Kinder. The Kinder's were the Italian family in trailer park. His mother was a druggie and his little sister was a little slut, and his father was…well who knows where. I guess the best way to describe Hardy would be a mixture of Al Capone and the Fonz. Hardy and Eddie went to high school together for 5 years (until Eddie finally dropped out). Eddie and Hardy were like the co captains of the trailer park gang. But just because Hardy and Eddie might be buds, didn't mean I was. However Cory was right to want to bow to him to him, he was a powerful person, someone you didn't want to cross. Then I saw Cory's small body being flung up against the lockers. Another thing I didn't mention to Cory is that I already knew who was pinning him down, Frankie "The Enforcer" Stechino, another trailer park kid. Frankie's dad is a semi-famous pro wrestler and his little brother was a little thief. Usually if anybody put a hand on Cory I would beat them up. However Frankie was a big guy, I mean I was slightly bigger than his leg. Right next to him was Joey "The Rat" Epstein; he was called a rat because his was reported to be one of most dishonest and disloyal guys in town.

"You were almost in my way" Frankie growled.

Cory ruffled though his notes.

"You're Frankie Stechino, The Enforcer"

I caught Frankie's eye and nodded. He recognized me and nodded, then let go of Cory.

I stepped in between them, "We were just looking for our home room."

As they walked away Cory turned to me. "Wait if Harley Kinder is the biggest and meanest then what those guys?"

"Maybe they're the welcoming committee" I said sarcastically.

We felt a tap on our shoulders. We turned around to find Topanga.

"To-pan-ga" we both said as we hugged her. Topanga joined in on the group hug, but in the corner of my eye I couldn't help to notice her embracing him a bit tighter. Cory and Topanga seem to have forgotten about their "date", and she started to hang out with us, I liked having her around, but I felt on nervous when the two of them whispered and smiled at each other. Despite everything I was honestly glad to see her. I was glad to see a friendly face.

"What has gotten into you two?" She laughed.

"We are just happy to see you." Cory smiled

She rolled her eyes, "So it looks like we are all in same home room Mr. Turner."

Cory started flipping his notes "Turner, Turner…he's not in here…if he's so bad that Eric didn't mention him."

I laughed "Teachers are the only thing in this school that I'm not afraid of. I hadn't met one yet that would 'change my life'" That was true. Teachers seemed to have always tried to be my "hero". Everybody wanted to fix me like teaching the poor trailer kid was supposed to get them to some gold metal. Everybody wanted to be the fairy godmother in my lifetime movie. They all started out with fake smiles, but after I refused to do my work, insult them in class, and played a few pranks they dismissed me like all the rest.

Then this guy in a leather jacket walked our way. He had a black mullet and was holding a motorcycle helmet.

"That's Hardy" Cory pointed out.

"That's not him" I smirked "That guy is like thirty."

"He's a lifer" Cory said as he walked up to the man. "Hello I'm Cory Matthews I want to be your friend. I'll do anything you want, hold you'll place in the lurch line, and do your detention…just anything. I'll even do your homework."

"Cool" he smiled "I want all my students to my homework"

Cory grasped, "You're so mean that they give you students."

The man laughed "They give all the teachers students." He smirked "John Turner, your new English teacher."

I was shocked. I had never a teacher with long hair and a leather jacket.

The bell rang.

He gave us a quick smile. "You better get to class." He said as he walked to one of the nearby door and opened it "Come on"

We followed him in the classroom and took our seats. We always sat in the same seats, the row of 3 closest to the door. Topanga always in the front (because was always trying to be the teacher's pet), I sat in the back (because I wanted nothing to do with any of it), and Cory sat in the middle (because well…just because). I don't think it was something we ever decided on, we just did it.

Turner put his stuff behind the brown desk. "I am Mr. Turner. I'm here for home room, English, and anytime you want to talk."

"Cool" Cory cheered.

"Did I say you could talk?" Turner snapped. "Are you going to be trouble Matthews? Are you going to be the smartass who's going to bring down the new teacher?"

I laughed, Cory was a bit of a class clown, but he could never get to the level of being a trouble maker.

Cory pointed to me. "No, that would be Shawn"

Turner laughed "Shawn uh? Now if Shawn was really trouble, then Shawn would avoid making eye contact with me." He said walking up to my desk. I looked down.

He lowered himself to meet my eyes "Hi Shawn"

"Hey how you doing" I smirked.

"So Shawn do you know anything about the odyssey?"

"Yes I do"

"Besides that it's a book"

"No I don't"

He smirked and walked toward the front of the room "You who knows what odyssey means?"

Topanga being the suck up she is raised her hand immediately.

He pointed at her "What's your name?"

"Topanga"

"Topanga?"

She nodded understanding how strange her name was.

"Okay Topanga"

"It means a long and difficult journey"

"That's right" he said "It's a journey about a guy just trying to get home alive, with fictional characters representing friendship and heroism."

"Who would want to read that" Cory and I smirked at the same time. I know sometimes it's like we shared a brain.

Turner walked up to us and looked at Cory desk "You do. I see an X men here, am I right?"

I was amazed to see a teacher that knew about X men. This guy was defiantly not Fenny.

"Yea, you know X men?" Cor asked.

"Yup, I know about all sorts of comic books. In fact I want you to read X men."

"Coolest teacher ever." Cory cheered.

Turner chuckled "You all with read both X men and The Odyssey, and my friend Mr. Matthews will lead the discussion on the similarities and differences."

"Fenny with an earring" Cory whispered.

Then Turner went on with the "it's your first day" speech that they had clearly written for him. I could tell by the sarcasm in his voice and the little jokes he cracked as he read the paper.

He was funny, honest, and not old fashion at all. He was the first teacher that I didn't mind being around.

The bell rang and Turner yelled out "Have a nice day and don't get killed"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Cory slammed his lurch tray on the table. "Shawn I'm dead"

I laughed "Cory you're being over dramatic"

He sat next to me, trying to stare in my eyes. I turned away slightly; it was too hard looking at him without thinking about kissing his lips.

"I ran into Hardy"

I dropped my fork "What happened?"

"Well one thing led to another and in we got in trouble…oh by the way Fenny is the new principal."

"What? How?"

"It's Fenny! He has some kind of dark magic that he uses to screw with us." He signed "Anyway Hardy is going to kill me."

"No, he won't"

"Yes, he will…I'm going to get help from Eric." Cory said grabbing a chicken leg and leaving to try to catch Eric's eye. I wanted to try to help him out too. I sneaked the lurch room and into the boy's restroom.

Hardy was having a smoke by the urinals while Frankie was shoving some poor kid's head in a toilet. Hardy saw me and gave me a crooked smile. "Hey its Eddie's little brother…um Shane?"

"Shawn" I smirked.

"I know I just was messing with you. You want something?"

"Yea, I heard you ran into my best friend Cory"

"Who?"

"Black curly hair?"

"Oh Baboon" he laughed.

I stepped closer in front of him "What did you call him?"

Then this hunky jock walked up to the urinal next to us. I was trying to look at Hardy, but I felt one of my eyes glance over at the jock unzipping his jeans and whipping out his…well never saw him on the field but I could see he was "gifted" in some way. My jaw dropped and found it hard to breathe. I felt this…well might as well say it, a tingling feeling in my…in my penis.

"Hello?" Hardy smirked seeming to notice my distraction.

I closed my mouth and I looked back at him. "Anyway, please don't kill him."

He laughed "See here's the thing Shawn. I have a rep here that need keep. So your friend baboon…yea you're going to have to say good-bye to that goofy face."

"Oh come on Harvey…"

He shoved his face into mine. "Hey don't ever call me that fag"

The jock turned his head and quickly zipped his pants back up and ran out.

"What?" I whispered shocked, confused, and scared all at once, "What did you call me?"

Frankie came out from the stall with some poor kid that ran out too. Hardy took another puff "I saw you checking out that guy's cock. I bet you wanted to kiss him too. Wow who would ever thought that a Hunter would be faggot"

On the inside I wanted to cry. Back then I didn't really know the real meaning of that word, but I knew what he was talking about. I had heard that word being used around since I was a kid. However at that moment I felt more range than tears. "I'm not a…a fag" I took a breath "I wasn't checking out anybody. Do you know what? You're the one that mention him…so maybe you're the faggot huh?"

I knew the second it came out of my mouth that I was going to get the crap beaten out of me. Hardy's mouth dropped. "Frankie" He command as he snapped his fingers. Without even thinking about it, Frankie grabbed my neck and shoved me into the small stall.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"Turner saved your life?"

"Yea Shawn, Hardy was about to punch me when Turner came in and told him a thing or two." Cory laughed as we walked home.

I didn't tell him about my interaction with Hardy. I actually didn't feel much like talking. Well to be honest my mind was flashing between cocks and lips, while hearing Hardy's voice repeating "faggot" over and over again. I spent the whole day biting my lip and trying to keep my face emotionless.

"Shawn, are you okay?" Cory asked grabbing my arm. "You seem distant"

I stared at him "Do I?"

"Yea" he said shifting his backpack around "Is it…you know…him? Do you want to spend the night?" He gave me the look, the "I want to save you" look.

"Cory it's not about my dad" I whispered.

"Okay Shawnie"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Things had changed in the trailer. My dad wasn't coming home drunk and beating us every night. Instead he wasn't coming home most nights.

I walked into the trailer to see mom finishing her make up. Mom had changed too, her make-up was getting more colorful, and her clothes were getting sluttish. I don't think my parents hardy talk to each other at that point.

"Hey" I greeted her.

"Hey baby how was school?" she asked applying hot pink lipstick.

"Okay…for you know school" I laughed "by the way mom I don't think the blue tube top looks good with the pink lips."

"Really hon?" she said examining her outfit "Should I change?"

"Yea" I said grabbing a coke and sitting at the kitchen table. "You're a blonde so pink works well on you. Now I would wear that pink sequences halter top you have. It would match the lipstick. Plus it would also look better with that black leather skirt."

She left the room for a minute and came back wearing the shiny pink top and pour herself a glass of whiskey. "Shawn you are so right. I'm lucky to have a son with such an eye." She kissed me on the cheek.

"So do you think dad will come home tonight?"

She drank the glass "I wouldn't plan on it." She chuckle as she finished the drink. "Well I have to go work the bar tonight" she said as started to walk to the door.

I rolled my eyes; she was defiantly "working" the bar.

"Mom" I whispered.

"Yea Shawn"

"I love you" I called out just because I was curious to see how she would respond.

She paused and grabbed the door knob "There are leftovers for dinner" she cried before walking out.

I heard the door close. I walked over and got out black notebook and started to write:

_I can honestly say the more I live the less pain I feel._

_Because the feeling of pain starts to feel more normal._


	9. Chapter 9- Covering up my imperfections

I sat against my door writing.

_I hear the sounds of yelling._

_I feel broken glass._

_I taste blood._

_I sniff the smell of alcohol._

_I see the sight of burses._

_These are the five senses of my life._

Dad only came home that one night that mouth. He came home drunk mumbling under his breath. I manage to stay hidden while he finished off and dropped about two or three more beers. "Shawn, you better get your ass in here." My dad thundered.

I tried to rush to my bed to pretend that I was asleep (it worked once or twice). However before I could make it the door slammed open. I dropped everything, my pencil, my notebook, and my confidence.

"Why didn't you come when I called you?" He yelled as he punched me in my right cheek.

"Did you hear me?" He yelled as punched me in the left cheek. That was where the taste of blood came in.

"I'm sorry daddy" I cried.

He grunted "So now you're crying" he punched me in the nose. It just caused more blood and more tears.

"What are you some girly boy?" He went on yelling.

I didn't know what hurt more his punches or his words "I'm sorry daddy" I cried out again. Eventually he got tried and slowly stubbed out.

I laid on my bed trying to stop crying for about five minutes. Then I heard footsteps.

"Shawn honey" my mom said sweetly. She shut the door and sat down next to me with the make-up kit. "Your dad passed out on the kitchen floor." She smirked.

I sat up and saw her beaten up face. "Mom?"

"Yea?"

"Do you ever get tired of this? Why do we always have to do this?"

I stared at me for a second "Do you know why women rely so much on their make-up?"

'Yea, yea to cover up" I smirked.

"Shawn, its more than that…babe if you cover up your imperfections long and hard enough…it can make you believe that they're gone."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

I had a dream that I was lying on Cory's bed.

He was on top kissing my lips harshly. My body was reacting to his body and his body was reacting to mine. It felt so surreal.

"Faggot" I heard a deep voice say. I looked over and saw Harley standing next to the bed.

I clearly hear it, but Cory and I didn't stop kissing.

"Faggot" Frankie appeared next to him.

But we kept going.

"Faggot" Joey appeared next to him.

But we kept going.

"Faggot" Eddie appeared to next him.

But we kept going.

Then I heard a deep drunken voice "Faggot"

That's when I stopped kissing Cory. I looked over and saw my parents standing before me. I quickly pushed Cory off me.

Cory didn't seem to notice the other people in his bed room. He looked at me confused "Shawn what's wrong? Isn't this what you want?"

Everybody gathered around me. My dad grabbed me. I felt his hands growing tighter around my neck. I felt my breathing decreasing and all I could see was white.

"Faggot" They all said.

"No I'm not" I screamed as opened my eyes. My body was shaking and breathing heavily. As I tried to maintain a steady breath I felt tears going down my face.

That was the moment I knew I had to do something. I felt had to change myself. I felt had to fix myself. I remembered what my dad said "kiss enough girls and you'll get it."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"Morning son" my dad cheered as I walked out of my bedroom.

I grasped. I was shocked to see him. I was even more shocked to see him sober. I had few moments like this so I wanted take advantage of it. "Dad can I ask you something?"

"Sure son"

"How do you…get girls?"

He smiled at me "That's my boy. Well my son you have inherited Hunter hair."

I laughed "Hunter hair?"

"Yep" he said running his hands though his hair. "Do that"

I ran my hand though my hair "That?"

He chuckled "You're a natural. Used that and a smile and you will have no problem." He went on to tell me some of greatest lines. Then I had to go to school.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%

It seems like everybody at school was making out with somebody.

Cory and I just stood there by our lockers watching it all.

"Has the whole world paired off?" Cory asked.

"Pretty much" I smirked.

"So is there a list somewhere where I find out which girl has been assigned to me?"

I laughed "Do you want a girlfriend?"

"Well not a girlfriend, just maybe a girl that's a friend."

I laughed again, wasn't sure how to feel about that.

"Well how about her?" I said pointing to a random girl.

Cory stared at me "No, I don't know her. I want someone I know and someone who knows me, someone like…"

"Me" I whispered too quiet for him to hear.

"Like Topanga" He yelled out talking across the hallway.

"Topanga, of course" I whispered to myself. I watched him smile and talk to her. I once again felt this anger toward her, it like was ongoing sickness at I didn't know the cure for. I got to admit I was shocked then to see her walk away.

Cory walked back to me defeated. "She said doesn't want ruin our friendship." He smirked.

I laughed nervously as Michael and Lisa Marie formed another new couple before our eyes.

Cory groaned "I just saw it happen and I still don't know how it happens"

"Well" I smirked "I think I found some way." Then I put my hand though my hair.

"Hey Shawn" some girl called out.

"Wow" Cory chuckled. "How did you do that?"

"Watch this. I'm still young enough to do it twice in a row." I did it again.

"Oh Shawn" some another girl cheered walking up to me.

I was shocked, but happy that it worked.

"Hey babe" I smiled and put my arm around her.

%%%%

It wasn't going too bad. We laughed and talked about the bright colors and patterns of 1990's fashion. Her name was Anna, and she knew all the gossip about every 14 year old at John Adams.

"Oh Shawn, did I tell you that Tina Goatee stuffs her bra"

I flicked my wrist, "Really? Everybody can see the toilet sticking out."

We both laughed.

"Totally…oh my god looked at what Christine Morison is wearing" Anna pointed (in that bitchly way).

As we sat in a lurch table I looked over, "Oh girl. She cannot pull off the jean jacket look" I said snapping my fingers. (Back then I didn't think about how "snapping" my fingers and saying "Oh girl" made me look).

She laughed and grabbed my hand "I really liked spending this time with you Shawn"

I nodded "Yea, it's kind of fun" It was true. I liked talking to her. Things were going good…then she did it.

She put her lips on mine. It put me right back in place I was on that first date. However Anna did something different. She started pushing her tongue into my teeth. I opened my mouth to grasp in shock, but before I could do anything it was in my mouth. On the inside I was freaking out. Then I remembered what things I was "supposed" to do. I put my tongue in her mouth and waged it around hoping I was doing it right. She moved her head closer and her tongue rolled over mine, so I guessed she liked it. I just played along and tried to breathe though my nose. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. As much I tried to "get into" it there was this feeling that I knew was missing. I was relieved when she pulled away.

"So are we a couple?" she laughed.

I felt I got something caught in my throat.

"Um...what does that mean?" I blurred out.

She laughed "Well like our parents…"

"Like our parents?" I almost screamed.

She kept smiling "Yea, your parents' marriage, always reflect your own relationships"

"No" I whispered. I pictured my parents "Hell no'

"What Shawn?"

"I don't want that" I ended up screaming. I rushed out the lurch room into the boy's bathroom and I locked self in one of the stalls.

"What's going on right now?" I whispered to myself cuddling my knees as I sat on the toilet. "What am I supposed to do?" I took a deep a breath and got out my black notebook.

"One, I dream of kissing guys. Two, most of the time that guy is my best friend. Three, my father (and everybody) wants to date girls. Four, I like girls but I feel strange kissing them. Five, I don't want ended up like my parents. Six, I'm too confused to figure out numbers one though five."

Then I remember what my mom said the other night. "If you cover up your imperfections long and hard enough…it can make you believe that they are gone."

I turned to a clean page.

_I must cover up._

_I must cover up my true imperfections. _

_I must cover up with so many layers._

___Maybe if I wear enough layers, I'll forget my bloody skin. _

_Maybe if I wear enough layers, what is good will become bad and what is bad will become good. _

_Maybe if I wear enough layers, they will become my new skin._


	10. Chapter 10- My Own Nature

I never thought the word "weeny" would change my high school life.

Cory and I ended up the newspaper room alone. I think we started out looking for Eric. We found him in the journalism room with the editor in chief, who was one of his little flings. Our presents seem to have angered her which caused her run out. Eric called us rats and went after her. We laughed it off until we took a look at the computer…then we laughed some more.

The front page story was about Feeny becoming the principal and the headline read:

_The New Principal is Feeny_

"A page full of Feen…won't that scar little kids" Cory joked.

We laughed and started playing around with the keyboard.

"Oh what if it was Teeny?"

"No Denny?"

"No what about Beeny?"

Then my finger pressed the W.

"Weeny" we chuckled at the same time.

"Imagine 2000 students reading that."

This rebel blood started rushing to my hand. I felt this feeling of wanting stick it to the man. I want to show them. Most of all I wanted something I didn't have a lot of in my childhood.

"Power, Power" I command.

"Shawnie power like that can be really bad in the wrong hands." Cory reached over me and changed it back. "Come on" he left leaving me alone.

"Yup that's right, wrong hands." I whispered to myself. I knew I should have gotten up, but I couldn't. Something else I didn't have a lot of in my childhood was a lot of choices. Now I was given a choice to walk away or to cause trouble. The nagging grew more and more as I sat there. Let my mind, my heart, and my knowing of right and wrong sip away. I pressed the letter W then the word send.

%%%%%

The next day everybody at school was laughing at the headline. I was felt as if I was on this high. I felt I was bouncing off the walls. Seeing everybody admiring what I did, even Harley praised it.

I heard him smirked, "The guy that cooked up something like this is the kind of guy I want to hang with"

I laughed and walked up to him feeling full of myself. "Hey Harley you know that guy who did that…it's me."

"You? really?" he smirked again.

"Yea I did it" I said stepping into his space that high going straight to my head. I then whispered "I'm not a faggot now. Am I?"

He chuckled and got into my face. "Frist of all, one stupid headline is nothing compared to Eddie's work. Second of all I'm now thinkin you used the word weeny cause you wantna sick some."

My mouth dropped. All I could think was Damn you. Damn you Shawn. Why did you have to bring it up? What is wrong with you?

While I stood there trying to think of a comeback when Cory grabbed me by the arm.

"Have you gone fairer than I've ever imagine." He shouted at me.

"Cor you don't understand…"

"How could you do this? Do you realize how much trouble you'll be in with Feeny?"

I forget about that. I forget about the trouble I would get into.

%%%%%

"Today is our discussion on the Scarlet Letter. Which I hope all of you had at least started." Turner said he wrote the letter A on the chalkboard. "See Hester Prime…"

I was half listening. My mind was too focused on what I did. I knew I was doing something bad, but it felt so good doing it. It was wrong but it felt right. The thing that I hated the most was that I was given a choice to do the right thing but I didn't. Then I heard something that caught my attention.

"See the puritans had very strict laws because they believed that people by nature were evil and easily tempted."

"What?" I yelled out my eyes completely opened.

Turner walked over to my desk "Yea, the puritans believed that in their natural world humans would make bad choices, which is why they thought it was god's job to punish them."

He stared at me, "So Hunter what you did think about The Scarlet letter?" he asked me. He looked like he was really interested in what I had to say. The truth is that I had read the book. The truth is that there a lot of things I wanted to say about it.

_The Scarlet Letter shows how that the puritans were a bunch of hypocrites that claim to have left England for freedom yet they become the most judgmental society themselves?_

_The Scarlet Letter shows how strong and bold a woman can be, not being scared into selling out others?_

_The Scarlet Letter show the battle of Hester's outside conflict versus the Rev.'s inner conflict, questioning what is worse public shame or private guilt? _

But I acted dumb; I always acted dumb in class. I was supposed to be the shallow minded trailer trash so instead I said "It's about some chick that gets knocked up."

Turner looked at me disappointed.

%%%%%%

It turns out the janitor saw me. Fenny gave me dentition for like a mouth. However there was a bright side. When I got out of Feeny's office I was marked as the hot bad boy. Every other guy seemed to want to be my friend. Every other girl…oh the girls…between my looks and my new found rep every other girl wanted to date me. Wanting to gain back that high and wanting to fix myself, I went along with it.

Cory didn't want to walk with me that day, he said that we were okay, but he had to go talk to Topanga. I walked home trying to convince myself that this was the real me, a bad boy ladies man.

"I'm hot rebel who wants babes." I repeat to myself to until I got home.

Then I opened my trailer door to see something I very rarely saw…my sister. Stacy was wearing her pink waitress uniform with a stained apron. She sat on our couch in a shower cap smoking a cigarette. It was easy to forget that she was only a little older than Eric.

"Hey Stacy, what's you doing?"

"I wanted to die my hair in peace." She said pointing to the shower cap, "I figured Daddy wouldn't be home, so they myself in."

"It's okay with me." I dropped my bag and sat next to her "So how's the family?"

"Well I got a baby and a toddler crying all the time and my deadbeat husband can hardly keep a job. I'm working gave yard shifts… " She took a puff, "Are you really going to let me go on?"

"Well Stacy, I'm curious how you are doing. I don't get to talk to you a lot."

She took a puff "yea I guess that's true." She smiled "So…what's going…at school? You'll still in school right?"

I smiled too, "yea, um…we are reading The Scarlet Letter…do you remember that book?"

She stared into space for a second, "Is that the one about the chick that gets knocked up and everybody calls her a slut?"

I nodded "Yea, I guess that's pretty much the main idea"

She laughed "been here"

"Hey Stacy…do you believe people are evil by nature?"

She slowly turned to me "I don't know…" then she smirked "I know marriage is evil."

I always heard Stacy and her high school boyfriend turned husband yelling at each other. They seemed to have an abusive relationship, yet I would still see them making out in his pick up truck. That's when a question popped into my head. "Hey I know this maybe a creepy question but…if you hate him then how do you…kiss him and stuff."

She took another puff, "I picture George Cooney."

I was confused, "What?"

"When I kiss by husband I picture that I'm kissing George Cooney, or Mario Lopez, or one of the cute bus boys at the dinner."

"Does it work?"

"Yea…makes it much easier to fake it." She laughed until the timer went off, "I have to go wash this out." She said getting up.

After about ten minutes, she came back in the living room with bleach blonde hair.

"I had a nice time talking to you, Sis. And that's a good color on you." I said sweetly.

She gave me a small smile and left.

I sat alone and thought about Turner's class. I got out my black notebook.

_In my natural world _

_I'm criminal_

_I'm trouble _

_I'm sin_

_I cannot resist the thrill of temptation _

_I want to lie, cheat, and steal_

_My mind knows better_

_But my own nature doesn't _


	11. Chapter 11- Carrer Day

**Note: warning: thoughts of self harm and masturbation. I'm telling you now, so that that grosses you out. **

Career day is the day when parents embarrass their children and speak about whatever job they numb their minds with.

Career day is the day I wish to forget, but always will remember.

Career day was the day my trust broke.

It started as a normal morning, well normal to me. I rolled out of bed, put on some oversized clothes, and thought about how much I hated going to school.

Dad wasn't home, he was "out of town", which meant he was doing who knows what. That wasn't new.

"Mom" I called walking into the living room.

My mom was sitting on the couch smoking. She looked awful. Her skin had no color in it. Her hair looked like one big rats nest. Her eyes were so pale that they looked dead.

"Mom?"

She turned to me and put on a smile, "Hey baby! Good morning."

I took a seat on the leg of the couch "You okay?"

She just stared at me with staying a word then said "I'll be fine…you're a good boy Shawn."

I laughed a little "Sure I am. Well I have to go to the pit of death called school." I gave her a kiss on the cheek and joked, "Go put on some lipstick."

She laughed so I thought it was okay to leave.

%%%%%%

Mr. Matthews sweated as he tried to make working at a super market more interesting than selling rice. He tried; he showed up, I had to respect him for that. I looked at Cory in front of me, I could tell more than everybody that Cory was defiantly embarrassed, but he saw how nervous his dad was. I kind of laughed to myself. I thought at least I wouldn't have to go through that, that's one of the good things about not having good parents.

Then Chet Hunter walked in.

"Sorry I was out in the hall having a smoke." He laughed.

I swallowed hard and bolt from my seat.

"Dad! I thought you were out-of-town." I whimpered.

"Well if anybody asks I am" he joked.

Crap, crap, crap. He was sober yea, but still who knows what he could do.

Dad turned to Turner "Chet Hunter" dad said offering his hand. Turner took the hand, and looked at me. He could tell by the way a bit my lip that this wasn't planed.

"This is Chet Hunter, Shawn's dad." He told the class unsure of his own words.

I sat back at my seat with my nerves shaking.

"So what does your dad do?" Cory whispered.

"I don't know l want to find out too." I whispered.

Dad stood up smiling the class. "What do I do? Some men build things with their hands, some men put food on America's table. And I tip my hat to both of them." He said motioning to the defeated Mr. Matthews.

"Well…I do a lot of things."

I couldn't breathe, oh crap, oh crap.

Cory must have sensed it, he turned around and whispered "Shawn are you okay? You're not breathing?"

"Yea. I'm sorry" I squeaked. Cory put his hand on mine; the warm touch calmed my nerves a little.

"I sell dreams…" dad went on, telling the stories how he created CNN which he called "The Chet News Network", the microwave, and how he saved the lives of millions. The class seemed to be amazed by him. I'll admit that dad was a good public speaker; I guess that's where I got my charm form. It was so nice to see him like this, the dad I always wanted but only sometimes had. He was funny, whiting, and friendly. Every once in a while he looked over at me and smiled. I wanted to smile back, but I still could believe that this was even happening. I wanted to give in to this beautiful lie, but I already knew too much of the ugly truth.

%%%%%%%%%%%

Cory and I were sitting at lurch wanting to forget our embarrassing fathers.

"My dad was so bad just embarrassing." Cory complained while we were eating.

"Your dad wasn't that bad." I tried to reassure him.

"The melon is your friend." He mocked.

"Yea, that was bad. But come on Cor, you know your dad tried"

"Your dad was amazing, his stories were great." He smiled.

"Yea his stories that's just what they are! He just has stories! Why do you think we live in a trailer…? " I began to go off when dad walked in with Fenny chasing behind him.

"I'm George Fenny the principal of this here school." Dad said.

"No you're not" Feeny yelled.

"Dad!" I almost shouted while getting up from my seat. "Mr. Fenny this is my dad."

Fenny shifted his eyes between the two of us, "Oh…"

I turned to my dad, "Dad can't you just go home?"

He looked at me with his deep blue eyes. I had seen his eyes millions of time, but it was the first time I've seen them like this. They were sad even weak.

He took a breath, "Did you kiss you mom this morning?"

I nodded.

"Well that's gotta have to hold you for a while." He quietly spoke.

I shook my head "What do mean?"

"Your mama ran away"

I laughed, "Dad just go home she'll be back."

He stood there in silence, "See here is thing…she took the house"

I was speechless.

He went on, "that's the thing about having a mobile home…it moves."

Cory tried to reach out to me, "Maybe she is having it washed?" he laughed nervously.

"So…"I caught my breath, "What are you going to do?"

"We go after her"

I didn't know rather to feel flattered or insulted. Since when did my father and I become a "we"? I wanted to scream at him that he should clean up his own mess for once. I found myself being able to holding back my anger. "No. Dad can't just ditch school."

"Okay then, well I have to run" He smirked. Then he pointed to Cory "your father is good people, don't forget that." he said as he walked out.

"Shawnie are you okay?" Cory looked at me with the "I want to help you" look.

I put on a fake smile, "Yea why wouldn't I be?" I faked laughed as I ran out. I caught up with my dad in the hall.

"Hunter" I heard calling me. I turned around to see Turner.

Dad and I stopped. "Hey there teach" dad waved.

"Where are you going Hunter?" Turner asked motioning us into his empty classroom.

I felt like the last thing I needed was to talk to my teacher, "Listen John, we are a bit a busy." I rudely smirked.

Turner looked at me noticing my disrespect "Hunter if you have a problem you can tell me."

"Um teach" dad spoke up "Shawn might be a bit upset. See here my wife has…run out us and took our house so we need to go find her."

"Dad" I murmured, "It's none of his businesses. It's not like he cares."

"Of course I care, Hunter. I do care about your life." Turner tried to look into my eyes as if he were trying to look into my soul. I refused to let him so I lower my head. Turner got out a piece of notebook paper and wrote on it. "Listen Shawn, this is my phone number and my address. If you… or the two of you need a bed, I got an extra." He handed the paper to me.

I smirked and ran out.

%%%%%%%%%%%

We spent the day asking around. Nobody knew where she was and with every "no" dad drank another slip of alcohol. You would think that having his wife leave him would make a man stop drinking, but it just made him drink more. After a while I was tried and he was drunk that we got a room at a cheap motel. Honestly I was still in shock, so I just fell into one of the full size beds trying to process my day. As soon the door shut his screaming started "Why would that slut do this to me?" He looked over at me with those drunken blue eyes. He ran over and grabbed my arm. "Why you being all quiet boy?" he angrily slurred. He grabbed me tighter "You know what, maybe she left be…because she was sick of you getting in trouble."

My heart was screaming. I wanted to yell "You beat her, you broke her, and you made her leave." But I was so sacred of him. I was too scared to ever raise my voice up to his, too scared to protest, and even too scared to move. Then he threw the first punch of the day. That's when I realized that my mom was gone. I realized that I couldn't hear her crying, yelling for him to stop, and…most of all I realized that she wouldn't be there holding the make-up kit. That was the most painful beating I had ever gotten. Because not only could I feel my father hitting me, but I also felt my mother stabbing me.

Dad fell on to the other bed. I could hear him crying. I saw that his heart was breaking. Dad managed to get up and stumble out the motel room.

As I laid there alone I was analyzing my relationship with my mother. I never questioned why she left my dad; the real question was why she didn't take me with her. I would have agreed to it in a heartbeat. Nobody really knew this but I always had thought my mom and I had created a bond over coving ours scars. After every beating, she would come in with that make-up kit. On the surface of the skin it may have just looked like make-up, but our little talks felt so deep. I thought of her as the only another person who could understand me. But now all that was a lie.

I just wondered if this was planned or a part of a sudden breakdown. Either way it proved to me she didn't love me.

I started to take deep breaths, "…My mother doesn't love me…my father doesn't love me…" I whispered to myself.

"Shit I don't even love me."

I didn't want to say it aloud, but my mind was wandering into a dark place. My mind was wondering why there was so much bad around me. My mind was wondering why I supposed to be alive. My mind was wondering who would care if I died.

These thoughts scared me. I couldn't trust anybody. And I suddenly didn't even trust myself being alone in the quiet.

I turned on the television, hoping maybe to find a comedy. I flipped though the channels, passing up a bunch of soap operas, crime shows, and talk shows. Then I saw something…two naked women were kissing. I realized I have gotten into the "special channels". I had heard of porn, dad, Eddie, and all the guys talked about…you know jerking off to it. But as I watched these women I felt of disgusted. They looked so cheap and fake.

"this is porn?"

I turned the channel and what I saw next made me drop the remote.

Two hot guys, I mean they were smoking hot, on a bed shirtless. As they took off each other's pants I felt a tugging feeling in mine. My eyes glued. I found myself drooling and biting my tongue. My brain told me to turn it off, but my body couldn't stop.

"Hey Rex let's do it doggie style." One of them spoke in between two kisses.

I gasped and dug my nails into the bed. As I watched them the feeling grew more intense. It was as if my dick was calling "touch me, touch me" It was this frustration and inner battle. I tried to keep my hands on the bed, but I found I was moving one down my waist, in my jeans.

The door swung open and I immediately turned off the TV. It was the guy worked at the desk. He looked at me with his mouth open. I realized my hand was still my pants; I immediately took it out and stood up.

"Um…I was just…bringing you some clean sheets." He whispered carefully putting the pile of sheets on the bed.

I started to cried "I'm sorry"

"It's none of my businesses." He said walking out.

I sat back down wiping away the tears.

"What the hell is wrong with me?"

I didn't want to be alone. I couldn't be alone.

Then I realized had Turner's address in still in my pocket.


	12. Chapter 12- Do you ever get loney?

**Note: Thank yall so much! It's your reviews that really me keep going. Yall seem do want the same thing so I will give it do you. This is a shorter chapter, I know yall will love it. **

I didn't know where my parents were. I didn't feel like I wanted to be around a happy family like the Matthews. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't know where else to go.

I knocked on Turner's apartment door. I didn't know what I was going to say to him. I just felt like needed to be there.

He opened the door in shock.

"Hi" I squealed. "I'm sorry for bugging you…I'm…I hope I'm not interpreting anything…" as I started to enter I saw one of the social studies teachers, Ms. Tomkins.

"Hey Ms. Tomkins is here" I waved

Turner smirked "I know"

I laughed "You teachers sure worked late" I saw that there wine glasses on his coffee table. Then I realized that I had interpreted them on a date. "Oh…I'm sorry."

She got up off his tan couch, "I'm going"

I felt a little bad "No you have to go"

She kissed Turner on the cheek "We'll talk" she said coldly as she walked out.

"I like her. Do you like her?" I smiled to try to find a subject to talk about.

Turner closed the door "Yea, I like her. Now what are you doing out this late?"

"Um…" I put my hand over my mouth and try to figure out what to say. I wanted somebody to vent to. "My dad and I have been looking for my mom…and I had this thought…"

He looked at me with kindness and understanding. It made me feel nervous, too nervous to bring up… well everything. Instead I made up a lie.

"You know that…um…Forest Hemingway guy…when are going to read his stuff."

"Next year" Turner nodded.

"Good, um I hear he's good." I shook.

Turner raised his eyebrows, "You came here for that?"

"Well you're an English teacher so I figure there was no else I could ask." I laughed nervously.

I took a look at the empty plates and the bowl of pasta on his kitchen table. "Wow, you guys were having a nice dinner."

"Yea, there's plenty if you're hungry" He nicely offered.

"No I ate" I lied. The truth was that I've not eaten anything but two bites of my lurch and that Alfredo looked pretty good.

"Should I put it anyway?" He asked me.

I grabbed the bowl, "No, I might pick at it." I said stuffing some in mouth.

I sat down across from me and asked, "So where are you staying?"

"The motel down the street."

"The one on seventh? Are you sure you are to be okay there?"

I put on a fake smile, "Yea, the guy gave me clean sheets and everything."

"You could cash there if you want?"

"No, I already paid for the TV." I nervously laughed thinking about my experience with motel's television, which was still running though my head.

Turner smiled, "Well then why don't go eat on the couch while I clean up, then I'll dropped you off."

"Okay" I nodded as I went on stuffing my mouth and laid on his couch. It felt kind of cozy, warm… and safe. I started to remember that I was tried.

Turner started gathering the dishes, "You know Hunter, feel free to drop by. I mean we can eat or talk or just hang…"

My eyes started to closed and drifted off to sleep.

In the morning Turner woke me up "Hey Hunter, Happy Saturday" he cheered.

After I rubbed my eyes, I realized I was still on Turner's couch. "Oh Sorry" I said jumping off.

Turner patted my shoulder, "Don't be sorry. So you hungry?"

"Yea" I nodded

"Well I make a mean cheese omelet."

I smiled and nodded.

I sat his at kitchen table while he cooked. He put the two plates of food on the table and in across from me.

"I'm sorry I ruined your date with Ms. Tomkins" I said talking a bite.

He swallowed a bite then smiled, "You didn't ruined anything. I ruined it before you showed up."

"What happened?" I asked with a mouth full of egg.

He was quiet for a few seconds, "Fine I guess I need to talk to someone about it…Cat had this thing about saying 'I love you', and she was talking all this settling down stuff."

"Do you want to that?"

"Want what?"

I smirked "You know all wife and kids stuff?"

We both took another bite.

"To be honest, I don't know. I like kids I am a teacher for god sake. And I like Cat. I just think maybe I'm so used to just taking care of myself…that I'm scared of taking care of someone else…I don't know. You know what I mean Hunter?"

I nodded "Yea"

He took a slip of his coffee, "It's just sometimes I don't know the difference between being independent and being alone."

I dropped my fork, hearing him talk about being alone really pulled a string on my heart. "Do you ever get lonely?" I asked.

He finished off his omelet, "Yea, I do" He shook his head then put on a smile, "Anyway Hunter, I talked to Matthews's dad this morning. You forget your bag at school so Matthews has it. He also wants you to go over there, so we can all have a talk about your dad?"

I finished my food, "So…how did Mr. Matthews sound?"

"He was scared; he is really worried about you kid. "

I nodded "So um…Can I ride on your motorcycle?"

He laughed "yea, but you are wearing my helmet."

We got up from the table; Turner went to go get his helmet.

I stood there thinking. So everybody has to have a town meeting to figure out who stick with me. Then I started thinking of the "what ifs"? What if I never saw my mom again? What if I never saw my dad again? What if the Matthews didn't want me? There was so uncertainly, about my family, my feelings, and even my home.

"Hunter" Turner said noticing the worried look on my face. I felt his arms being wrapped around me. I was shocked and confused for a moment. Then I realized something…he was giving me a hug.

"Everything is going to be okay" He whispered to me. He let go of me and stared into eyes, "Me and Mr. Feeny and the Matthews and everybody else that care about you are going to make this okay."


	13. Chapter 13 Can you just lay here with me

Cory opened the door and grabbed me into a warm hug. Mr. and Mrs. Matthews got up from the couch and both gave me a small hug.

"Shawn, are you okay? Are you hurt?" Mr. Matthews questioned.

"Are you hungry? What do want me make you? Pancakes? Waffles? Anything?" Mrs. Matthews exploded.

"I'm fine and Turner and I ate." I said addressing them both.

Cory stepped in front of them, "Shawn I have your backpack upstairs."

"Hey boys" Turner spoke up "Why don't you two go hang out upstairs."

Mr. and Mrs. Matthews nodded in agreement.

Cory and I went up upstairs to his room.

"Shawn, I was so worried about you? Where were you?" He mothered as he handed me my bag.

I took a seat on his bed, "My dad and I went looking for my mom, and then he left me in a motel room…" I debated if I should tell Cory about what happened at the motel.

"Then what?" Cory asked moving his desk rolling chair toward me.

I lower my eyes, so wouldn't end up daydreaming how cute his curls were. I made the decision to lie, "I just got bored so I went to Turner's apartment"

"Shawnie why didn't you come here?"

The truth was that after having my family being torn into million pieces seeing a happy loving family like them sicken me. "I don't know" I smirked another lie.

"So what was Turner's apartment like?"

Now that was something I could tell him about. I told him about Ms. Tomkins, Turner's cooking, and about him being unsure about marriage and kids.

Cory seemed impressed and amazed "Wow you got to see where a teacher lives"

I laughed confused, "Haven't you lived next door to Feeny like your whole life?"

"Yea, but he has never let me inside."

We both chucked. It was nice to laugh after everything and I could always rely on my goofy best friend for that.

"So where are you staying tonight?"

"The motel is fine" I smirked, "hey why don't come over tonight? They got a pool, and they got cable" I said. I thought if I was going to go back to that motel, I at least I didn't want go back alone. Plus I knew that Cory and I would a lot fun at the motel, hell we would have fun anywhere together.

"We have cable?" Cory smudged.

"Not like this place Cor" I nervously laughed, mostly to myself. I stared at him and debated again if I should tell about the… program I stumbled upon.

"You can't live in a motel" He said lightly tossing me a baseball.

"Why not...at least it won't drive away." I said as threw the ball back with bitter anger.

Cory caught it then put it down and walked over to sit beside me, "You know, you could have cashed here."

"I know I'm fine." I swallowed.

"I know that you're fine…just remember that I'm your friend" He said as he accidentally dropped his hand over mine.

His hand felt so hot on my skin. It felt so good, and it scared the hell out of me. I should have moved my hand but I didn't and I shouldn't have thought about kissing him but I did. I wanted to throw him down on that bed and kiss him as if there the world wasn't so complicated. "I know, it's okay Cor you don't have to worry about me." I managed to say, trying to keep my pride and self-control.

We shifted our eyes between our hands and each other until Cory nervously started ranting, "You know Shawn we are in high school this is the time when can explore certain things about ourselves and I know that we have both kissed girls but I was wondering…"

"Hey Shawn come down son." My dad's voice called out.

I felt I was in pressure cooker siting like that with Cory. I wasn't sure what Cory was trying to say, but I was too afraid to analyze it. Also as crazy it is I wanted to see my dad.

I ran out of there, "see he's back."

As I was going down the stairs I heard Mr. Matthews yelling. "What the hell is wrong with you Chet? How could you let yourself get so out of hand?"

Dad stood there holding his head mumbling. I could see he had a huge hangover.

"Hey dad did you find mom?" I whispered.

He slowly turned to face me, "Yea, but she gave me the slip again…I have something on mind." He slurred rubbing his head. "I know I ain't been the perfect father." He turned to Mr. Matthews, "Allan, I consider you a friend. I respect you more than anybody."

Mr. Matthews just stood there with his arms crossed giving my dad a dirty look. I saw Turner and Fenny doing the same thing behind him.

"I must go after my wife…so can yall take care of my boy."

Mr. Matthews yelled, "Of course Chet, somebody needs to since you and Virna obviously need to get lives together."

Dad cleared his throat, "Yes, yes I know"

I stood trying to retain my anger. I was honestly shocked that my dad didn't even fight for me. I felt like he might as well been saying to feed his dog. "Dad why can't go with you?"

He patted my shoulder, "The road ain't no place for a boy. You belong here…in school…with teach" he said motioning to Turner. "…with these fine people."

"Shouldn't you ask Shawn what he thinks?" Turner spoke up angrily.

"Whatever that's with me" I smirked not knowing if I was being sarcastic or just lying.

He smiled at me, "It's only going to be a couple of days, week's tops."

He turned around and tried to shake Mr. Matthews' hand, "If he can't be with own father, I want him to be with a good father, and you sir are a good father."

He put his arm around me, "Shawn let's go move you'll stuff…oh wait it already moving uh?"

"Chet don't worry about it" Mrs. Matthews said trying to be sweet but sounded more annoyed.

Mr. Matthews raised his hand as if he wanted to hit something…or somebody. "Chet just go" he mumbled as lower his frits.

As dad walked out the door, Cory smiled up at me, "So we are going to be roommates, how great is that going to be?"

I smiled back. Upset as I was I was glad that Cory was there, "I guess we'll find out."

At dinner Eric and Morgan held most of the conversation. Eric ranted on how he was ready to take his SAT's while he spilled ice water on himself. Morgan shared what seemed to be a never-ending story about a boy who stole her glue. I was relieved that at least somebody was talking, I hated the quiet. Mr. Matthews and Mrs. Matthews slowly ate their food as they stared at me. Cory was mostly quiet occasionally making funny faces at me like putting his spoon and fork in mouth to pretend to be walrus. Usually Mrs. Matthews would scold for it, but I think she let him do it because it made me laugh.

After dinner Mr. Matthews insisted that he and I "clean up" meaning throwing the dishes in the sink and talking.

"He took it out on you didn't he Shawn?"

I nodded.

"I'm sorry Shawn"

I looked at him confused, "What are you sorry for?"

He cleared his throat, "I'm sorry that I failed you. I'm sorry that didn't do anything sooner. I didn't think Chet was that bad at home and I didn't think your mother would leave like this."

"You know that is what hurts the most." I sniffed "I thought I had at least one good parent."

He patted my back, "I just want to remember that we are here for you. So what is on your mind right now?"

I couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't tell him that I wasn't able to believe in anybody. I couldn't tell him that my trust in people died that day. I most certainly couldn't tell him that I was concisely thinking semi-dirty thoughts about his son.

'Um…" I said "I think I just want to go to bed."

He nodded "I get that, but if you ever need anything I'll be here." He said giving a small side hug.

Mrs. Matthews set up a bed for me by the window in Cory and Eric's room.

I couldn't sleep. I started to realize that I couldn't sleep in a dark quiet room. I figured out that the reason was that almost every night of my life I would hear the sounds of trucks and people threatening each other. Also it was that factory lights would beam though my bedroom window. To normal people that might seem annoying, but I had adapted to it too well. I also realized the only reason I ever slept good at the Matthews was because Cor was lying next to me. I was watching him rolled around in his bed as I sat there holding my black notebook. I turned on the little lamp on Cory's desk and looked through the window.

_You were never there so how can I miss you._

_You were already beating at heart, so why does it suddenly feel broken._

_Being with you created pain, pain though my whole body. _

_But now I'm shocked to find that it is more painful being without you. _

_Why is that? _

"Shawn?" I heard Cory mumble half a sleep.

I quickly turned off the lamp and ran to the cot.

"Shawn?" He whispered as he walked up to my bed. "You okay?"

I didn't know why I did this, but I moved over to the side of the bed to make space for him.

"Do you want to talk?" He asked as laid down next me.

"I don't really know what to say Cor."

"Is there is anything I can say or do to help?"

I turned to face him. He looked at me with those sweet brown eyes and that cute smile.

"Can you just lay here with me?"

**Note: I hope yall are enjoying this, please if there is any confusion or something you want more of, tell me.**

**I have a few questions that will later in the story, but I want to go ahead and ask yall:**

**1. When it comes to Cory and Shawn having sex, who to yall think is the top and the bottom? (and if you don't what I'm talking about then...yea) **

**2. What do you think about changing Laura (ski trip Laura) into Larry?**


	14. Chapter 14- Stars and Strays

_Hi Jack its Shawn,_

_So right now our father is god knows where chasing my mother. I've been staying at best friend Cory's house for three weeks. I like Cory's family, but I can't take living with them. See, I really didn't grow up with a lot rules and stuff like that. When your parents spent a lot of time bars and don't really pay attention to you, you don't see them parents. You know I mean? Cory's brother, Eric is going crazy over his SAT's (I hear you're the same age as him so you must be going though it too, uh?). Anyway Eric has become a pain my ass, he has been on and on about his lucky pencil, his lucky towel, and his lucky air. And I'm thankful that Cory's parents took me in and all, but they are getting on nerves. I can't eat ice cream for breakfast, because it's not healthy. I can't drink out of the carton, because it's not sanitary. I can't clip my toes nails at dinner, because it's not proper. The only good thing is that every night Cory lies in bed with me. We talk (he's a really good listener) and we fall asleep together. I know Eric sees us but I guess he doesn't mention it because he feels sorry for me. Anyway, how are you? I would really like hear about you. _

I dropped the letter into the mailbox as Cory and I headed off to school.

"I'm sure he'll write back, you're brothers" Cory tried to reassure me.

"I don't know Cor, he has never written back before."

At school Turner was concisely asking how I was doing, and I of course I put on fake smile smirked "I'm fine." I found myself sitting in my classes noticing that Cory and Topanga were…were flirting. She was staring at him, smiling at him, and laughing at his jokes. He was doing it too. He was telling her she looked nice and helping her gather her books. I looked down and tried to ignore it.

Turner's voice snapped me out of my daze; "Hunter" He called me as everybody was leaving.

"What?" I groaned.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm fi…"

"Hunter, I don't give me anymore of that 'I'm fine' crap"

I dropped my bag on Topanga's desk. "Honest?"

He nodded "Honest"

"I'm grateful for the Matthews and all, but they're…" I took a breath, "they're just such a family. I mean even my family, wasn't that family enough. You know?" I didn't understand why I was saying this to him, but I was.

He nodded, "I get it. The Matthews are good family so good that's sort of little annoying huh?"

I laughed, "Yea"

"Well you're welcome to call me anytime you need a break or something."

"I know, you already told me that." I rolled up my eyes grabbed my bag and raced out of the room.

That night I stared out the window listen to the sounds of barking. It was the dog that wandered around Cory's street.

_Stray dogs howl free in moonlight._

_They enjoy being wild in the dark, for it is the cage that scars them._

_I think of myself as stray with less hair_.

I know it wasn't great. I was thinking on top of my teenage head.

"Shawn? Is that the dog?" Cory yawned as the got out of bed.

"It's a very, cool dog." I whispered gazing at the furry brown terrier. "I see it down the corner. No leash. No collar. He's just having a great time barking at the moon."

Cory rubbed his eyes, "It's a stray, he's barking because he's doesn't have a home."

"He doesn't need a home."

"Yes he does, that's what he's saying." He laughed then howled, "I need a hoomme"

He smiled, "You're not hearing him right. He's happy out there because he's free. No one rubbing his nose in a carpet and saying don't do that."

Cory yawned, "He looks lonely to me and cold, and like he doesn't have a friend in the world."

I got up and opened the window.

Cory jumped, "What are you doing?"

"I gotta get out Cor."

"But we have a curfew"

I growled "I don't do curfews. I don't do bedtimes. I don't do families."

"But my parents…"

"I didn't ask to live here." I yelled.

"What do I say to my parents?"

"Tell them I took my self out for a walk." I smirked as I climbed out the window and down the tree.

I thought I'd just walk around until I got tired then sleep at a park or something. I didn't have plan or any clue. I just walked around town thinking to myself. I thought of the stars, the streetlights, and the people rushing around.

Then I heard someone yelled, "Shawn"

I turned around to see Eddie holding a can of spray paint.

"Hey little bro?"

"I thought you were locked up…"

"Yea I was. But I got out, my own special way of course." He smirked and looked over at the rest of his gang spray painting some building (it was too dark to see what it was).

"So you want to have some fun?" He chuckled waving the can in my face.

"I don't think so" I mumbled walking a few steps away.

"Faggot" Eddie yelled.

I lost my breath. "What?" I almost cried.

Then another voice called me out. I turned around to see Harley.

Eddie smiled, "My good friend Harley here told me that you like dick. What a disgrace you are to the Hunter name."

I felt my throat tighten. I wanted to breakdown and cry. But instead I did what I did best cover up, "That's not true. I'm not a fa...guh" I couldn't say even say it.

"Faggot!" Harley corrected me.

Eddie devilishly chuckled again, "Well you should do response to it."

I slammed my foot against the ground, "That word means nothing to me."

Eddie and Harley turned to each other nodded and smiled.

Harley tossed me a paint can, "prove it"

I didn't feel right about this. "What?"

"We dare you to spray Faggot on that wall." Harley commanded motioning to the guys leaning against the already vandalized building. All of them were now staring at me too.

I felt like darkness was closing in on me. I thought about making a run for it. I was thinking that I should have run back to the light of the Matthews' house.

"If you're not a fag then should have no problem with this." Eddie smirked.

I was once again presented with a choice. The right choice would be to run away back the house and let everybody forget about this. But of course being in my natural environment of darkness and crime I was destined to make the wrong choice. I walked toward the building with the can shaking in my hand. As I held up the can to the wall they chatted "Do it, Do it".

"I'm not" I screamed as sprayed the F in red paint. I sprayed the red paint feeling as if it were my blood.

_As I paint the wall I bleed. For I'm stabbing myself, for what I am. I paint as I try to bleed it out. _

I manage to hold back the tears as I painted the G. The gang was yelling, "Fag, fag."

"I'm not" I screamed over and over again until I crossed the T.

I stared at it. "FAGGOT" is big red letters. "There, y'all happy now?"

Eddie and Harley smiled and nodded impressed, "I guess, we were wrong about you" Harley chuckled.

Then we heard cops coming. Naturally it was now everyman for himself. I dropped the can and ran. I ran like I should have run before. However I wasn't fast enough and the police caught me.

The cop shine his flashed light on my now tear soaked face.

"How old are you?"

"14" I cried.

He bit his lip then whispered, "Come on"

"Am I going to jail?" I inquired.

He smiled, "No, nobody got hurt. And don't think you're the leader, right?"

"No" I said as was climbed into the police car. I started to feel a little better and very relieved.

"Well I still have to tell your parents."

"My parents?"

"Yea, what is your address?"

I panicked so I lied, "Um, my parents are out-of-town…called out of town to…to save a baby…that fell down a blowhole."

I don't know what why I thought of that. I knew form the second it came that only a complete idiot would believe that.

He raised an eyebrow, "Okay? Then are you saying at friend's house or something?"

I knew I couldn't back to Cory's house now. I knew that his parents would give me hell.

"Hello?" the cop snapped.

Then I noticed Turner's apartment was near.

Turner looked annoyed seeing me at his door.

"Hunter, this really isn't a good time."

"You're telling me" I said as the cop stepped up beside me.

"He's a cop"

Turner's face was a mixture of shock and anger.

"Do you know this kid?" The copper asked.

Turner nodded, "Yea, I'm his teacher. Officer, Can you tell me what this is all about?"

The cop told Turner.

"Spray paint?" Turner barked.

"No, we were to sell them to bad kids…and over charge them?" I nervously lied.

The officer rolled his eyes, "He said he staying with you?"

Turner stared at me silent for a minute then finally nodded, "Yea, he is. His folks are out of town."

The cop nodded, "Okay then, Sorry to bother you Mrs. Turner."

Then I saw Ms. Tomkins sitting on his couch, as the officer left.

"Mrs. Turner? Congrats" I laughed walking up to her.

"No, it is still Ms. Tomkins" he mumbled bitterly grabbing her coat and started moving toward the door.

"Good night Cat" Turner said in a sort of a begging tone.

"Good luck John." She sadly wished give him a peck on the cheek before leaving.

I started to leave too until Turner grabbed by my collar.

"Stay" he growled.

"But she got to go"

"Well I got more to say to you"

"Thanks for covering for me. Cory's folk would have freaked if I had showed up with that cop."

"Like this would they yelled you like this?" Turner voice thundered.

I laughed it off, "Yea, that's pretty good"

"Would they have told how stupid you are for being out so late." He yelled again.

"Okay, I get it" I groaned not wanting a lecture.

"I don't think you do." He hollered again.

"Then I'll get out of your way. I though you cool" I yelled back heading toward the door.

"Well I'm not cool when I see someone I care about brought home by cops." He demanded.

I stopped moving, "Look I'm sorry I messed up your night."

"Don't worry about that, I already messed it up" he smirked as he sat down on the couch.

I chucked a little as I sat down to him, "Yea women"

"What do you know about women?" He smirked.

"What do you want to know?" I laughed.

"You think you could help me Hunter?"

"Hey you helped me"

"See why can't you be this sharp in class."

"Math is not my best subject"

"I'm your English teacher"

"Then why are you teaching math?"

"Are you kidding me?"

I nodded and we both laughed.

The next morning Turner drove me to the Matthews. Neither of us really knew what was going to happen. Turner said he would talk to them, and I wanted to see Cory and get my things. Turner made a decision not to tell the Matthews about the cop and I made a decision not to tell to Cory anything about it.

As soon as we got there, Cory and I head off to his room, Cory starting mothering. "Where were you? Do you know worried I was?"

Then I tossed my hair back and Cory giggled, "Sorry Cor"

"That's alright" he giggled again.

I look over at the door, "You know they're talking about me Cor."

He nodded.

"I gotta know what they're saying" I commanded as ran out Cory following me.

"Chet have you found you wife yet" I heard Mrs. Matthews say.

I looked in the kitchen to realize my dad was on speaker phone.

"No but I found the motor home." He said.

"Chet don't you think it's time for to come there and take some responsibly." Mr. Matthews yelled.

"I wish I could but I'm no good without my Virna."

Mr. Matthews put his coffee down, "Chet, Shawn is having a hard time. I don't think it's fair to Shawn or to us to have this open-ended commitment"

Fair to us? I thought. So I am a bother to them. They just only say it behind my back I guessed.

"I know Alan, but the boy needs somebody."

"If you're not coming back, then you need to be the one to tell your son."

"I just did." Dad laughed "If I know my boy when adults are talking about him he's behind them listening."

They finally turned around to face me.

"Hey there son" Dad called out.

"None of you want me." I started to holler "Well that's fine because I don't need any of you. I don't need anybody." I screamed and starting running through the house. I ran to the window and didn't stop. Cory was pleading and telling me to stop, but I climbed out and down. When my feet hit the ground I looked up to see Turner.

"I'm not in class I don't have to listen to you." I sassed.

"Where are you going?" Turner called me out.

"What do you care?" I smirked.

"I was beginning to think I care about anything." He explained.

"Whatever" I mumbled and started to walk away.

"I've been here. Someone reaches out to you. It's easy to run." He screamed.

"Look I'm sure you got a lot of problems, but I just need a place to sleep." I stomped.

He stared at me then smiled, "How about I give you a home?"

"What?" I asked.

"My place" He nodded.

I felt this was too good to be true, "For how long? Three weeks and then get sick of me."

"Oh I'm sick of now Hunter, but I'm still making the offer." He smirked.

"Why?" I mumbled again.

"Because I think I need that" He whispered.

"You are not gotta tell me what to do" I stomped.

"Someone has to" He smirked quickly.

"You're not my dad"

"I'm not trying to be. I'm just offering you a roof and window to climbed out of…though it is five stories up"

We both chuckled then shook hands.

"Oh my god" I heard Cory scream as he fell from the tree.

"That is harder than looks" He said getting back on his feet.

We laughed as Turner left to go talk to the Matthews.

"So you're moving in with Turner?" Cory asked.

"You heard?"

"Well I stuck up there for a while. I had to wait until a squirrel lost interest." He laughed.

"Cory your folks are great but this seems right."

He gave me that cute smile, "I'll have my mom and dad put in a doggie door for you."

I couldn't help to laugh, "Just leave the window your open."

That night I sat by the window my new bedroom at Turner's apartment staring at stars in sky. My dad wasn't coming back. My mom wasn't coming back. And I'm now living with my teacher. There were a lot of mixed emotions. My mind battled if this was a good thing or a bad thing. My dad wasn't there to beat me anymore, yet my mom wasn't there to cover up the scars. Turner was a cool guy, yet he was also a hard ass teacher. My relationship with Cory had growth stronger, yet I was lying to him. I took out my notebook and looked back at the night sky.

_As the stars meets my eyes I start to wonder something._

_Are stars the lights trying to peek through the dark night?_

_Or are stars more like tiny bullet holes though a blacken heart?_

_This an unanswered question, for the stars disappear before we wake._

_And the stars are too far away to ask. _


	15. Chapter 15- Peaches made me horny

"I'm thinking about asking Topanga to be my girlfriend?" Cory bubbled.

It was now the summer. I was actually having a cool time living Turner. I especially loved it when Cory came over. The three of us sat in Turner's living room watching TV and eating pizza. We were having a good time until Cory brought up the subject.

He just had to ruin my night by saying those words. "I'm thinking about asking Topanga to be my girlfriend?"

When I heard that, I dropped my pizza.

Turner chuckled, "Wow Matthews"

Cory nervously shifted his eyes between us. "Do you think I should Mr. Turner? I mean ever since we were two, everybody said that we should get married. And she's nice and smart and pretty and ..."

"You think she's pretty?" I bitterly squeaked.

Cory and Turner both stared at me confused.

"Yea? I do Shawn"

"Hunter? You okay?"

I shook my head, "Cor do you really want to tie yourself down?"

Cory bit his lip, "I kind of want avoid all complicated dating stuff as much as possible. Plus Shawnie you remember how Topanga and I were as kids. We were cute, innocent, and pure...easy"

"So you want to be her?" I asked him.

"I'm supposed to be with her." He murmured as if he was trying to convince himself.

"Well Matthews" Turner smiled, "I think you have a good shot at it."

"Thanks Mr. Turner. So what do you think Shawn?"

I took a gulp of my coke. I didn't know what I was feeling. I didn't know I was thinking. I didn't want Cory to be with her, yet I didn't want Cory to be denied of anything. So I put on my make-up smile. "Sure, go for it man"

He gave me that sweet smile and patted my arm.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

One bright summer morning I walked out of my room half asleep, but I quickly woke up when I saw Turner reading my black notebook. I quickly grabbed it form his hands.

"What are doing with this? How dare you read this? You have no right to go through my things" I yelled.

I was shocked to see Turner smiling, "Sorry Hunter I just saw lying on the table and I just…Hunter, is this you're writing?"

I couldn't believe he read it. All my feelings are in that book, the details of my abuse, the hidden and hated attraction for guys, and the evil person I saw myself as. All my secrets.

"How much did you read?" I yelled siting on the couch waiting for Turner to kick me out.

He sat down next to me, "Hunter…"

"How much did you read? Did you read everything?"

"Hunter clam down. No, I didn't read everything, but I read…"

"I'm sorry" I squealed cutting him off.

He started lightly patting my shoulder "You better be sorry. Sorry that you didn't tell me you were such a good writer."

I lifted my head, "Good? You think I'm good?"

He smiled at me "I think you're great. Hunter your metaphors, your repetition, your imagery of emotion are amazing. That poem about your own nature is remarkable. And that poem about covering up is mind-blowing. And that one about using the five senses to describe one of your dad's drunken nights made my heart sink."

"So you know about my dad?"

Turner nodded, "Alan told me"

I nodded; of course Mr. Matthews would fill him in.

"Hunter, why don't you write like this in class?"

"I don't know" I mumbled.

He moved closer to me and stared into my eyes, "Don't give me that crap. You can be honest with me. I won't tell anybody."

I laid back on the couch and started fidgeting with my fingers, "I'm trailer trash. We ain't supposed to do write and stuff."

"You really think that? You are really going to let that cause you to hide how talented you are?"

"Talented?" My eyes spread wide open. I had never heard anybody call me talented before. "It doesn't even rhyme."

He chuckled, "Listen Hunter, I'm not putting down Dr. Seuss, but poetry doesn't always have to rhyme."

"So you're not going kick me out?"

He shifted his eyes, "No! Of course not!" Then he smiled, "Have you ever been to a poetry slam or a poetry reading?"

I shook my head, "No"

"Well that's something we are going to do, heck we'll do it today. I'll call my friend Elie and we'll go to that coffee shop down the street tonight."

I smiled; I was actually excited about it. Plus he didn't mention any of the "other" poems, so I felt that secret was still safe.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

That night I met Turner's best friend Eile Williams over dinner.

"So you're going to your first poetry slam uh?" He asked me.

I nodded, "So are you guys really into that kind of stuff?"

Eile swallowed a bite, "Well of course, John being an English teacher"

"And Eile being a writer." Turner clinked in.

"You're a writer?" I inquired.

He took a slip of his coke, "Yea but not like a poet. I'm a journalist."

I didn't know a lot about journalist, but I didn't think they were into poetry, "Oh?"

Eile smiled, "But I still love poetry, especially these coffee shop slams, the way they perform, the cool dark atmosphere and the smooth jazz background music."

"Oh, so that's what they're like." I cheered.

"Yup, you'll love it Hunter." Turner agreed.

Turner was right.

We walked into the dim lighted shop hearing the low beating of drums. Elie ordered us three of this thing called a cappuccino. Turner motioned for us to sit on a couch near the wooden stage as held my notebook close to my chest. We watched this girl my age with blue hair dramatically perform a poem about the moon. I pushed a strand of my hair back as she walked off the stage and right up to me.

"Hi" she waved flipping her hair back.

I saw Turner and Eile winking at me.

"Hello" I waved.

"Wow a cute boy that likes poetry" she giggled. "Are you going to read something?"

"Um…" I grasped. "I don't really want to."

She moved closer to me. "Please"

"Um…I don't really do that."

She sat down next to me. "Oh so you're one of those secretive rebel poets?"

"Um…" Then I remembered my 'I'm a bad boy ladies' man' cover up act. So I flashed her smile "yes, I am babe."

"Hunter" Turner tugged on my arm. "You're supposed to be here to explore poetry not girls."

"Come on John" Elie clinked in, "Let him have some fun." He smiled at me, "There is nice spot over there."

I looked back over at her. She was pretty, even with the blue hair, and she seemed very interested in me.

"Do you want to go over there?" I whispered.

"Sure" she giggled.

As we walked over to a dark booth I tried to convince myself that this is what I wanted.

"Our next word painter is Don." The host announced.

This good-looking guy with greasy black hair and his shirt half way buttoned walked on the stage, "I call this the produce section" He spoke in this deep, rough,…sexy voice.

I raised my eyebrow, "the produce section?" I whispered to the girl.

"Oh don't let the tittle fool you. Don writes some steamy stuff." She whispered back staring at my lips.

"Peaches ripped in the sun." Don started.

She moved closer to me.

"Hot and sweet"

I know it's strange, but something about the way said it made me feel a tug on my dick. Then she pressed our noses together.

"Juice wet on your lips."

That was when she started to kiss me. I didn't know what to do, but I didn't want to push her away.

"And you nibbling on the soft flesh." Don said licking his lips.

Seeing him. Hearing him. I felt myself quivering. I started daydreaming about nibbling on him.

He thrust his hips "nibble"

As I stared at him and moved my tongue around in her mouth.

He thrust his hips again "nibble"

I grabbed her waist and she grabbed my neck. I went deeper into the kiss while I still stared at him.

"Nibble" He panted.

We were officially making out and…I found it fun.

"Peaches in the sun" He said as he bowed and walked off the stage.

We released each other "Wow" we both beamed.

She smiled at me, "That was hot"

I nodded. I felt relieved! I made out with girl, and like it. So was I cured? Did she change me?

Then Don walked by and I started waving like creepy shocker at him. Then I realized it. I was kissing her, but I was thinking him. My relief was gone. I was once again confused. Then I remembered what Stacy said about picturing other men while she was kissing her husband.

That's when discovered one of my greatest make-up tools.


	16. Chapter 16- Sea Monkeys

These hormones were driving me crazy. These dreams were getting more intense and harder to figure out.

Cory and I are kissing on Turner's couch. It's soft and slow, yet feels hot and passionate. I pull away. My close my eyes and change him into a girl. I think of the hottest girl I could think of. I think the kind of girls on magazine covers. I think huge breast, a nice butt, pretty face, whatever a 15-year-old boy could want. A half-naked supermodel appears top of me. I force a smile and kiss her. But within five seconds she turn backs to into Cory. Don't matter how many times I change him into her he changes back.

Then I heard Turner's voice boom, "Hey Hunter, get up"

I woke up on my first day of my sophomore year with a goal. I was going to try to make out with as many girls as I could. I was going to try to slack off as much as could. I was going to try to like myself, which meant to become someone else.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

I walked into the school with an overly excited Cory.

"I'm telling you Shawn it's a new year and new me." He cheered "Did you notice the spring in my step? Boxer shorts!"

I laughed, "You wild man"

Then we saw Topanga talking to another girl, "Cor there she is" I pointed.

I turned around to see Cory hiding behind the bust of John Adams. "Cory what is this?"

Cory laughed nervously "John Adams, our second president. The school is named after him"

I rolled my eyes, "I mean why are you hiding?"

He looked over at Topanga, "I'm not hiding it's just that…look at her."

"Well Cor, go up to her and say hi, you've known her all your life."

He mumbled, "But that's not the Topanga I've known."

I had to admit she had gotten kind of hot. That big fuzzy hair was now straighten and neat. That hippie style was now trendy and flinty. However she was still Topanga. "Cor just walk up to her and ask her"

Cory nodded, "Alright I'm going for it."

She smiled when she saw him. She acted just like herself, Cory on the other hand turned to a fool. It was almost painful to see him stumbled on himself. She just stared at him confused. He walked back to me defeated.

"What just happened over there Shawn? When I'm over here with you I'm fine but over there I became…a sea monkey?" he whined.

"That's a bad animal man" I smirked.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%

As we sat down in Turner's classroom, Topanga passed out the first worksheet of the year.

"Okay, Cor if don't do it someone else will. Just ask her out to a movie" I whispered. Half of me was trying to be his wingman, but the other half was annoyed and wanted to get this thing over with.

"Tried and stop me" He laughed as she placed the paper on his desk.

"Topanga…" He called out. She turned around and smiled. "Um…thanks for this" Cory nervously laughed motioning to sheet of paper then he…saluted her. He saluted her! I wish I was joking. Now that was painful to watch.

He turned back to me, with his mouth gaping open. "I saluted her"

"We all saw" I smirked. "Cory just act natural."

"Yea" He nodded, "So Topanga" He called her again. "Friday…what's going on?"

She smiled curiously, "I don't know?"

"Um…I don't know either…okay then" He stumbled then gave her the thumps up. Once again I wish I was joking.

Topanga shifted her eyes and stared at me, her eyes basically saying "help".

I gave her my best "I'm sorry my best friend is a dork" face.

"Hunter"

I turned around to see Turner behind me with a packet of paper. "Hey Hunter, I wanted to tell you about this poetry contest.."

"shh" I cut him off.

"Poetry contest? Why would Shawn want to know about that?" Cory asked with his eyebrow raised.

"I don't" I yelled, "Turner must be out his mind if he thinks that I care about some shitting poetry thing."

Turner stared at me with disappointment and shift his eyes between Cory and me.

"I'm sorry" he smirked throwing his hands up.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

On my way to lurch Topanga grabbed me by the arm. She dragged me into girl's bathroom. The other girls didn't seem to mind me coming in they just went on redoing their make-up. Topanga pushed me on the conch and sat next to me.

"Shawn I have a plan?"

"What?"

"I have a plan to get Cory and me together."

"Okay? What is it?"

"You have to ask me out"

I grasped, "What? I don't want to do that."

"Why? Am I not good enough for you?" she jokingly smirked.

I shook my head, "No, it's not that. I just wouldn't want to that to Cory…wait do you like him or not?"

She nodded and smiled, "I do, I really do…Shawn you know more than anybody that Cory and I are supposed to be together. When we were two…"

"Yea yea Cory said that too." I mumbled.

"Really?" She giggled clapping her hands.

I nodded getting more and more annoyed, "So what this plan you have?"

"Okay, we both know that Cory too afraid to ask me. I figured if we make it seem like I'm going on a date with you that it will make Cory jealous."

"But Cory is going to hate me Topanga"

"Oh come on, he'll be mad at you for like a day, but he'll forgive you. You're 'his Shawnie'…"

I laughed, "Wait, what do you mean by that?"

She laughed too, "Shawn don't you know that Cory can't live without you. He always talks about how proud he is that your his best friend."

"Really?" I giggled clapping my hands.

"Yea," she rolled her eyes, "but anyway if we make Cory jealous I think that will give him the nerve."

"Topanga, I don't know about this."

"Come on Shawn, don't you want Cory to be happy?"

I would have to put a side my selfish desires.

"Okay Topanga"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

I walked into the lurch room to see Cory beating his head on the soda machine.

"Can you get me an orange?" I laughed.

Cory didn't response to the joke, he just frowned. I hated seeing him frown, but I knew that this wasn't a time when I could make him happy.

"Topanga has a date" he groaned, "You warned me this would happen. You said if I didn't make a move someone else would"

"I did" I nodded.

"I wondered who asked her" He smirked.

"I did, I asked Topanga out" I said with my best poker face.

Cory was speechless.

"See ya" I walked out trying to act as normal as I can.

I hated lying to him, but I knew it was something I had to get used to.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Cory wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day, so I went to Cubbies' with Topanga. As we walked in we saw Cory sitting in our special booth with Topanga's best friend Trini.

Cory never really talked to her, so I was shocked.

"Cory is talking to Trini?" I whispered to Topanga as we ordered.

"Yea that's a part of the plan."

"What?"

"Trini is going to trick into him into a date, and he'll do it to get back at us."

"You really have thought a lot about this" I smirked.

She nodded with pride.

We grabbed our burgers and sat in a corner.

"So what I'm I supposed to do on this date?"

She laughed, "Well Cory and Trini are going do to make sure they sit next to us, so that when you do all of your moves."

"My moves?" I questioned as I chewed.

"Oh you know, put your arm around me or stuff a few mints in your mouth. You know, like you were going to kiss me…"

I grasped and bits of hamburger flung out of my mouth, "We gotta kiss?"

She raised her eyebrow in disgust, "No"

I swallowed my food then nodded in agreement.

"I really hope this works Topanga" I half lied.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Topanga and I sat by the door of the movie theater. We both knew that seeing the film was not important. We joined hands and took a deep breath.

"Thank you for doing this Shawn." She whispered.

"It's really nothing" I groaned.

Then came the sounds of the popping of Trini's gum and Cory's fake laugh. The second he saw us he grabbed Trini's hand and pulled her in the seats next to next to us, just like Topanga said.

"Hi Cory" she greeted him.

"Hey Cor" I waved.

Cory ignored the both of us.

As the previews started I put my arm around Topanga. In corner of my eye I saw Cory rolled his hurt little eyes and put his arm around his date.

Topanga noticed it too as she shifted closer to me.

Then I made a big show of shoving tic tats in my mouth.

Cory moved in to kiss Trini, but she blew a big pink bubble right his face. Cory removed the spattered gum from his face and ran out.

"Cory" Naturally I got right up to go after him, and then Topanga tugged at my arm.

"Let me go talk to him" she said as she moved pass me.

I wanted to protest. I wanted to scream out that this all a mistake. I wanted to grab Cory and say I'm sorry and kiss him. But I had to remind myself that would be selfish. That wouldn't mess things up even more.

So I stood there next to Trini and watched them. Frist they yelled a bit. Then they smiled. Then…she kissed him. Cory reaction was slow almost like he was unsure, but the he closed his eyes real tight and lean into it. I crossed my arms and pretend not to care. I knew that this wasn't their first kiss and it wouldn't be their last. I knew that it was coming, but for some reason I still found it hard to watch.

Trini started clapping and pulled both of us toward them. "It's a good thing this all worked out Hunter. I almost had to kiss him."

Cory stared at me confused, "Wait this was a set up?"

I shamefully nodded.

He suddenly put his arms around me. I used all of my brain power not to pull him close to me...because that would be creepy.

Instead I pushed him away and laughed, "now get back in there you see monkey."

I quietly left as Topanga and Cory kissed some more.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

I dropped on to Turner's sofa and took a deep breath.

"Cory and Topanga are now dating." I whispered to myself, "They're my two best friends. They were together when I met them. This is how it's supposed to be. Why aren't I happy for them? I'm a damn sea monkey" I put my hands over my eyes.

"You okay Hunter?" Turner asked as he walked in.

I didn't moved my hands, "Cory and Topanga are now dating"

He grabbed a coke, "I thought you were friends with Miss Lawrence?"

"I am, it's not about Topanga" I shook my head, "I just...I can't explain it."

"Hunter do you..." He started to say. He sat down on the chair next to the couch.

"Um.." he bit his lip, "do you want go the coffee shop tonight?"

I sat up, "No I got a date tonight"

He stared down at his coke then back up at me, "with a girl?"

I raised my head. Why would he ask me that?

I nodded, "Yea..um I somehow got rope into a date with Trini"

He put his hand up and paused. He opened his mouth like want to say something, or ask something.

He finally put his down, "Okay, you guys have fun" he quickly said as he walked to his bedroom.


	17. Chapter 17- I love you

_Hi Jack _

_I know I haven't written to you in a while. So I've been living with my English teacher for several months now. John (that's his name, but I mostly refer to him Turner), isn't that strict, but he makes sure I do at least some of my homework. And I've been going out with every girl could get. But I of course keep my relationships short and painless about a week or two. I pretty much have figured out the perfect routine: discuss gossip and fashion over burgers, a little making out in public, and then a bad boy goodbye. Meanwhile my best friend Cory has been dating his future wife Topanga for like a month. It feels like forever. _

I mailed another letter.

%%%%%%%

"I said I love you. I told Topanga I loved her."

Hearing those words brought back my incurable sickness.

I grasped. I couldn't believe it.

Wait, I could believe it. I could believe that he say it her.

What I felt wasn't shock.

I felt...I felt mad at him because he didn't say it to me.

Cory kept stating over and over that he loved her.

"So did you do after she said that she loved you?"

Cory start fidgeting with his hands "she didn't say it back"

I felt myself smiling, "she didn't!"

Cory frowned confused by my joy "No?"

I whispered to myself, "This is great. It's over"

The bell rang and Turner and Elie walked into the classroom, "Hunter and Matthews stand up" Turner called.

"I didn't do it" I said assuming I was in trouble.

Turner rolled his eyes "Hunter who's your best friend"

I thought it was a trick question, so I replied "You are sir"

Turner rolled his eyes the other way and pointed to Cory, "Matthews who's your best friend?"

Cory smiled, "Shawn is"

"What do we do when people mess with our best friends?"

Cory looked at me then back at Turner, "kill them"

Then Turner told us that Eile was now the school's journalism and media arts teacher. Eile started talking to the class, but I was too focused on Cory.

Cory said that he would kill for me. I couldn't help to feel like that was his way of him saying I love you to me. I felt relieved. I felt important. And for a minute I thought, "what if", "maybe", and "we should". Maybe Topanga didn't love him, she didn't say it. So...? And I could lov…um care for him way better than she could. But I was just thinking out of my ass.

"Hunter" Turner called me, "What did he just say?"

I looked over at Eile, "Um… something about Israel."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Turner was helping me get though a pile of homework when the phone rang.

"I'll get it. You look over those vocab words." He said getting up.

"Calamity, a disaster or tragedy" I read.

"Hello…Chet?"

I quickly dropped the paper and ran to get the phone.

"Dad!"

"Hey son what's you doin?"

"Just some homework"

"That's good…that's really good"

"So did you find mom?"

"No, I'm still lookin."

"Well…do you know when I'll see you next? I really want to see you"

I looked over at Turner. He nodded like he understood.

"I'll go check the mail" he whispered leaving the apartment.

"I don't know son."

"I miss you Dad."

"…um" He went silent for a few seconds. "So how's it goin living with teach?"

I laughed, "Turner pretty cool. But of course when you live with a teacher you can't say your dog ate your homework." My laughing started to get nervous, "I mean we don't even have a dog…not that we don't want a dog, it's just that a dog…"

"I have to go, son" he cut me off.

"What? Come on?" I pleaded.

"Talk to you later son"

"Dad please"

He already hung up.

I pulled the phone off of my ear.

"Calamity, a disaster or tragedy" I repeated. "Use it in a sentence: My whole life is one calamity after another."

The phone rang again.

I picked it up again, "Dad?"

"No it's me, Shawnie"

"Hey Cor"

"Shawnie I got great news! Topanga said it back."

I dropped down on the couch, "What?"

"I went over to Topanga's and she said I love you too."

"Wow that's…" There were so many words I wanted to say but I went with, "that's good"

"Yea, this is a really good thing. Right Shawn?"

"Sure Cor" I smirked.

Turner opened the door with a handful of mail and a shocked face. I could feel that something was up.

"Cor, I'm gotta have to talk to you later." I mumbled before I hung up.

"Hunter, you…um…got mail."

"Who is it from?" My first hope was a reply from Jack.

He handed it to me. "It's from your mom."

My mouth dropped. Part of me was shocked. Part happy. Part angry. But for the most part I was curious.

I ripped the envelope open and read the tear dipped letter.

_Dear Shawn, _

_Honey I'm so sorry. I know what I did was horrible. I can't image what I have put you though. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I couldn't take it anymore. I can't be playing mom anymore. I can't come back. I know you must hate me, and baby I don't blame you. Please know that I didn't leave because of you. You were the brightest part of life. I love you. You'll always be in my in heart. I really wish did it was you and me on the road. But it ain't that simple. There are just some things you can't understand right now. Hopefully someday I'll be able to explain it to you. I honestly think that this could be better us. Maybe now we could be free. Maybe now we can have control of our own lives. I love you. _

I crushed up the paper and threw it down, "Why would she do this to me" I screamed.

I realized Turner was sitting next to me lightly rubbing my back.

"She says she loves me, but I don't believe that shit. 'I love you' is the biggest lie I've ever heard."

"I can see why" He said.

I then notice there was something more in the envelope. My eyes skipped right to the small bottle.

"Oh my god" I cried.

"Hunter, what is that?"

I took it out and race into my room and slammed the Veronica Red lipstick into my nightstand.


	18. Chapter 18- My little Cory

_Dirt_

_Underneath everything is dirt._

_And everything becomes dirt._

_The bed that gave me unwanted dreams is now dirt. _

_The couch that I would silently sit on is now dirt._

_The table that I ate alone at is now dirt._

_The dirt burns my hand as it slips though my fingers. _

I don't know why I thought to hang out and write poetry at the trailer park. I guess just had some desire to stare at the pit of dirt where I once lived.

Then I heard a squeal.

I turned around to see my uncle Sal, passed out drunk.

"Hoink, hoink"

Then I noticed a small pink pig sniffing Sal's wooden leg. The pig looked up and ran straight to me. I started petting him and he squeaked cheerfully.

"Hey pig, how you doin?"

"Hoink, hoink"

I looked around to see one the park's elders.

"Hey" I called out running to him.

He adjusted his glasses, "What are you doi…"

I cut him off, "whose pig is that?" I asked pointing.

He stroked his gray beard, "He was the Wade's pig until they drove off."

"Without him?" I whispered, like the pig could actually hear and understand me.

The old man nodded, "Yup"

I turned back to the pig. I felt myself going back to the same pain I felt on career day. Back to when my mom drove off without me. Then I thought of it. I dreamed up this sitcom about us abandon misfits living together. I felt the pig by my leg. I carefully picked him up.

"You wanta come home with me pig?"

"Hoink" the pig said. I guessed that was pig for "Yes".

%%%%%%%

"Hunter, what is that?" Turner inquired when I entered the apartment holding my new pink friend.

"It's a pig" I replied.

He got up from his chair and smirked, "I know what it's a pig, but was it doing in my home."

I grabbed the pig tighter, "Please?"

"We can't keep a pig." He ordered.

"But he was abandoned by his owners." I begged.

His eyes soften, "he was abandon?"

I sat down still holding on to the pig, "Yea, I found him at the trailer park; his owners drove off without him. They left him. They left him without anybody to take care of him. I can't cast him out. Please John?"

He paused then nodded, "Um…well okay. I see why this is important to you…plus I think a pet would be good for you."

I sat the pig down and got up to hug Turner.

"Thank you. Thank you." I cheered.

He hugged me back and smiled, "Okay. Okay. But he's your responsibly. You're going to be the one taking care of it."

"Yes. I know. Of course. I will. I will. Thank you John."

The pig oinked.

Turner looked over at him, "He seems he likes that plan too. So why don't you call Matthews and tell him?"

"Yea" I nodded walking to the phone. "Cory will love this."

I dialed Cory's number, "Hey Mrs. Matthews, may I speak to Cory?"

"I'm sorry Shawn. Cory is out with Topanga."

"Again" I mumbled. Cory was spending pretty much every second with Topanga. I was doing okay with Cory and Topanga dating, but they were really starting to get under my skin. Though I tried to entertain myself with little dates, I missed hanging out with my best friend.

"I'm sorry" Mrs. Matthews tried to consult; "Can I take a message?"

"No" I slowly signed and hung up.

"You okay Hunter? You look kinda pale?" Turner whispered.

"Cory is out with To-pan-ga" I bitterly smirked.

Turner nodded.

I ran back over to my pig and held him close to my chest. "Of course he is. Topanga is his gi-rl-fri-end." I looked down at the pig, "You wouldn't do that to me. Would you pig?"

He snored in agreement.

"We should properly give you a name, shouldn't we pig?"

"Hoink" he agreed.

I laughed a little and turned to Turner sitting on the couch, "Got any ideas John?"

"Mm…" Turner pushed his hair back, "I don't know? Porky?"

On the outside I laughed, but my mind was still on Cory. "Cory" I whispered.

"What did you say Hunter?"

"I like the name Cory, how about little Cory?"

Turner looked at me worried, "Hunter, are you sure?"

"I wanta name him little Cory" I said defensively "and he's my pig so I should be able to name him whatever I want."

Turner did that thing again. He pointed at me. He opened his mouth. Then sat there like he was he wanted to ask me something. His mouth was open for a few minutes before he finally closed it. "Okay" he nodded.

I turned back to the pig, "What do you think about the name little Cory?"

"Hoink" he cheered.

"That settles it." I agreed. "Come on little Cory lets check out our new room."

"Hunter"

I turned back to Turner, "Yea?"

"Why were you at the trailer park?"

I stood and gathered my thoughts, "Well...I guess I was home sick. I mean I like living here but...that's my first home I guess. Plus I kind of miss the sound of things...you know there's something about those noises help me sleep. That properly sounds freaky to you?"

Turner shook his head, "No, I can see that"

%%%%%%%%%%

Little Cory and I went to school the next morning. There wasn't any rule that I couldn't bring a pig to school . And even if I got in trouble, so what?

I got even more excited when I saw that black curly hair, "Cory do you remember that goldfish I once had?"

He laughed, "Yea, the one named turtle"

"Well…here boy" I called out to the pig.

'Hoink" Little Cory oinked coming up to us.

I looked up at Cor, "What do you think?"

He looked shocked, "Wow, I hate do flush him down the toilet"

"It's a pig Cor"

He nodded, "You know what it is a pig"

"I found him at my old park"

Cory bend down to look into eyes, "…Shawn I see what's going on. You think I'm spending too much time with Topanga and this is your way of saying I could be replaced by a common pig."

I didn't want to give the honor of being right so I rolled my eyes and lied. "Cory this pig has nothing to do with you"

The bell rang.

"Time for class little Cory" I said picking him up.

Cory shot a strange look, "Shawn?"

I faked a laugh, "Hey it was the first name that popped into my head"

Then Topanga appeared.

"Oh he's so adorable" I awed when she saw little Cory. She smiled as she started petting him. "What's your name cutie?"

"His name is little Cory"

Topanga looked over at "her boyfriend" and smirked "I can see that"

She turned back to me, "Where did you get him form?"

"I found him" I replied quickly.

"Well we'll have to find a nice home for little Cory" She said sweetly.

Yea, her voice was sweet, but tasted bitter.

I managed to hold back my anger, and smirked "He already has a home. With me"

"I mean a good home where he can run around" she smirked back.

"He can run around with me" I defended.

"Shawn do you really think you can take of a pig?"

The anger started to appear in my voice a little, "Topanga it sounds like your trying to tell me what to do"

Her voice started to get a little angry too, "well maybe somebody should"

Cory threw his hands up between us, "Guys clam down any way you slice it, it's only a pig."

%%%%%%%%

"Is there a thirsty pig around here?" I said as I was bottle feeding little Cory that afternoon at the apartment. After school I shopped by the pet store and got food, books, and everything I needed to raise a pig.

The door opened and Cory walked in with a small gift bag. "Hey Shawn, how's little Cory doing?"

Despite what happened seeing Cory still made me feel…well warm and tingling. I couldn't say why, but I defiantly knew it wasn't normal. "He's good Cor"

Cory raised the bag, "I got him a gift"

I chucked, "But it's not his birthday until…hell today is his birthday"

Cory took his gift out of the bag. It was something that I honestly have never seen before.

"A squirrel bank?" I wondered.

He shrugged, "I didn't think something where you shove metal into a pig's back would be appealing to him"

I laughed; "cool" Leave it to Cory to always make me laugh. "…oh hey I think I'll be able to hang out with you and Topanga later."

"Are you sure that's a good idea to leave little Cory alone?"

'Yea, it's all in this book I found, what to expect when you're raising a pig." I said handing the book to Cory.

He nodded as flipped though the book, and read "when to tell you pig about bacon"

"Cory, little ears" I said covering my pig's ears.

He chuckled and put the book down, "Anyway about tonight…um Topanga is still a little upset about you about the pig in the apartment"

Why did he have to bring it that up?

"Well this is not of Topanga's business" I smirked.

Cory nodded, "That's what I told her"

"Thank you" I smiled feeling like he was on my side.

Then Cory went on, "Then I said that you would find him a home in a few days"

My smile dropped. I had to take a deep breath, "Why would you do that?"

"Come on face it Shawn who keeps a pig an apartment"

"I do" I snapped, "And you seemed to be okay with that until you talked to gi-rl-fri-end."

Cory put his hand on his forehead, "I don't wanta take anyone's side"

"It sure sounds like you are"

%%%%%%

I took little Cory to Cubbie's. The girls loved him. They crowed around us laughing at his oinks.

Then Cory and Topanga walked in…holding hands.

Topanga immediately made the first attacked, "Look Shawn, I'm not trying to be mean. I just don't think it's fair for a farm animal to be living in an apartment."

She looked over at Cory, "I'm not the only one that feels this way. Right Cory?"

We both stared at Cory.

Cory started playing with his hair, and nervously laughed, "you look great tonight Topanga"

I bit in, "Cor just tell Topanga to back off"

He went on with his nervous laugh "Shawn, you don't look so bad yourself"

The flattery didn't work.

"Cory you didn't answer me" Topanga started to nag again, "Am I right?"

Cory grasped, "You're both right?"

"We can't both be right" I yelled.

He swallowed, "You can't?"

"No" Topanga snapped, "Whose side are you on Cory?"

Cory stood there silent. He played with hand. Shifted his eyes. Bit his lip. Then he turned to Topanga "Well…yours…I guess"

She smiled and put her arms around him, "Well let's go eat somewhere else"

Before she dragged him away Cory mumbled, "Shawnie…I"

"You better go, you don't want to keep the girlfriend waiting"

He quietly turned away and left.

I stood for five minutes. I just needed to process it, before I looked down a little Cory. "Let's go home buddy."

%%%%%%

I laid down on my bed talking to my pig.

"Don't be mad at Cory. He's my best friend…it's just has this girlfriend thing."

"Hoink'

"I know right, this is exactly the reason I don't want a girlfriend."

"Hoink"

"You're right. Topanga is acting like a real bitch"

"Hoink"

"Yea, I know that Cory "loves" her. But I didn't think he would choose her over me."

"Hoink"

"Yea you're right. Cory is…is growing up…and dating girls."


	19. Chapter 19- Pigs and Women uh?

"_You don't see that I think about you in the dark._

_You don't see that I would let you do anything to me._

_Kiss me_

_Touch me_

_Even hurt me_

_You don't see that you have so much control over my body._"

I put down the pencil and looked over at little Cory. "cheesy huh?"

"Hoink"

Little Cory and I were eating in the lurch room.

Cory walked in and sat next to us, "Shawn we need to talk"

I quickly closed the notebook and gave him the cold shoulder, "I'm with someone"

He nodded and waved at little Cory, "Of course you are. Hey there how you doing? Meet any other pigs?"

I knew that he was trying to make a joke, but I just wanted to ice him out. "We don't get it" I said coldly.

"I know this is my fault. I'm sorry" He said "but it's only a pig"

"It's only a pig to you and Topanga, but not to me." I roared "he was abandoned Cor. His owners just drove off without him…"

Cory's mouth opened a little. He stared at me nodding, "I see"

Then he smiled at me. He smiled at me. Damn it if he knew what his smile dose to me. Why am I so weak to his smile?

"You know I can't be mad at you." I said. "You took your girlfriend's side, I'd have would have done the same" I lied.

Cory chuckled, "Pigs and Women uh?"

I chucked too. "Yea, they both will break your heart"

%%%%%%

Cory spent day nagging me about Topanga.

"Invited Topanga over"

"Why?" I smirked as I was bathing little Cory.

"So she could see how much the pig means to you"

"No" I rode it off. I didn't want any more of Topanga's judgment.

"Come on I'm your friend" He pleaded.

"Well Topanga's not" I know that sounds harsh. I knew that Topanga was my closest female friend, but I wasn't exactly feeling that in that time.

Cory then looked at me with those brown eyes, "Please? For me?"

I nodded as we hear a knock. Cory opened the door for Topanga.

"Okay Cory said you were going to prove why this is a good home for the pig" She explained.

I went on the defense, "I don't I have to prove anything to you"

Cory jumped in "Topanga, Shawn is one heck of a parent just before you came he was bathing little Cory in that…empty tub"

I frantically started looking the apartment, "He's gone"

Cory pointed at the open door, "There's you answer, he walked out"

"Topanga you left the door opened" I yelled.

"Well that's happens when a pig lives in the city" she hit back.

"I'm going out to look for him" I stated.

Then Turner walked in carrying little Cory, "I found him outside" He handed him over to me, "Hunter this pig has been nothing but trouble"

Topanga nodded, "Now I know I did the right thing"

"What?" I yelled.

"I called animal control. I told them there was a pig that need a good home." She commented.

"You did what?" Cory, yea that's right Cory yelled at her.

I held my pig close and moved into the doorway. "We are out of here. Are you coming Cor?"

Cory nodded, "Yea, let's go"

Topanga grabbed his hand and begged "Cory"

Cory pulled his hand away, "Topanga that just wasn't right"

He place a hand on little Cory "Come on Shawn, we got some pig hiding to do"

%%%%%%

We went to Cory's house.

We hid the pig upstairs. Then sat down on the living room couch together nervous yet proud.

"Isn't hiding the pig at your house too obvious?" I hypothesized.

I placed his hand on my knee, "No hiding the pig at old Mcdould's house would be too obvious" He chuckled.

I couldn't help to laugh too. "Thanks by the way"

He moved closer to me, "Oh Shawnie you know I'll always be there for you."

"I know, I know" I chucked as my hand fell on Cory's thigh.

"Plus I don't think Topanga really called animal control." He implied as he moved his hand up my leg.

"Really?"

"Shawnie, Topanga wouldn't do anything bad to you. She thinks of you as a good friend"

"Yea Sure"

Then we both noticed it. Our hands were rubbing up and down each other thighs.

We both saw it, but neither of us stopped. Instead our hands moved faster. The heat from friction was amazing. Cory threw his head back and took a deep breath mumbling something I couldn't hear.

"Cor?"

He looked back at me. We just stared each other and continued sliding our hands.

I felt him leaning closer to me when…

"Shawn, Mr. Turner is on the phone" Mrs. Matthews chimed in as she walked into the room.

"So how about that football game?" Cory chuckled as he quickly removed his hand from my thigh. I did the same.

I turned to Cory's mom, "Thanks" I got up and walked to the kitchen phone.

"What's up John?"

"Hunter, I called animal control."

"You did?"

"Yea, I told them that I owned the pig, and everything is fine."

"Really?"

"Yea, so get the pig and come home for dinner."

"Okay" I said before hanging up.

I walked back into living room and called for little Cory.

"So?" Cory asked.

I didn't turn to face him.

"Turner called animal control. He fixed everything."

"That's great Shawn"

Little Cory crawled down the stairs and into my arms.

Cory walked up behind me, "Do you and little Cory want to stay for dinner?"

"No, John made food."

%%%%%%%%

Turner and I sat at the table eating our oven baked chicken.

"Okay John, I have to ask you something."

"Shoot"

"Why did you let me keep little Cory?"

He took a sip of his coke and smiled, "You know Hunter you have a lot of hate in you. A lot of anger. A lot of sadness. And after what you've been though nobody can blame you."

I raised my eyebrows. What was he getting at?

"But at the same time, I see a lot of love in you."

"Love? In me?"

He nodded, "Hunter you're a pain in the ass sometimes. But you're also sensitive, caring, and loyal. I just see that you have all this love inside you yet nothing to put it on."

"You really think at?"

He nodded, "There is a lot good inside of you. So when I saw you taking care of that pig, when I saw how much you needed it. I couldn't take that away from you."

"Thanks John…for everything"

His smiled got wider, "By the way, I got something for you."

He walked over to his briefcase on the couch and took out a small tape. Then he handed it to me.

"Sounds of the Trailer Park." It read.

We both laughed.

"You said that you sleep better with all noise, so when I saw this I had to get it."

I thanked him and went to my room. I played the tape and heard bugs, trucks, and people yelling at each other. Yup, it was the real thing. As I listened to a couple threatening each other I took out the shoe box from under the bed. I sat on my bed with it and picked up some of the letters…form my mom. She was sending me letters almost every day. But they just repeated the same things, same lies.

"I'm sorry"

"I couldn't do anymore"

"I hope you'll understand someday"

"This is better for us"

And…

"I love you"

Little Cory hopped into my lap.

"Hoink" he said before he started giving me "little kisses". It was fun, but I wished it was big Cory instead.


	20. Chapter 20- Boobs and Brothers

**Warning: sexual references. **

**Most of this chapter is a twist of "The Pink Flamingo Kid"**

I was in the back room at Cubbie's making out with Mario Lopez…in my head. In reality it was Amber Cross. I had just mastered being able to kiss girls…but there was more. Amber was one those "fast" girls that wore slutty clothes and "did more than kissing". I realized what that meant when Amber started rubbing her hand against my crotch. I didn't know what to do…and it wasn't really a "bad" feeling, so I did nothing. The real problem was when she grabbed my hand and placed it one of her boobs. My mind was freaking out, but I couldn't runaway that would look worst. So I…this is going to sound real creepy…I tried to pretend it was a hot guy's ass. I shut my eyes even tighter and started lightly squeezing it.

Amber pulled back from the kiss, "this is so hot'

I faked laughed, "Yea" I nodded, and "This is good"

She started kissing me again while she unbuttoned and unzipped my pants. Then she grabbed my hand again and placed it not just under her shirt but under her bra.

Guy's butts don't have nipples. So that plan…was gone.

It felt so weird touching her boob. It was squishy and sweaty (and not in that hot sexy way). So…I just held it, while Amber continued to give me a hand job.

This wasn't going to be the last time.

%%%%

"I think you should enter"

"I don't know John" I took a sip of orange juice, "A poetry contest? Really?"

He put down his coffee cup, "Yea, really. There's a nice cash prize, and you can win a new computer. Plus a sense of accomplishment."

"Like I would actually win"

"I think you could. I think its at least worth entering."

I just lowered my head.

"Hunter, I really think we should go through your book and enter something."

I shot him a dirty look, "Don't you dare touch my book again." I threatened.

He nodded, "I'm not going to look at it without your consent. But I would be more than happy to help you fix those little spelling and grammar mistakes. And I could help you with some of that awkward wording and expanded some that vocabulary. Come on…at least think about it."

I put my hand to forehead and pushed back some of my hair. "I'll think about it"

Then the phone rang. Yup every 23 days, it's dad. I ran to the phone and cheered, "Hi dad"

"Hey son"

There was a knock on the door. Turner got up and got it.

"So dad how are you gotta celebrate you birthday?"

"I'm gotta play the ponies with my friend Bill Clinton."

"Oh that's great…so are you coming home soon?"

I turned around to see Cory holding a video camera. I gave him a nod and a waved then went back to my conversation.

"I don't think so son"

"That's okay dad, I understand" I lied it was not okay.

"I gotta go boy"

"What?"

"Bill needs to call a lady friend of his"

"Oh the president needs the phone. Okay well…hello?"

He already hung up.

"You really miss him uh?" Cory asked.

I sat on the couch and smirked, "Well family is really important to the Hunters. My dad always said, where there's family there's a place to hide."

Cory sat down next to me, "Did he say when he was coming to see you?"

I shook my head, "No, but he said that he can't wait to. I would like for him to see how I'm doing."

"Well maybe he can" Turner hinted.

I stared at him, "What?"

He explained, "Matthews has a camera. You can make a tape of yourself."

"Yea Shawn, we can go to your old trailer park and talk to some of your family. And I'll tape it." Cory urged.

"The Hunter family on tape…" That was scary thought. I knew that this would not be good. But Cory and Turner already looked excited about it; Cory was even doing that cute excited face. And it would be a fun for my dad's birthday so… "It'll be great."

I agreed to it.

%%%%

"We'll start with my uncle Mike. Out of all my relatives he's the friendliest."

I knocked on my uncle's trailer.

"Get lost" A voice screamed.

"Maybe we shouldn't bother your uncle." Cory whispered.

"No, that's my aunt." I smirked.

I knocked on the trailer door again, "Uncle Mike"

"Go away" He hollered.

Oh how could forget. The people in my family lived in fear of getting picked up by cops. They wouldn't open their doors that easily.

"It's Shawn your nephew"

He opened the door "Shawn" he greeted. Then looked over at Cory filming.

"What's with the camera?" He went on the attack. "You trying to set me up?"

"No, No" I reassured him, "You do remember that video thing I wrote you about. This is friend Cory"

"Hi" Cory nervously waved.

Mike towered over him, "Whata do you know?"

"Nothing, I know nothing" Cory shook.

"Thanks Mike, I'm glad you doing this" I cheered turning the attention from Cory. "Well why don't call everyone together and we'll get started."

"Hunter's out now" Mike called out.

"We didn't do it" voices cried out.

Mike and I started laughing "That's our family motto"

%%%%%%

We were having fun filming Uncle Mike, Uncle Mary, Grandma, and some others. The family seemed to like Cory. Nobody tried to stab him. Nobody tried to offer him "a great deal". And only two tried to steal his wallet.

Cory turned the camera off and thanked everyone. He put his hand on my shoulder. "So is there anyone else we need to talk you"

"Nop" I replied.

Then I heard a crude voice, "Lookie here it's Shawn"

I knew exactly who it was. It was the person I wanted to avoid more than anything. But it was too late to hide, so I turned around and smirked, "Hey Eddie"

I moved in front of Cory, hoping to that Eddie wouldn't see him. Eddie was another secret I thought would be better kept.

Eddie spit out his tobacco, "So you gotta move back or something?"

I quickly shook head "No, I'm happy where I am"

He started to step closer to me, "Oh yea, in the suburbs with their fancy homes built into the ground." Then he noticed Cory, "Hey pen pen"

Cory grabbed my shoulder, "me?"

"You got a name?"

Cor swallowed, "…Cory"

Eddie then turned to the tripod, "nice camera" he smirked, "What's you doin with it?"

Cory grabbed it.

I shielded Cory again, "Just a little tape of the family"

"And you didn't ask me do be in it?"

Cory whispered in my ear, "Shawn, I have space on the tape if…"

'No." I silenced him. I didn't want Cory to have anything to with Eddie.

"So you would do that do your big brother?" Eddie smudged.

"Eddie I'm not bothering anybody, so just get lost."

He got close to my face and whispered, "No. See I lived here and you faggots don't, so you and your boyfriend should get lost"

I can't believe he said that. And he said it right in front of Cory. My blood went cold. My mind started shaking.

But I puffed up and I stepped up to his face and whispered back, "he's not boyfriend because I'm not a fucking fag, for the last time"

"What?" Cory bit in. "Shawn what are you guys talking about?"

"Don't pay any attention to him." I grabbed Cory's arm and pulled both of us out of there.

"Shawn" Cory kept repeating as I dragged him.

It wasn't until we got in front of Cory's house that I finally responded, "What?"

He noticed the shaking in my voice. "Shawn, are you okay? What just happened back there? You have a brother? Shawn I've known you your whole life and I never heard of a brother."

"Half-brother" I corrected, and then I took a breath. "Sorry, he's just not worth talking about. Listen Cor, Eddie is full of shit. I'm really tired. Good night Cory"

%%%

The next day of school I walked up to Cory's locker, acting like nothing happened. But Cory didn't want to play that game.

"Shawn, Can you please tell me what's wrong?" He demanded.

I rolled my eyes, "About last night? Look I'm sorry"

"Why were you acting like that?" He asked.

"It just happened" I smirked.

He threw his hands up, "Shawn, you just dragged me out of there. And now you won't tell me why"

"I was doing you a favor. Nothing is wrong Cor" I said. I didn't want to fight him, so I tried to walk away.

Then Cory grabbed my arm. "I don't think so."

"Shut up and let go me" I mumbled.

He yelled, "Why are you acting like this?"

"I said let go of me" I roared back.

"Fine" He smirked dropping my arm, "let's see what you got"

"Cory let's not…"

Then he shoved me.

I in return tackled him, ignoring the whole "touching bodies" thing. I didn't realize that Cory had gotten so strong until he slammed me against the lockers. I tried pulling his hair and pushing on his shoulders, but oh wow. My back hit the tile floor. Cory's body was on top of mine.

I felt this inner conflict burning inside of me. I wanted to win the fight, yet I kind of...sort of…liked being…under him. I try to push him off. Cory and I used to play wrestle when we kids, but…things were different. For one there was no longer a major height difference. And two…my waist was in between his legs…and well "other things" were growing.

Then I suddenly felt his weight being lifted off of me. Then my own body was being pulled off the ground. I realized Eile was holding my arms. I looked over to see Turner holding Cory's.

"Hunter" Turner yelled, "Matthews".

"Did you guys know you fighting each other?" Elie asked.

I pushed him off. "I'm out for here" I tried to walk away, but Turner grabbed me by the collar. "We need to go talk"

%%%

I sat on top of the desk where Topanga sat in class while Turner graded his papers.

"So you have an older brother?"

"Half-brother" I corrected, "And I have two and one half sister…my dad apparently doesn't know how to use to condom."

"That's a bit harsh Hunter"

I nodded, "I know it's just…" I threw my hands up, "Eddie just makes me so angry, that I hate thinking about us being related."

"Why he does he make you so mad?"

I leaned back, "well…he's a criminal…but the thing with that is he's the kind of criminal that thinks everybody else around him has to be criminal…like there is no free will in it. Do you get what I mean?"

Turner nodded.

"And last night he called Cory and I something and I just…"

"What did he call you?"

"Um…" I lowered my head. I didn't want to mention the word; I knew well enough that would it lead to some questions that I didn't want to answer. "Um…he was just making fun of us for living in the suburbs and stuff."

He nodded, "Oh"

"I'm…I'm scared might end up that John."

"Really?"

I nodded, "He always says that 'I'm trying to be better than him' and…"I put my hands on my forehead.

"Hunter?"

"The truth is…is that it's true. I wanted to be better than him." I pushed back my hair, "I…I…" I took out my black notebook and took the two steps toward Turner's desk.

"Which poem do you think should I enter?"


	21. Chapter 21- Disgusted

**Note: This chapter maybe a little different and I hope yall like it. **

**This one has SEX, and it's supposed to be an awkward,creepy, badly written sex scene. (And you'll see why) **

**And if your mad at Shawn at the end, that's reasonable. **

**I hope you understand what's between Topanga and Cory this chapter (first hint) **

**Hope yall enjoy. **

I was making out with Brad Pitt. Okay no it was Dana Pruitt.

Dana was nice and sweet. She was a great girl. And she wasn't a "fast" girl like the others. I thought she would be a perfect cover up. I also thought dating a nice girl meant I wouldn't have to deal with touching boobs or anything.

But it was that night that her parents weren't home on her couch that she shocked me.

"Let's go upstairs" She whispered.

I didn't like the sound of that. I knew what meant, but I wasn't sure what say about. "What? Why?"

"So we can you know…do it…like have sex."

I swallowed, "Dana…that doesn't sound like you."

"I know. But I really like you Shawn."

"Well I like you too, but…"

"Come on Shawn, I keep hearing about this sex thing…people talk about it like it's some great big secret. I just want to know what it feels like. Don't you?"

I nodded. She was right. Sex felt like a big secret. Adults talked about it as if were murder. Girls talked about it as if that it was juicy gossip. Guys talked about it as if were to make you man. I know some of you think that 15 is too young. But in my reality it wasn't. Growing up it felt like every guy starting going after it the minute they discovered it. I would hear guys brag about doing it at school almost every day. Honestly the more I heard the more it sounded like sex was less about fucking girls and more impressing guys.

I was so confused about it.

Dana grabbed me by the hand, and dragged me up-stairs.

"Wait, we can't" I yelled out as we sat her bed.

"Why?" I examined pulling off her top, "You don't want me?" She pulled her knees to her chest and frowned.

I wanted to do the right thing and be honest with her. She deserved to have her first time with a guy way better than me but…

"It's because I'm too flat chested uh?" she started to cried.

I hated hearing someone feel undesirable.

"No, no" I reassured her putting my hands on her knees, "your chest is fine. It's more than fine it's amazing."

"Is it because I'm little fat?"

"No, no. Dana you're not fat at all."

"Is it because I'm not as pretty as the other girls?"

"No, no. Dana you're totally hot and beautiful and I would love to do it with you but…"

"But why?"

I wanted her to stop crying, yet give a reasonable excuse. "Um…it's just that…" Then I had a thought, "we don't have any protection"

She tilted her head, "Oh I thought guys carried around condoms all the time."

She wasn't wrong. A lot guys kept one or two in their wallet or something.

I nervously laughed, "Well I accidentally left them in my other pants."

She nodded, "Okay, then I'll just get one from my brother's room." She got up and left the bedroom.

I started taking deep breaths.

"Oh Shit. What is wrong with me?"

I pushed my hair back. "Okay. Okay. Maybe I can do this, come sex can't be that hard…and maybe after seeing a girl all naked and stuff I'll like it. Okay…just act cool"

Dana walked back in holding up a square piece of foil with an ugly off white circle in the middle.

She handed it to me, "Here you go"

"Mm… thanks. Do you mind if I go…put it on in the bathroom?"

She nodded, "Okay, I'll be here waiting"

I tried to act my coolest as I walk out. I started freaking out in the bathroom. I had never put a condom on before and wasn't really sure how. Frist I couldn't open it. I had to bite down and rip it (I think I hurt my teeth). I looked at the pencil size condom and thought how in the hell am I going to put my dick in this thing. I kind of stench it out as far as I could. I inhaled and placed my foreskin in the rubber. Then I lost my balance and fell. I wondered if it was too late to run. I wanted to just go back in time and undo all this. I had calmed myself down by the time I pulled it over my balls…then. Then I let it go.

It snapped.

"Ow" I screamed.

"Shawn, are you okay?" Dana called out.

"I'm fine…I'm just getting in the zone."

I looked in the mirror. I took a deep breath, "This is good. This is what I want."

I repeated those words over and over until could semi believe in them. Pushed my hair back. Pulled up my pants. And walk back to the bedroom.

Now if you think I'm about to describe some horror movie scene your wrong.

I opened the door to see Dana her bra and under where. She nervously shifted positions in her bed. She laid on her stomach and tried to look seductive. Then she shook her head no. Then she laid on her back with her legs open. She shook her head again and sat up with her legs crossed. I couldn't see she was having the same feelings I was. Fear. Worry. Unsure. Lost.

I also couldn't help to notice the irony of the color white. White, the color of purity. The color of Dana's under where. The color of her sheets. The color of the condom I was wearing.

"Oh Shawn" she noticed me.

I waved and walk to the bed. "So you already took your clothes off."

"Oh I'm sorry" she squeaked, "Were you supposed to be the one doing that? I'm sorry, I don't know exactly how this works."

"No, no that's fine…should I take mine off?"

She nodded, "Yea, I think that is what you're supposed to do next."

I sat down on the bed while I pulled off my black under shirt. I shut my eyes tight to stop any tears that might come as my pulled my pants down to the floor. "So…what's next?"

"Well in the movies, people start with kissing."

I nodded and kissed her. This kiss felt the most awkward, I guess because we both knew what was going to happen. She laid herself down and I was on top of her.

"Do I need to take off my bra too?"

"No, you don't have to."

I helped her slide her panties off, "Okay let…um do this." I moved down her body.

I think I almost threw up. To me her vagina looked some monster plant thing.

"Shawn is everything okay?"

"Yea...I was just admiring you."

I should have stopped right there. That would've been the right choice. But instead I grabbed my dick and tried to put in it.

"Shawn" Dana squealed.

"What?" I was hoping she would say to stop.

"Moved it a little higher"

I shifted it and slid into the opening. I freaked out and fell on her.

"Oh" Dana squeaked.

"Did I hurt you?"

"No"

I looked down. It was in. "Okay"

So I started "thrusting" my hips. This didn't feel right. Being on top of her. Being inside her. Looking at her. None of it felt right. There wasn't any heat or anything people said there would be.

I just kept doing it. My mind trying to figure out what to do. What to think. What to touch. I just shut eyes and kept going. Praying that I started to feel something.

It was quiet expect for Dana's moaning. I wished I was able to moan in pleasure like that. It felt like it dragged on for forever.

"Dana, were home."

Dana pushed me off, "It's my parents."

"Dana, are you in bed?" a woman's voice called out.

"Shawn, get your clothes on now."

I wasn't going to disagree with that. We quickly put our clothes on. I just felt so relieved that it was over.

"Shawn, hurry." She sniffed opening her bedroom window.

I started to hear footsteps, "I'm coming up Angel" a man's voice spoke.

I hopped out that window grabbed the drain pipe slid down it. I didn't start breathing again until I was on the grass.

I laid there for a minute with my pants unzipped and took of the dry condom.

My first thought was to run Cory's house.

%%%%

I walked into his living room to see something that was confusing yet fucking funny.

Cory and Topanga were on the couch with green stuff on their faces painting Topanga nails.

"Come on, Debbie go after him." Topanga screamed at TV.

"You know David is your soul mate." Cory cried out too.

"Hey Cor" I waved.

"Hey Shawnie" he cheered.

"Hi Shawn" Topanga smiled.

I rolled my eyes, "Hi Topanga"

I went over and sat on the couch leg next to him, "Hey Cor can we go talk for second…alone?"

He nodded, "Sure let's go to my room."

I started walking to the stairs with him following me. But couldn't help to notice my best friend was walking like a penguin.

"Okay why are you walking like that?"

"Because my toes aren't dry yet." He replied pointing to his feet.

I looked down, "Oh they sparkle"

"Yea, it's called wonderland. Topanga suggested it" Then he sort of giggled, "You like it?"

I nodded, "it looks fabulous."

%%%%

When we got to his room I laid down on his bed, "You would not believe what happened tonight."

Cory laid down next to me, "Did something happened with Dana?"

I wasn't going to tell him everything, but I had to share something, "Yea…I slept with her."

"Slept with her? As in?"

"Sex"

He grasped, "Sex?"

I nodded.

"Wow" he muttered "How?"

"What do you mean how?"

"I mean like…I don't know. So…how was it?"

I took a breath. "Can I tell you the truth?"

"Best friends never lie to each other."

That the biggest lie of all. How ironic.

"Well I had to put a condom on"

His mouth dropped, "Wow, I don't even know to put one on."

"I didn't either, but I…um figured it out."

"Dose it hurt?"

"Oh yea"

"Ouch…so…was it like good? The sex?"

I didn't want to answer that question. "It…I don't know. It was okay I guess."

"Wow Shawn…so what is going to happen to you and Dana?"

"I don't know. I didn't think about that yet."

"Do you love her?"

"No" I quickly smirked.

Cory tried to turn his head. But he ended up spreading some of that green stuff on my face.

I sat up and wiped it off, "What is this?"

"Avocado, it's not bad but it could use some salt and pepper."

I laughed. That's my Cory.

"I'm serious" he remarked. He wiped some on his fingers, "Come on, taste it"

"I don't want to" I chuckled.

Cory kept trying to stick his fingers in my face, "oh come on"

I kept on laughing and dodging them.

Cory playfully pulled me down to on the bed. We just went on housing around. It was silly, crazy, and it made no sense…and it felt perfect.

Then I felt his fingers being shoved into my mouth. My tongue naturally wrapped itself around them. I can't describe it but there was suddenly this taste in my mouth. Breathless feeling in my lungs. Heat source in my stomach. I didn't know why…until I realized it. I realized that I was licking Cory's fingers. I pulled them out of my mouth and jumped to my feet.

"Um…you're right…it could use some salt."

I turned back to look at him. He didn't move at all. He just paused in the same position with a blank stare mumbling under his breath.

"Hey Cor…I've had a rough night, so I'm gotta go." I said opening his window.

"Okay Shawn." He nodded getting up from his bed, "I should probably get back to Topanga anyway…Good night"

%%%%%

On the walk home it hit me. I realized I had that those few seconds sucking Cory's fingers gave me more of a high than that whole night with Dana. I was still processing my first time having sex. I couldn't believe I did that. I begged my body to feel something…but I just felt disgusted.

But I felt disgusted.

Disgusted by her.

Disgusted by myself.

And with that thought tears started coming. Tears started coming down my cheeks as walked into the apartment.

"Hunter?" Turner worried, "You okay?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I argued running into my room. I dropped on my bed trying to steady my breath.

"Hunter, what's wrong?" Turner sat down next to me.

"I don't want to talk about it"

Turner put his hand on shoulder, "Is it about school?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Is about you parents?"

I huffed.

"Is it about girls?"

I swallowed.

"Okay girls…did something happen with Dana?"

My breathing increased.

"Hunter, please tell me." He took a breath, "Okay there is something I've wanting to talk to you about. I haven't asked you this about because I know it's hard for guys to talk about sexuality."

I didn't like where this was going. I rolled over to my back, "What?"

"Hunter, are you…do you feel like…" Then he spit it out, "Are you gay?"

My heart just tightened. My lungs just popped. My brain just fuzzed.

I never heard that term being used before. Growing up I heard every other slur. Faggot. Girly boy. Pussy. Cocksucker. But never the word gay.

"Shawn, I know that it maybe hard to talk about, but…"

"Shut the fuck up" I snapped. I got up and ran to the door.

Turner got there first and blocked me. "Hunter, lets at least talk a little. Please there's nothing wrong being gay…it's that in your writing…the way you act with Matthews…and it just feels like your hiding this big part of you."

I swallowed, "I had sex with Dana tonight."

He sat down on the leg of chair, "Oh…um…wait were you safe?"

I nodded, "Yea" I sat down on the couch. "John"

"Yes"

"What dose…um that word you used…um..."

"Gay?"

I nodded, "Yea, what does being gay really mean?"

"Well despite all the shit people say about, being a homosexual just means that you feel sexuality attracted to the same gender… Hunter, do you feel like your sexuality attracted to boys?"

I sat there with my head down. Part of me wanted to released myself and tell him about my dreams, what happened tonight, and how I picture boys while I'm kissing girls. Then I thought what am I thinking? Why would I say that? Why do I hate myself so much?

"No I don't" I finally stated. I put on my make-up, "I just screwed Dana Pruitt. I got one of the nicest girls in school in bed. What homo can do that?"

I got up and starting walking to my room.

"Does that make you happy Hunter? Are you proud of that?" He yelled.

"Fuck yea" I bit back.

"By the way Hunter, your poem won"

I heard him clearly. But I chose to ignore him. I couldn't have won. I couldn't give myself that credit.

Too I was too disgusted with myself.

**Note:**

**Please review! I'll listen to any critics. **


	22. Chapter 22- Removing Make-up

_Hey Jack its Shawn, _

_I am now in the 11__th__ grade. I've lived with John for over a year. John and I are doing well… there are just some topics that we avoid. Cory is still dating Topanga, in fact they're planning their wedding…so that's going on. I've been dating a lot too…but um…nobody special. Okay, I've actually become a playboy, but it's just hit and runs. I've had sex with…multiple girls by now… the girls seem to think I'm good at you know the sex stuff. But just out of curiously… how pleasurable is sex supposed to be? I mean I keep sleeping with these girls so…never mind. So how are you? _

I was checking myself out in my locker mirror. When I saw some guy wearing glasses staring at me. He was too far away for me to recognize him, yet he was close enough for us to watch each other. He just stood with his books staring at me. It was like he knew something about me…or the thing about me. He wasn't hurting anybody so I didn't push it.

"Okay, you're perfect" Cory whined. "Now can we get out of the hallway where people can see me?"

"Hold on a minute" I smirked moving some stands of hair into my face.

Cory grabbed my head and started messing with my hair.

I looked back at the mirror and nodded, "This works too."

Cory started angrily trying to run his fingers though his rough hair.

I pulled his hands down, "Cory come on you'll cut your fingers." It was meant to be a joke.

"I know I'm over reacting." He panicked, "It's just between you and Eric I'm surrounded by people with perfect hair."

Well he is right. I do have amazing hair.

Then of course Topanga walks with her long beautiful blonde locks, "What are you guys talking about?"

Cory shook his head, "It's nothing I'm just a little insecure about my looks right now. I'm sure it will past"

"Oh come Cory looks don't matter" she sugar-coated.

"Well that's easy for you to say your gorgeous" Cory smirked.

Topanga just smiled and shook her head, "I know that you loved me because of who I am inside. The only reason you think I'm good-looking is because you care about me. I know I don't matter what I looked like…"

"Well you don't have a giant nose and hair looks like brillo pad." Cory sassed.

Then Topanga took out a pair of scissors. She chopped off half of a stand of hair and handed it to Cory. "Am I still the same person?"

And she kept going. Cutting off random parts of her making it terribly uneven. I was shocked. Sure I knew Topanga was passionate about her nature beauty lessons…but watching those shiny locks fall was still shocked. She almost walked proudly away until saw herself in my locker mirror.

"She's gotta scream now." I smirked.

And then she screamed.

%%%%%

The next day Topanga…well Topanga wasn't Topanga. Her hair was nicely even out. But the shoulder length hair wasn't the most shocking thing. Topanga was also wearing make-up. Make-up. Topanga being the free-spirited hippie child never wore make-up before. The Topanga I knew I always said that make-up was a part a communalism industry to make people focus too much to their appearance…or something like that. But that day Topanga wasn't really Topanga. She was concisely checking herself out in her compact mirror, flipping her hair around, and applying more make-up.

"I can't believe this" Cory groaned dropping his head on my desk. "Now I'm even more insecure. Topanga was already getting hit on, but just look."

I looked over at the pack of guys gathered around her and I also saw Topanga flirting back. I started lightly patting Cory's head.

"I come from good-looking family. Why am I so ugly?"

"You're not Cor. You're not."

%%%%

Libby Thompson was giving me a blow job in the girl's bathroom. She wasn't doing a bad job, but I was distracted. I heard the open and saw Topanga's new navy heels.

"Hey Libby, thanks a lot but I have to go talk to someone."

She nodded and put my dick back in my jeans. "Call me" she whispered before she opened the stall and walked out.

Topanga shot me a dirty look. "You can't make it a habit to be in here."

I brushed off the remark, and switched into consulter mode, "Okay here's how I see it. I grew up with these two people and as I understand it one of them is a good-looking guy who is going through a shaking time right now."

She stopped messing with hair to stare at me, "Where's Cory?"

"That's not as important as where you are Topanga." I put my head against the wall, "In all time that I've known you I can't remember you ever looking in a mirror. You just had this confidence about you and I liked that."

She rolled her eyes, "Come on Shawn, everybody has a mirror in their locker and checks each other, and only cares about they look."

"You never did." I spoke "But then you world got rocked when hacked your hair off and became less than perfect for two seconds. Plus you're Topanga, you don't care what other people do."

She stared at herself in the mirror again, "This isn't me isn't Shawn?"

"Not the Topanga I know"

She turned on the sink. She wet her hair and face then flipped it into my face. She turned around smiling with black and purple lines running down her face.

Her make-up was gone. Her face wasn't covered up.

She looked at me for a minute then frowned. "Shawn?"

"Yea, Topanga"

"You know that I see you as one of my best friend's right?"

I didn't know what to say.

"Shawn…you're a guy…right?"

I nodded, "Yea?"

She took a breath, "Is it normal for guys to…mumble things while their making out?"

I raised my eyebrow, "Mumbling? Cory mumbles? While you're making out?"

"Yea…he um…he says…he says names."

"Names? What names?"

She put one of her hands on her forehead, "Shawn, dose Cory find me attractive?"

I felt something strange was going on. I got this sickening feeling. "What? Why would you ask that? Don't you see the way he looks at you?"

Then she mumbled something. Something she didn't plan on me hearing. But I did hear it. "Yea, but you should see the way he looks at you."

"What? What do you mean that?"

She bit her lip, "Oh Shawn you know. Cory's face when he looks at you…that goofy yet charming smile and the way his eyes follow you." Then she giggled, "Cory will deny this, but I think it's because he…" she stopped herself.

"What?" I barked.

"I think it's he's jealous you…of your hair and stuff." She fancily nodded. She nodded more to herself than to me. She started playing with her hands, "yea that's why he looks at you like that because he likes your hair."

Her panic scared me.

"Okay Topanga" I hugged her, "There's nothing to worry about."

%%%%

That night I was having sex with Jennifer Nelson. Jennifer was a bitch…but she also tall, blonde, and popular, which was the reason I went out with her. Sex with Jennifer felt even more annoying, because she yelled out demands. But…her bedroom had posters. Posters of half-naked guys, Hollywood heart throbs actually. I know this sounds messed up, but the only way I could "get through it" was to put my attention on those posters. Then I fought with myself about it all the way home.

The guilt was boiling over as I sat down on Turner's couch. I wanted to remove some my heavy make-up. I needed to talk to somebody.

"John"

"Yea, Hunter" Turner replied as he washed the dishes.

I wanted to talk to him…but I couldn't.

I shifted seat my seat, "I need to talk to…little Cory…but could you stay in the room?"

He looked over at me confused, "Surrre"

I called out to the pig. Little Cory cheerfully oinked and jumped on the couch. I stared at him and pet his neck.

"Okay there is something to need to share…I don't…like having sex with girls." Imagery black and purple lines were coming down my face. "In fact the only way I can kiss them is if I…think about guys…in that way." I cried.

I heard Turner putting down a plate and walking closer.

"See Little Cory, I just have these feelings…feelings that I don't want to feel."

"Oink" Turner said he sitting on the other side of the pig. I think he had figured out what I was trying to do.

I looked up at him then back down at the pig, "I remember reading the scarlet letter my first year in Turner's class. And the in the book the main character Hester Prime wears a big red A on her chest, to show everybody "the kind of person she is". I feel like I have my own scarlet letter. I felt like people see it. So I want to cover it up…the letter F…for faggot."

Turner grasped, "Hunter, are there people calling you that?"

I nodded and starting spitting the stories about Eddie and Harley. I'll admit it feel amazing talking to someone about. By the time I was done the pig had left the room and I was talking directly to Turner.

He lightly rubbed my shoulder, "Hunter, those guys are scrum. There is nothing wrong with you being gay."

That word scared me. It scared me into reapplying my make-up.

"I'm not gay" I snapped. I quickly wiped away the tears and shook my head, "Don't you dare call me that."

"Hunter" Turner tried to reach out, "Don't worry I won't tell anybody."

I stood up and yelled, "I'm not a fag. I'm not gay"

I ran to my bed and pulled out my mother's lipstick. I closed my eyes and remembered a childhood memory.

When I first held the Veronica red lipstick and I asked my mom, "Why do they name it Veronica?"

She smiled at me. "Because the name Veronica." She said shaking her shoulders and rolling the r. "Sounds like a woman that's sexy, bold, and fearless. She is the kind of woman that's in control of her life. I love that name."

"So why do we put on makeup?" I asked her.

"To cover up, to cover up babe."


	23. Chick me like

**Yes, it here is Chick like me, an episode so big and important that I'm splitting it into two chapters. I hope you like it! **

**Please review! **

I hate my body.

I spend the night tossing in my bed biting my lip trying to stop the movement in my hips. In my mind he was on top of me. Rubbing against each other bare skin. My lips on his. His hands all over me, I mean all over me.

I was breathing heavily. I was boiling hot. I was moaning.

Don't matter how much I tried to change it, I still woke up drooling in my pillow.

%%%%%

Glasses boy and I were in another stare battle. I look over at him to see if he was looking at me. But the second I looked at him he'll turn his dirty blonde head away. Then when he would start to look over I would turn away. I still couldn't recognize him, but I did get some information about him. His friends from the science club would call him "St". So I brainstormed the "St" Names.

Steve?

Stand?

Stuart?

I don't know?

I was going over to talk to him when Cory shoved the school newspaper in my face.

"My column, my column Shawnie"

I read the words next to Cory's finger "Is it just me"

"By?" Cory beamed.

I rolled my eyes, "By Cory Matthews" I turned to him "Do I have to read this?"

"Yes" he nodded.

Then I read, "Is it just me or does paste not taste as good as it used to."

Cory chuckled proudly, "Isn't that so true?"

Damn Cory is weird…but for some reason I still thought he was cute.

I closed the paper, "Cor don't you think you should write something more meaningful"

%%%%%

In history class Feeny was teaching was us about John Howard Griffin's book Black like me. A story about a white man in the 1960's that darken his skin to see what life was like as a black man. "Griffin felt that by darkling his skin could he feel the horrors of segregation."

"Shawn" Cory turned around, "That's could be my next story."

"What?" I wondered.

"Well today there isn't segregation between races…but it is between sexes. Wouldn't it be interesting if I could see the world though a girl's eyes by becoming a girl…Chick like me?"

I raised my eyebrows. He had to be joking, "That's crazy…but that would be meaningful and interesting."

%%%%%

"Hey Cory, what happen at school today?" Mr. Matthews asked as Cory and I walked in holding a couple bags of borrowed dresses and wigs.

"Nothing" Cor shrugged.

Mr. Matthews got up for the kitchen table, "Every day you come home and you tell me nothing. I'm tired of nothing. We both know something happened today and I want to know what it is."

Cory looked straight into his dad's eyes and said "I've decided to become a girl"

Mr. Matthews dropped his mouth, "Oh...well, you taught me a very valuable lesson there, son."

I couldn't help to chuckled. We explained the whole Black like me thing. Cory parents stood looking at each other. They both looked confused and worried.

"I think it would a great experience." Mrs. Matthews then said with a smile.

"Dad, I'm not dressing up as a girl just to dress up as a girl. I'm a journalist."

"Hey" Topanga greeted as she walked in.

"Hey Topanga, I'm going to dress up as a girl" Cory reported.

Most girlfriends would've freaked out, but not Topanga. She just her causally asked, "Wearing What?"

Cory nodded, "Well that's why I've asked you over so that you may help me choose the proper female clothing."

"You want to dress you up like a girl?"

He smiled, "Yea, made Cory pretty"

"Cool" she shrugged.

%%%%%

Cory was stick in the bathroom.

"Cory, you gotta come out" Topanga called.

"Not gotta" he argued.

"Come on we won't laugh"

"You're not seeing what I'm seeing"

"Cor, come on buddy. You're going to write an article that means something." I plead "How bad can it be"

Cory opened the door in the dress. Um…Cory in that dress...wasn't going to work. He was cute as a guy, but ugly as girl. Cory's face…just wasn't pretty (make-up could only do so much). And his body…I realized how manly it was when I saw in that tight dress. I really could see how muscular he really was. I liked it…but it was not going to work for Chick like me.

"I look fat" He said, "Topanga?"

"Maybe that's just not a good color on you." She tried. "Okay guys we can do this. It's all about how you present yourself. Cory how do present yourself."

Then Cory walked like…well I guess the best way to describe his girl walk is a walk form a cheesiest 1950's musical.

"Was that right?" he asked.

"Not even on a desert island." I jested. "See girls just glide, they're more at ease. Like this"

I gracefully walked with my hips rocking and my hands slightly swinging at my side.

They both stare at me. Then they nodded and smiled to each other. I could tell what they were thinking.

"No, no, no" I demanded.

"Come on Shawn. You would make a way better girl." Topanga coaxed.

"No, no, no" I repeated.

Then Cory walked up to me, "Please Shawnie, would you want to date this?" he chuckled motioning do his outfit. "Come on it be fun."

He gave me that smile.

Damn him!

"Okay fine"

"Thanks" Cory said wrapping his arms around me. I couldn't help to return the embrace. Cory always gave the tightest and warmest hugs. The hug seemed to linger, but I wasn't going to complain. And Topanga said nothing.

%%%%%

The next day I went to Topanga's house to pick out an outfit. I know it's scary, but back then Topanga and I were somehow the same size.

"So what did Turner say about this?" Topanga asked as we looked though her closet.

"We'll being the best friends with the journalism teacher Turner understood. He said he's proud that I would help the paper….and he even thinks it will help me." I replied holding a red skirt to my waist.

"Well we know Turner is open-minded. That's why you two work." She nodded, "Oh that would be cute on you."

"Really?" I asked holding up the skirt. "With a black top?"

"Yea" She picked up a few items, "with this top, these boots, oh and I know just what do to with your wig and make-up."

"Cool" I approved, "Um…Topanga"

She handed the clothes, "Yea Shawn?"

"Thank you"

%%%%%%%

As I walked through the halls every guy at school was staring at me.

"Why is everybody staring?" I whispered to Cory.

"Well Shawn you're kind of a babe."

I laughed at first then I looked around. They were smiling, winking, waving at me.

And…I couldn't help it. I giggled and flirty waved back. I put a little more in leg in my walk to Topanga by the lockers.

"So Shawn, how does it feel wearing hose?" she laughed.

"I'm not Shawn"

She nodded, "Oh yea that's right, he needs a girl's name."

Cory agreed, "Okay how about Janet?"

I shook my head, "No, not Janet"

He raised his eyebrow, "Does it matter?"

"Cory" Topanga consulted, "Shawn, have you thought about this before?"

"A little" I whispered.

"Okay what name would you like?"

There was one name that I desired. A name that sexy, bold, and showed a person totally in control of their life.

"Veronica" I said.

They both stared at with a mixture of shock and confusion. Neither of them knew about the make-up stuff…as kids I always thought it was too girly to mention. Cory being a boy and Topanga being an invert.

"That's a lovely name", Topanga reassured.

Then Feeny causally walked by us with his briefcase, "Good morning Miss Lawrence, Mr. Matthews, Mr. Hunter."

He stopped and stared into space for a second then looked me.

Oh great…what is he going to say.

"If there is anything you want to talk about my door is always open." He offered.

"It's just for an article Mr. Feeny" I defended.

He motioned his hand down, "I'm not here to judge." He stared at us for another second then walked away.

Then Mr. tall, dark, and handsome came up to us.

"Hey guys" He waved carelessly to Topanga and Cory until his blue eyes saw me. Then he crooked his head and cracked his smile, "Hi there I'm Gary"

"Gary, this is Veronica" Cory connected.

"Hi" I bubbled.

"Are you new in school?" Gary inquired.

"Yea…I'm a whole new person" I chuckled.

He moved closer to me, "Hey if you want I'll be happy to take you Cubbies and tell you what teachers to avoid and stuff."

Wow a boy was actually asking me out.

"That would be great." I nodded trying to keep my cool.

"About Saturday?"

"Okay Saturday"

He winked at me, "I'll see you then."

"Shawnie way ago" Cory awed.

"You got a date." Topanga cheered.

%%%%%%

I took a breath and knocked on Feeny's door.

"Why am I doing this?" I whispered to myself as I opened the door.

Feeny looked up from his papers, "Hello Mr. Hunter…or if you now prefer Miss Hunter."

"No, it's Mr." I smirked. "Can I talk to you?"

He nodded, "Of course." He pointed to the chair in front of his desk.

I sat down, "You know that Cory is writing for the school paper."

"Yes, I have noticed Mr. Matthews's articles."

"Well we wanted him to write something meaningful and your lesson on Black like me, gave us a thought…about me going undercover and see what a date is from a girl's point of view."

He nodded, "I value your interest in social experimentation. So how is it going?"

"Well" I laughed, "I got a date within 5 minutes."

"You seem delight Mr. Hunter."

"Well…I can't that talk about this with you" I started to get up.

"Mr. Hunter, please if something is bothering you better let it out. Anything you say in this room will remain between us."

I sat down, "It's just I feel…hot, pretty, desirable. Mr. Feeny when I walk through the halls guys look at me."

"Yes, I see you have caught the attention of a large portion of the male student body."

"I know right! They ask to carry my books. They flatter me. They look at me like they want me. They would never look at me like that as a guy."

"I've seen that too." He paused, "Mr. Hunter is it safe to say that you enjoy receiving affection from young men."

"Yea" I nodded.

"Mr. Hunter, I've also seen you give back a little affection, a little attention, and you seem to enjoy that too."

"Um…yea I do" I sort of thought after talking to Turner that this would be easier, but it wasn't. "I…um sort of wish I was a girl."

"Mr. Hunter…"

"No, no I'm not saying that. I don't really want to be a girl. I'm…I'm just thinking how much easier it is to be a girl. See girls are allowed to wear make-up. Girls are allowed to cry. And Girls are allowed to…kiss boys."

He put down his pen, "Mr. Hunter, are you trying to say that you feel you're a homosexual."

Crap!

I mentioned kissing guys.

Crap!

I started shaking, "I'm not a faggot."

Then I saw a face on Feeny that I had never seen on him before. It seemed like a combo of anger, shock, and disgust. He got up and walk around the desk, "Mr. Hunter that word is used to describe a bundle of sticks not a person." He started roaring, "That is a horrible, offensive, and wrongly used slur that has put a terrible label on the LGBT community. I will not accept the use of that word in my school."

I know what you all are thinking, Go Feeny!

I was amazed that he would take a stand like that. "I'm sorry…I didn't think…"

"Mr. Hunter, I understand in the environment you were raised in…" He rubbed his neck, "I see that a trailer park wouldn't be a very open-minded place for homosexuality."

Wow, homosexuality that sounded like such a big word.

I nodded, "Yes, Yes…trailer people aren't really that open to ho…mo…sexual…ity" Saying that word felt funny. "And Yes I do feel that I…like guys like you know in a certain way."

He nodded, "Oh I see"

"I don't want to be... you know. I hate it. I try to stop, but my body keeps…please don't tell anybody."

"I would never dream of it."

The bell rang.

"Well Mr. Hunter it seems your lurch period is over. You should get to class."

I nodded and got up silently.

Feeny returned to his papers then said "By the way…good luck on your date."


	24. I kissed a boy wearing mama's lipstick

"How about a pants suit?" I asked shuffling though Topanga's closet.

"No" she smirked, "Pants suits are way too old, even I know that." she looked around the closet, ""Oh what about this?"

She held up a green long-sleeved mini dress.

"Really? It's kind of short?"

"Well, you have the legs for it?"

"Okay" I agreed pulling off my clothes. I didn't even think it would strange taking my clothes off in front of Topanga, I mean it's only Topanga. I slipped on the dress and stood up to let Topanga helped me zip it. I sat down in front of the make-up on her desk. She sat in the chair next to me and pick up one of her lipsticks.

"Wait" I quickly got up to walk to my jeans on the floor. I took it out. I took out my mom's lipstick.

"What is that Shawn?"

I sat back down, "It's called Veronica red…my mom gave to me."

"Your mom gave you lipstick?"

"Yea" I opened it and held it up, "Isn't it pretty." I started spreading on my lips.

"Shawn"

I looked back up at her.

"You got some on your teeth." She chuckled.

%%%%%

"You are just great." Gary chuckled as we slid into the booth at Cubbie's, "How is it that you don't have a boyfriend?"

I laughed, "Well I haven't been looking for one." I turned away, "Let's order"

"Waitress" he called.

Then he appeared. Cory...yea Cory walked up to our table dressed as a waitress. He was wearing red and yellow waitress uniform dress with a curly black wig. He made an ugly teenage girl, but I guess he made an okay middle age woman.

"How you doin honey?" He greeted in a deep smoker voice.

"Cory?" I whispered.

"I'm Cora, I'll be your waitress this evening" He corrected.

I couldn't believe it. Why in the hell is he doing this?

"You're insane" I mumbled questioning my why I'm friends with this guy.

He laughed, "May I take you order?"

Gary ordered us a couple burgers. Cory wrote it down and walk away giving Topanga a little wave at a nearby table. Her mouth was grappling opening. I could see that she was just as confused and freaked out as I was.

Gary didn't notice it. He wasn't paying attention to anything...anything expect my body. He put his arm tightly around me, and shifted closer. Too close. "So are you having a good time?" He whispered into my neck.

Okay this feels creepy. Really creepy. I tried to move away but, I couldn't.

"Well you're crowding me bit." I hinted.

He moved even closer, "Maybe your tense…about I rub your shoulders."

"I didn't ask you to do that." I demanded.

He was breathing down my neck, "Yea, but doesn't it feel good."

What is wrong with him?

I pushed him off, "You're not listening to me."

"Wow, you're a strong one" he chuckled.

"I play a little hockey" I smirked.

His face grew close, "You're quite a girl aren't you?"

Then it happened. He did it.

He pressed his lips against me. I was caught totally off guard, but…after years of wondering what kissing a guy would feel like, I couldn't miss this chance. I mean to him I'm a girl…so. I lean it. I started kissing back. It was my first good kiss. His lips were rough and there wasn't the taste of artificial strawberry lip-gloss. I felt this hunger. But not for food, a hunger for…kissing. I got hotter as our lips moved faster. Our mouths open and tongues started tickling with each other.

Wow, something was definitely happening in my body. I could feel tinkling, vibrating, heat, just so many feelings running between my legs. I felt that couldn't breathe. I felt like I was going to fall into his lap.

He touched my waist and inched closer. I place my hand on his shoulder…wow he buffed.

I thought that nothing could go wrong. Then out of nowhere I felt a hand suddenly grabbed the inner part of my thigh.

It scared me. I jerked back and got up. I didn't know how react.

Gary looked at me if as I did something wrong. I huffed and ran over to the little table Topanga was sitting at. The magazine she was reading was now on the floor.

She looked petrified, "Shawn…what just going on?"

"He touched me." I roared.

She stared at me with strange look of confusion with a little bit of anger, "Maybe you sent him a signal." She whispered.

I thought to myself, a signal? Well…I had put my put my tongue in his mouth?

"Look I'm sorry about that." I heard behind me. I turned around to see Gary smiling at me. He went on, "Nobody respects women more than me. About I go teach you how to play foosball?"

Well…he was cute and…a good kisser, so I gave it another chance.

"About I teach you?" I smirked.

I went to the back room and started playing.

"Nice block" I innocently commented.

"Oh you like that?" He creeped walking around to my side of the table, "Let me show you how I did it."

He slid his hands down my arms. He forced his waist into mine. I felt his bad breath on my neck. I didn't like this. Then his hands moved to my waist and he pitched my ass.

I knocked him off me, "Hey"

"Hey what?" He smirked.

'What's wrong with you?" I yelled.

He laughed. That asshole was laughing, "I'm showing how to play the game."

"I know how to play the game"

"I can tell by the way you're dressed." He smirked.

I look down at dress, "I just wanted to look nice"

"well you do" he said grabbing me again.

That was it. My anger was flowing over and I let it show. I punched him in the eye.

Gary fell to the floor then dared to ask, "What was this for?"

"For every girl" I protested.

I turned around to see Cory and Topanga standing proudly. I smile at both of them. We linked arms and walked put together as…three friends.

%%%%%%%

We laughed as Cory drove us home. The three of us were going on about the awesome punch. Topanga kept reacting the scene and adding how proud she was of me until Cory pulled up to her house.

"Good night Cora. Good night Veronica." She laughed as she left the car and went in.

Then it was just Cory and I.

"Cor, can I ask you something?" I asked from the passager seat.

"Yea Shawnie" he nodded keeping his eyes on the road.

"Why did you dress up as Cora and pretend to be our waitress?"

He bit his lip, "Um…because I was…um taking notes of my obventations to help me write the story."

"Really?"

"Yea…but I also…okay I was worried about you. I was scared that Gary might hurt you. When I saw him touch you…" he shook his head. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure"

"Why Veronica? Was it the name of a special girl or something? Why was that important to you?"

I have never told anybody about it before, but there was something about Cory in that dress.

"I know it sounds random but..." I took a breath, "When I was kid and my dad beat me, my mom used to cover my burses with make-up. And one day I saw this lipstick." I put a finger over my bottom lip. "I thought it was pretty…my mom saw that and she told it was called Veronica red. Then she told me how much she loved that name and that there was boldness and power in it. Cor…I guess that was important to me because I think of Veronica as this symbol of my mom and being powerful and desirable." I turned to Cory to see that he had looking at me the whole time.

"Shawn, why didn't you ever tell me this before?"

"We are guys Cor. I always thought if I talked about lipstick you would think I was strange."

Cory laughed, "Of course I think you're strange Shawnie. That's why we are best friends. Plus when I was kid I kind of…never mind."

"What? You better tell me." I command, "Did you wear make-up?"

He bit his lip and then said, "I used to seek into my mom's closet and try on her clothes and…she caught me one day."

"What did she do?"

Cor laughed again "Well this was before Morgan so she didn't have her own little girl…so she decided to fun with it. We played dress up. But of course we kept it between us."

All I could say was "Wow"

"And look at us now" He chuckled, "We've grown up to be such manly men."

I threw my head my on the seat and starting laughing like crazy.

"Shawn?"

"Yea Cor" I went on laughing.

"What was it like kissing him?"

I stopped laughing. Oh shit. He saw it. He saw the one thing I couldn't to talk him about."

"You saw that?"

He nodded.

"Um it was…gross. Terrible. I didn't like it at all." I lied.

"Oh" he shook. "It's just when I saw you kissing him I thought…"

I looked at him and I looked straight back at me. Neither of us moved when the car stopped.

"You know Cor…you don't look that bad."

We were leaning toward each other.

Those eyes. Those lips. I wanted to jump into that driver's seat, rip off that dress and go hormone crazy on him.

Our noses touched.

"You really are a babe Shawnie."

I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me so bad.

But instead he pulled back then said in Cora's voice, "It's gettin late honey"

I looked around. We were parked in front of the apartment building.

"Yea I should go" I nodded, "Good night"

%%%%%%

I waked into the apartment to find Turner watching TV on the couch.

"How was you date?" he casually asked.

"He was a creep" I said.

Turner got up, "Sit down, kick off your heels, and I'll get the ice cream."

I laughed dropping on to the couch, "Ice cream?"

He sat back down handing a half-gallon of chocolate ice cream and a spoon.

"Yea, ice cream is always good after a bad date." He said digging into the strawberry. "So what happened?"

I took a bite of the chocolate…he was right it did make me feel a little better. "Well we started out having a good time. He was cute, charming, funny, and nice until he put his arm around me."

"Oh" Turner nodded taking a bite.

"Yea, he was getting way to close." I took another bite, "And don't matter how many times I pushed him off, he kept trying."

"What a jerk" Turner agreed.

"Yea, I finally got so fucking sick of it that I punched him."

He chuckled, "Usually I would tell you about not using violence, but I think he had that coming. Nobody touches my little girl and gets away with it."

I laughed a little. I thought it was sweet him referring to me as "my little girl". I may not be his son, but I guess I was sort of his daughter.

Then I looked down at the ice cream, "But something did happen. I…he kissed me and…we made out."

Turner dropped his spoon in his ice cream, "Oh…so…did you like it?"

"Yes" I started crying, "I did"

"It's okay Hunter"

"John, it was the hottest kiss I've ever had. For once I could feel something without having to imagine somebody else. You won't believe what my body did when I felt his body, his lips, and oh his tongue." I looked up at him, "Please don't anybody"

"Of course not" he nodded.

I smiled, "Thank you for the ice cream, it really does help."


	25. Dad?

_I try to ignore you._

_I try to forget you._

_But I can't stay indifferent._

_You are a part of me. _

_A part that I can't fix._

_A hole that I can't replace. _

I wish I could say that I had forgotten about my parents. I wish I could say at I honestly felt at home with Turner. I wish I could say I was satisfied. I hadn't seen my father in two years. His phone calls were getting fewer apart and I was getting fewer and fewer mail from him.

"I finally got another postcard from my dad." I bitterly stated to Turner throwing it in the trash.

"Why did you do that?"

"He's 50 miles away. Why couldn't he just visit?" I bit, I didn't mean to direct it at Turner, he just was the only one in the room.

Turner stared at me biting his lip. Then he said it.

"By the way, I spoke to a lawyer today. A couple of signatures and I'm your legal guardian."

What? He spoke to a lawyer today? I had lived there for almost two years and he files for guardianship today?

"I thought you did mouths ago." I sassed.

"Well I got the forms…I just couldn't get around to it."

"Get around to it?" I started to raise my voice, "Sorry my life didn't fit into your busy schedule."

"Shawn cut me some slack there. I'm just trying to do the right thing."

Trying to do the right thing? Oh come on.

"Yea" I nodded moving toward the door, secretly grabbing Turner's keys on the table.

"Enjoy your date" I said walking out.

%%%%%

I rode the motorcycle to Cory's house. Turner had taught me how to drive a motorcycle around the same time he taught how to drive a car. I personally preferred the bike. I always promised myself that I would get my own one day. As I drove I thought of a plan. The truck stop my dad was hanging out at wasn't that far away. I still didn't want to go alone. But I felt too betrayed by Turner. However there was one person I could rely one for moral support…Cory. Cory would know just what I should say. Cory would support me without be pushing me. Plus…Cory would look cute on a motorcycle.

"Hi Mr. Matthews, Mrs. Matthews, can you guys leave?" I asked sweetly entering though the back door.

They shook their heads confused and replied, "No"

"Dang I need another plan."

"Shawn how about we go outside?" Cory stepped up.

"Man you are good on your feet" I laughed. The two of us went outside to the backyard.

"I gotta ask you something" I started, "What are you doing tonight?"

He cheerfully nodded, "I'm free as a bird."

"Good because we are going to see my dad."

"You know where he is?" Cory questioned.

"Yea" I nodded, "And by motorcycle it's less than an hour away"

"I'm there. But can Turner get us both on the back of his bike?"

"Turner's not coming" I cheered "It's just you and me"

Cory raised his eyebrows "I don't know about that Shawn"

"Come on its just a little field trip."

"No Shawn" he demanded.

I couldn't believe this. Cory was fighting me on this.

"Cor…"

"Shawn, stealing Turner's bike is wrong, and going off somewhere by ourselves is dangerous."

I threw up my hands, "fine" I smirked. I left the yard and started heading toward the direction of the truck stop.

%%%%%%

I got lost. I was pulled over to the side of the road trying to figure out where I was.

Shit. Shit. Cory was right this was a bad idea.

I was trying to steady my thoughts when I noticed a cop car staring at me. The cops in the car were looking back and forth between the bike and their chipboard. Then the tall blonde one got out of the car and walked up to me.

"Young man whose bike is this?"

"Umm…um…"

"Young man a motorcycle matching this description and license plate was reported stolen."

"Um…um…"

I started to run but he caught by the arm.

"You are under arrest"

%%%%

I called John from the police station. He was mad. Very mad. From the minute he picked me up he ranted about how wrong it was and how disappointed he was in me.

"Shawn that was stupid stud you pulled. What if you had lost control of the bike?" He yelled slamming the apartment door behind us.

"I didn't" I shrugged.

"But what if you had" He bit.

"But I didn't" I smirked.

"You could have hurt someone and I would be legally responsible"

I snapped "Oh that's why you're worried." I started yelling, "You don't want to be legally responsible for me."

"That false and you know it" He shouted.

"Oh…then why did you take your sweet time applying for guardianship?"

"Is that what this is about?"

"It's what everything's about John, it's my life." My voice fully rose now, "You got your life. My dad's got his. And I got nothing."

"If you wanted to see your dad I would have taken you." He tried to reason.

"It's not just that. I'm tired of being a guest everywhere whatever I go."

"I know I know" He nodded, "This hasn't been easy on me neither, going form a single guy to raising a 16-year-old wasn't exactly on my do to list."

I rolled my eyes and sassed "Great, we're both sick of each other."

"Well I don't know Shawn, I'm saying we should get a bigger place and you don't want any part of it."

"Yea well John, you had the guardian papers for mouths and you didn't fill them out."

We both went quiet.

John looked down then back up at me, "Well maybe were both afraid to make this living situation permanent."

"Yea…I guess we are" I agreed heading to the door.

"Hunter, wait." Turner pleaded.

I didn't stop. I ran out and didn't stop until I was out of breath. I realized I was at some park. I grabbed a swing and sat down.

I couldn't go back to Turner's. He didn't want me there. If he did he would had filed for guardianship a while ago. I couldn't go to the Matthews. Sure they would let me stay the night, but they would call Turner and we would go round and round in the same circle.

I had a headache. I lied down on the grass and fell asleep. Until a bright light flashed into my eyes.

"Hey, hey wake up." A voice said.

My eyes adjusted to focus on a young Cop.

%%%%

For the second time I called Turner form a police station.

"Hey John"

"Shawn?" He cried, "Where are you? I have looked everywhere for you. I tried the Matthews'. I tried the trailer park. I even tried the school."

"I'm sorry, I ended up at this park and fell asleep…then a cop found me"

"Oh…you're at the police station?"

"Yea"

"Okay…I'm coming to pick you up. Then…we'll talk."

"Okay"

I hung up and sat down. I closed my eyes and took a breath. I opened them again to I saw the man who was walking in. I thought I was dreaming.

"Dad?" I called out.

"Shawn" he chuckled.

He was sober. Good.

"Dad, what are you doing here?"

He patted me on the back, "Well I guess I could ask you the same thing."

We sat down together.

"So dad it's been a long time…you look good."

"Well right back at you"

"How did you find me here?" I asked.

"Well how did you find yourself here?" he contoured.

I told I was sleeping at the park. Then I changed the subject.

"So any luck finding mom?"

"Well cornered her in Mississippi but she drove off the river boat. But at least I found the motor home."

"So how long are you going to keep chasing after her?"

Dad took a breath, "Well I want to give her enough time to clear her head."

"It's been two years" I smirked.

"The woman's got a big head." He chuckled trying to make a joke.

But after two years I didn't feel like joking around with him, "Come on Dad" I smirked again.

He nodded, "Yea, if she wanted me to catch her she would be caught."

I nodded in agreement, "So what's next?"

He got up, "Well we get you back to Turner's where you belong?"

I stood up, "Dad I was thinking…why you don't stay around here?"

"There ain't nothin in this town for me." He smirked.

"Yea there is. Me." I begged in protest.

"Shawn I left you with Turner because that's the best place for you."

"It's a good place dad. But it wasn't home"

He shook his head, "I don't know Shawn"

"Dad I'm right here. I need you. And I'm thinking you need me too."

He shifted his eyes, "…well I ain't much of a cook."

"You can't be any worst then mom"

He laughed.

"Shawn I gotta do something I don't think I have ever done before."

"Keep a job?" I joked.

"Hell No, I gotta give you a hug."

He hugged me. My dad was hugging me. It made me think that he had really changed. It made me think things were going to be okay.

"Chet?" Turner's voice called out.

"Hey teach, I was on my way to your place and got bust for a pile of unpaid parking tickets."

Turner chuckled, "So who's bailing you out."

"Thanks teach" dad smiled "I got to get out of here so that I can take care of my boy"

Turner looked at me confused, "What?"

"I'm stayin" Dad cheered.

Turner smiled, "That's good Shawn"

"Hey dad can I talk to John alone for a minute?" I asked.

"Yea, sure" Dad nodded walking to other side of the room.

"I can tell this is what you want Hunter...but are you sure it's safe?"

"Yea, I really I think he's changed." I held out my hand, "Thanks you put up with a lot."

"I would do it again." He shook my hand, "Remember that I'm here for you if you need anything."

I reached out and hugged him, "You're a good friend."

%%%%%

I couldn't believe I was back in my trailer.

I don't know if this was the best thing.

I don't know if this was the worst thing.

But I did know that this was unbelievable.

I sat down in the kitchen table. The kitchen where I used to see my mom either putting on make-up or cleaning up beer bottles. Sitting here made it all come back to me. I hated my mom for leaving…but I still…I still felt so much love for her. I guess being Vericona taught me that. I was confusing my self.

My dad sat down in another chair. "How you doin boy?"

I slowly nodded, "I don't really know right now." I looked over at the door, "Hey dad…what made you come back?"

"Well actually your friend Cory tacked me down and talked some sense in me."

"Cory? Cory talked to you."

Dad smiled, "Yup. He came all the way to the diner on a bus with that blond-haired girl. I'm tellin you Shawn that boy right there is one of few great people you meet in life."

"You really think that Dad?"

He laughed, "Yup. If he was a young lady I would tell you do marry him."

I just faked a laugh. I just got him back, I wasn't going to push my luck.


	26. I'm not centered

**Okay I'm sorry if this chapter is crap. I'm not feeling good right now.**

**Please don't worry I would never kill off Turner.**

**I hope you like it, please review! **

_They see it. They all see it._

_They see that I'm not living._

_There's a hole in my heart that stops it from beating. _

_There's a faithless spirit in my soul that stops it from believing._

_There's too much nothing._

_I'm alive but I'm not living._

My dad and I haven't really talked deeply since he got back. I told him little things about living with Turner, things like Turner's cooking, hanging out with Cory and Topanga, and I of course had to explain Little Cory to him. Dad and the pig really hit it off. Dad even got a dog bed just for him.

"Shawn, I've been hearing that you did some newspaper thing while I'll was gone." He said at dinner one night.

We ate fast food all the time. Looking back I wished I've told him to eat a salad or two.

"What?" I asked stuffing fries in my mouth.

"I heard you wrote somthin for that newspaper at the school. Wow, my boy, a newspaper man. I would like to read it sometime."

I knew what he was referring to Chick like me. But I was never going to let them see that. Eddie was in jail and Harley was in reform school, so I had pretty much had been able to avoid talking about my little dirty secret with at the park. Nobody was going to tell him. Especially not me.

"Oh that was nothing" I shrugged.

"Hoink" Little Cory agreed destroying his burger.

%%%%%%

The bell rang and I tried to rush out of Turner's class.

"Wait hold on" he stopped me.

I rolled my eyes. Things had become a bit awkward between Turner and me. He was still trying to get me to enter a brunch of poetry contests and telling my about all these LGBT youth support groups. But I thought he being annoying.

"Hunter, your junior year is almost over. Have you been thinking about college?"

"I'm going to college." I smirked.

"Oh where?"

I rolled my eyes again.

"Shawn I'm one of handful of people that cares about you so don't blow me off." He roared, "The clock is ticking. You're running out of time what you want to do in life."

"I'll be fine" I shrugged.

"You graduate next year. Then What? What are you going to do? Who are you going to be?"

I shook my head and left.

Then one of my classmates, Sheri walked up to me in the hallway and sweetly said, "Hi"

"Hey Sheri"

"I overheard Turner doing that number on you"

I stared at her,"You think he was doing a number on me."

"Totally, I know a hundred people that care about me and care enough not to judge me like that."

"Yea" I nodded.

"Do you want to go get a cup of coffee somewhere? I won't judge you"

It seemed okay. I thought we were just going for coffee. I could have never imaged what I led myself to do when I said "Sure"

%%%

"Welcome to The Center" Sheri announced went she led into the club room. It sort of reminded me of the poetry slam, a few couches, a stage with a microphone, and people sitting around drinking coffee.

We walked up to this group of people I didn't know.

"Shawn" They all said at the same time with horror movie like smiles…it was really creepy. Then they all got in line to hug me.

"Okay…everybody knows my name…that's either really cool or really creepy."

"You have a great sense of humor" Sheri said in a very mono toned voice.

"Yet you're not laughing." I pointed out.

"Mr. Mac says that laughter is a mask that reveals nervous."

"Okay…so um who is Mr. Mac?"

"He runs The Center. And he's the most remarkable human being I've ever met."

A good-looking man wearing a light brown suit came up to us, "Hello Sheri" he said giving her a tight hug, "Are you centered Sheri?"

"I'm centered Mr. Mac" she cheered.

He then turned to me, "And how about you Shawn, are you centered Shawn?"

"Nop, I'm totally off-center" I smirked.

He handed me to coke. That was nice and sweet of him.

"It's a nice place you got here. A little touching feeling at first but it's kind of growing on me." I said taking a drink.

He smiled at me, "Well there's plenty of room if you want to move in."

I spilt out my coke, "Move in?"

"This is where I lived Shawn." Sheri said, "We all live here."

This is another one of those times where I should have ran.

"Oh…my bad it's a cult"

Mr. Mac's smile got bigger, "We are just a place for people that need love in their lives."

Run Shawn!

"Um..."

Run. Run. Run while you still can.

"You're judging us aren't you? The way everybody judges you"

And I was gone.

"Yea, I don't like that." I said.

He stared into my eyes, "Well get to know us and we will do the same for you."

"Okay" I nodded.

Next thing I knew I was on a couch repeating everything Mr. Mac was telling me.

%%%%

I was studying at Cubbies with Sheri and a couple of other girls form the center when Cory walked in.

"Cory" I hugged him. "Are you centered Cor?"

Cory raised his eyebrow, "What?"

"I like the center Cor"

"Um…" Cory shifted his eyes, "Please excuse us three girls."

He dragged me off to the corner.

"Shawine, what exactly is this center of which you speak of?"

"It's not a cult" I roared defensively.

He nodded, "Ah…"

"Don't judge us Cory"

"Shawn what's going on here? You were only there for like an hour?"

I sat down and smiled, "The length of a journey has nothing to do with its overall value Shawn."

He looked at me like was crazy, "that's nice"

"Cory"

He sat down next to me, "Shawn listen. Our entire friendship we have talk about everything…"

Well not everything.

"But we have never talked about what you believe in."

I stood up in front of him, "I believe that I have found place where people let me be who I am. Without trying to change me or need to know my goals in my life."

"Shawn, what to believe in?"

"What do you believe?" I yelled, "Do you believe in a mother and a father and a comfortable house because that's what you have." I put my hand on my chest, "Well I don't have that. I found something with these people."

He stood up, "But who are these people?"

Sheri tapped me on the shoulder, "We have to go now"

Cory yelled out some more things, but I didn't listen to him. Mr. Mac said people like Cory would try to talk me out of my beliefs. Mr. Mac said people would claim to care about me...but they didn't.

Mr. Mac told me that the only people that really loved me were at The Center.

%%%%

Turner stopped me in class the next day.

"What is this center you have been hanging out at?" He asked.

I was annoyed.

"I'm not going to talk to you about something you'll never understand." I argued.

"Oh you can understand it but it's beyond me." Turner hit back.

"You're just as judgmental as everybody else." I bit.

"No, you made the judgmental. You said that I couldn't understand it." He bit right back.

"I'm centered and you're not end of story."

He shook his head, "This sounds like real enlighten open minded group."

"Judging" I smirked.

"Shawn, why do you feel that you need to be in this Center place?"

That's was a good question.

"…okay…all my life…I've felt like there was this hole inside of me, that everybody can see it…like I wasn't finished." I said.

Turner's mouth dropped, "Shawn if you would just talk to me I could help you." He put his hand on my shoulder, "That's makes you a person, how you relate to those who care about you."

"The center is filled with people that care about me and make me feel like a person." I attacked.

John hit right back, "The center is filled with lost souls that become targets for some guy to turn them over to his way of thinking. The Shawn Hunter that I know is one of the most unique and talented individuals I've ever met. Between your natural charm and your amazing writing talent, you could do so much in life. And if you let them take over who you really are…than you made the worst judgment you could ever make. "

"I don't like who I am John."

I pushed him out the way and left.

%%%%

"Shawn there's a call for you Shawn." One of the guys told me while I was hanging out at The Center.

I got up and hugged him. Then I walked up to communal phone.

"Hello, I'm Shawn and I am centered."

"Would you cut that crap out" Cory yelled.

"Cory, anger is a mask that reveals unhappiness."

"Turner is in the hospital"

I was speechless. I couldn't even breathe correctly.

"Turner got in a motorcycle accident…he's really hurt. I thought maybe you would want to the hospital with us."

"Um…I'll meet you there."

"Shawn"

"I'll meet you there."

%%%%

I bought Mr. Mac to the hospital with me. I think it's because I needed for him to tell me how to feel, I had already become too dependent on him.

But the second Cory saw Mr. Mac walking behind me, he freaked out.

"What is he doing here?" Cory angrily sassed.

"Cory, I can't face this alone."

Cory stared deep into my eyes, "Okay first of all we are here." Cory pointed, "And second of all I now see that you are more alone than I ever knew."

"What does mean?" I whispered.

Cory and Topanga dragged me into the room. Seeing his body…lying motionless covered in the white bandage. His face was all red. His body was just laid still. The only sound I could hear was the beaming of the machine which seemed to match up the beating of my heart.

"Cory I can't be in here. This is too intense." I whispered not being able to breathe.

"It is for all for us Shawn" Topanga stated, "But this is life"

"I need Mr. Mac"

"He can't help you with this." She screamed, "Shawn what is the matter with you?"

I couldn't take it. I started trying to run toward the door, "I don't know I can't…"

Cory grabbed me. He wrapped his arms around and held me tight. "Shawn this is a hug. And this is when your hug somebody, when you care about them. And you want them to know that"

I was starting to listen to him again.

He moved to face me but he still squeezed my arms. "You can't leave. Turner took care of you. He loves you and you love him. That's real."

He let go of me then looked over at Topanga. They nodded to each other and walked out together.

I was left alone. I looked over at Turner. I started shaking from the chills.

"John how could you screw up on your bike? I've never seen you screw up on anything. I'm the screw up remember. Don't do this to me John. I don't do alone real good."

I sat down on the chair next to the bed.

"You're not talking but I know you're here. So I'm just going to talk and you're going to listen. Evan at the center I still felt empty. John…you didn't teach me enough. And you're one of the handful of people that care about me…so don't blow me off John."

I screamed and cried.

I looked up with tears running down my face, "Don't blow me off god. I have never asked you for anything and I never wanted to come to you like this. But don't take Turner away from me. He's not done yelling at me yet. God I know you can hear me."

I grabbed John's hand.

"God…I don't want to be so empty inside anymore." I took a deep breath, "And I don't want to be so self-hating anymore. And I don't want to be so closeted anymore."

Then I said something aloud for the first time.

I cried out, "Because…I'm gay"

My body shook at the sound of those coming out of my mouth. Yet, I felt weight huge was lifted from me. I felt I had washed the dirt off myself. Then I felt Turner's thumb spread over my fingers. The corners of his mouth rose a little and his head nodded slightly.

I breathed in "I'm gay"


	27. Mom, I'm gay

**I hope you like it! **

**I know that you may hate me at the end, but it would explain why Virna "disappeared". Plus Shawn can't be happy yet. **

"How are you feeling?" I asked Turner after he woke up.

He shifted his body up a little, "I'm doing okay. I'm in a lot of pain, but I'll be okay."

"Good, that's really good."

"So I'm guessing you haven't told anyone about your big announcement."

"No" I shook my head, "I just was able to say it to myself…I'm not ready to say it to everybody else."

He smiled, "I bet you feel better now after saying it."

"I don't know John. Part of me feels relieved and part of me is scared shitless."

%%%%%%

A few days later I was walking to school when I noticed something. I saw an outline of a woman in a window of the motel across the street. I moved my eyes closer.

"It can't be" I said to myself.

I stood here staring up at her and she stood at the window staring down at me.

I knew who she was. I could see it. I could feel it.

She turned away and I turned back to the direction of the school.

I ran to the school looking for Cory. I found him in the lurch room.

"Cory, how long it been since I've seen my mother?"

"How long do think it been?" He smirked.

"A minute. I saw my mom Cory. She was right across the street at a motel, staring at our trailer." I took a breath, "Cory she's back"

%%%%

"You tellin me I been chasing after that woman all across these Untied States and she's right across the street." Dad examined when Cory and I told him.

"It's her. She's been watching us" I cheered.

"Well when is she coming home?"

"I don't know" I shrugged, "I hadn't talked to her yet"

"Why not?"

I bit my lip, "I'm afraid I'm going to chase her away again"

He stared at me, "You didn't chase her away. You're the only reason she stay for as long as she did."

"You've looking this woman for years." Cory chimed in, "You found her now go get her."

"This is a careful situation Cor. We need someone that won't be seen as a threat."

Dad and I looked at each other, then over at Cory.

"Please Cory" I begged.

He bit his lips, but then smiled, "Sure Shawnie"

Cory was gone for about ten minutes. Dad and I sat quietly on the conch. I guess there was nothing Dad could say to me.

"So is she coming home or not?" Dad asked when Cory walked back in.

Cor took a deep breath, "The only thing I can tell you is that she is going keep watching you from where she is." Then he waved good-bye.

I turned to my dad, "What do we do now Dad?"

"I say we go across and get her." He demanded.

I blocked him.

"What are doin?" he smirked.

"Dad you tried to chase her across the country and that wasn't good for any of us." I stomped.

"What do you mean any of us?" He smirked again.

"It was bad enough losing mom…but maybe…you and I could have gotten you know each other."

He chuckled, "Come on Shawn, we know each just fine."

I shook my head. He didn't know the half of it. "Dad, if known me at all you wouldn't have left me or you could have at least take me with you"

"Well I called you every few weeks to check up on you."

"Yea, every 23 days. Just like clockwork." I yelled.

"Hey I was out state." He shrugged, "Am I here now?"

"Yea" I nodded.

"Did you mother send you call you?" he smuggled as if he were trying to prove a point.

"No, but she sent me letters though" I bit.

That got his attention, "Yea, how many?"

"One every day since she's been gone." I said.

"Get out" He chuckled.

I went to my room and got out my shoe box.

He was amazed. "Oh…" he pulled a paper and read a few lines, "I'm sorry I didn't write you any letters son."

"I lost my mom. I didn't think I deserved to lose my dad too."

"Shawn I was trying to put our family back together."

I rolled my eyes, "We could have been a family, you and I."I slammed opened the frig, got a coke, and stared back at him. "But you didn't want that Dad…why didn't you want that?"

He wasn't yelling back. I questioned rather or not I heard me. He looked though the trailer. Until he picked up a white photo album and sat the couch.

I sat down next to him as he flipped though the book.

He looked at me pointing to a photo, "That's you and me back went you were crawlin."

I look at the old photograph and laughed. One, dad had a mullet, a bad mullet. Two, I had no hair, I couldn't never image not having my thick locks.

Next thing I knew hours had pasted. We spent the night on the floor laughing looking that the terrifying hair styles of our past.

Then Cory happily walked in.

"Hi Cory" Dad waved.

"Hey Cor" I cheered.

Cory sat down beside me as Dad handed me a photo, "This is when we were teaching you how to ride a two-wheeler."

I remember that. We couldn't buy a bike so they taught me in the toys section of Toys R Us. My first bike was actually a hand me down from Eddie.

"So our family wasn't messed all the time." I said.

"We had a moment or two." Dad chucked.

Cory shifted closer to me. "So you two have been looking at pictures."

"Yea" I nodded.

Then we came across a photo of Cory and me when we were around 11 dripping wet.

"Oh my god, is that the water war?" Cory laughed as he wrapped his arm around mine.

"Yea, remember how much you wanted that hydro saturated 3000 water gun." I chuckled.

"Yup, I had to paint Feeny's fence because my parents were trying to teach me a lesson about hard work. I can't believe I almost didn't go" He put his head on to my shoulder. "We had so much fun."

I rested my head on his, "Yea, I remember when Minkus went power crazy and turned on me." I looked over at him smiling, I tighten our arms together, "And you jumped in front of me and got soaked."

Dad chuckled, sat right next to us looking at the photo. I don't think he noticed the way Cory and I were positioned.

I looked around at the three of us. Being wrapped with Cory, with my dad laughing us. This is felt nice. I wish that could've lasted forever. I wondered why this couldn't be attainable.

Then we heard a knock on our door.

Dad got up and opened the door.

That was my mom.

I felt frozen. I wanted to cry, scream, and jump all that the same time.

"Can I come in?" she cried.

We all got up.

Dad nodded, "Um…um yea."

She met my eyes and ran to hug me, "Shawn…I'm so sorry"

I hugged her tight. "I missed you"

She kissed my cheek, "I missed you too baby."

She let go of me and hugged Cory, "You got a good friend here Shawn."

"I know" I whispered.

%%%%%%

A week later, I came home from visiting Turner in the hospital. He was doing better and he was happy that my mom came back.

My mom was in kitchen trying to figure out what to cook. That was one of the things she said that she would do as a part of our fresh start. Dad was going to work on his drinking and work ethic. Mom was to try to cook family meals and talk to me daily.

"Mom"

"Yea, honey" she greeted me, "How's your teacher friend doin?"

"He's okay" I nodded.

"That's mightily good to hear. He's a good man."

"Yea he is…so where's dad?"

"He's at work" She said proudly. She was thrilled that Dad had gotten a regular job.

Then…I deiced to do it. Something I had been thinking about since she came home. I remembered the kind of bond we had. I remembered much I used to thrust her. I remembered how good she was with keeping secrets.

"Mom, Can I talk do you about something?"

"Sure babe what's on your mind?"

I took a breath and sat down at the table, "Mom…I've grown a lot in the time that you have been gone."

"I know. You've grown up real handsome."

"Thanks…but these past years I've been…finding myself and…"

I started to cry.

"Shawn, what's the matter?" She reached out to rub my shoulders.

"Mom I always felt that you were one of the few people that loved me. And I always feel a certain love for you. I don't want to lose you…that's why I'm scared to tell you this."

"Well I do love you." She kissed the top of my head, "You're my baby, and I don't want to lose you either." She nodded, "Okay…are you in trouble?"

"No" I shook my head.

"Did you get a girl pregnant?"

"No" I laughed.

"Did you…"

"I'm gay" I finally blurted out, "Mom, I'm gay"

She removed her hands. I looked up to see her stoned pale face.

"You don't really know that." she stated.

I laughed; "Yea, I do" I winked.

She grabbed on to the table, "Oh my god…you mean…you have…"

"Kissed a guy?" I giggled like I was gossiping with my best gal pal. I hadn't realized yet what my mom was actually saying, "Yea I did. I even did it wearing the lipstick you gave me."

She dropped into the chair. She put her hand on her forehead. "This is all my fault."

That confused me. "Wait, what?"

Then she said, "I was an awful mother, and because of me you hate women."

"What? Mom, I don't hate women."

"It's Cory isn't?" she asked.

"What?" I bit.

"The boy you're being gay with? It's Cory isn't it?" She rolled her eyes, "I should've known. He's always sort of been undressing you with his eyes."

That's when I realized that this wasn't going to be fun sleepover talk. I stood up knocking my chair to the floor. "One, don't bring Cory into this. And two…what's going on here?"

She started crying, "Shawn honey, don't you know that you can go to hell for simony?"

Simony? I was shocked that she even knew that word.

"Simony?" I started yelling, "Where do you get off saying that?"

"Shawn…"

"You sleep around, you dress like slut and then you leave your own family to do god knows what…then you have the nerve to bring up me going to hell. Since when are you religious?"

She stared at me silently for a second then roared, "Shawn you not a homosexual your just thinking because I didn't raise you right." She pushed back her, "Oh my god why didn't I see that coming."

I wiped away a tear, "For some strange reason I thought that we had a good relationship. I thought you were more open-minded. I thought you would be okay with it."

"I understand why you feel the need to act out." She sassed.

"Acting out?" I screamed, "You think I'm acting out? I'll show you acting out."

I flipped the kitchen table over then stomped out and into my room. I fainted on bed rubbing my red eyes.

"What the hell was I thinking?"

%%%%%

I woke up that Sunday with a headache. Crying all night will do that to you. I got out my black notebook and scribed some thoughts.

I took a deep breath, "Today is new day. Maybe now that she's had time to process everything…we can try to talk."

I walked out of my room to see my dad lying on the couch…drinking beer.

"Dad?"

He slowly turned to me and slurred, "Morning…um…um"

"Shawn?" I pointed.

He signed, "Oh…yea Shawn."

I walked to the couch. Shattered glass was everywhere. I could once again feel the cuts on my feet. This is feeling all too similar.

"Dad why are you drinking? Where's mom?"

He focused down the rest of his beer and threw it at the wall.

"Your mama is gone…again."

I quickly ran out of there. I ran out of the trailer. Out of the trailer park. Out of the neighbor.

I had to wait until I was far away to started crying again.

I was cussing by self out, "Why you have to go on and fuck everything up?" I screamed.

"Why did you have to say anything?" I dropped on the ground and started banging my head on the concrete, "why do you have screw everything up?"

_I have learned a bitter lesson. Yet it is the most important to my education of life._

_Love._

_You don't know how much you meant to me._

_You don't know how much I need you._

_You don't know how much you taught me._

_I'm scared by your deepest lesson. _

_A scar I will try to cover up with blush. But I'll still see it bleeding. _

_The more you love someone. The more they hurt you. _


End file.
